Poortsmouth

*We join MON, Emile Heskey and Stilyan Petrov as they drive to Fratton Park*

MON: I think this is the car park

*A sign reads "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"*

MON: Right, so no messing about we come in get the lad and we're off OK?

Heskey & Petrov: Right!

*MON knocks on Paul Hart's door*

MON: Hello? It's Martin O'Neill, European Cup winner and current manager of Aston Villa.

Tearful Voice: There's no-one here!

MON: Oh OK, I'll try again some other time.

Heskey: Boss, I'm pretty sure there must be someone there ... Or who said that?

MON: Good point. I'm glad I brought you Emile.

*MON knocks again*

MON: Hello is there someone there?

Tearful Voice: No.

MON: Paul is that you?

*MON opens the door to find a sobbing Paul Hart eating cheap dog food from the tin*

MON: Paul!? Is that dog food you're eating!?

Paul Hart: We've not got a penny .... and I'm a man Martin ((sniff)) I need the protein ((sob))((sob))

MON: O....K, anyway I'm here to buy one of your players.

Hart: Players? What players? We don't have any players do we Brian?

Kidd: No Paul, no we don't

Petrov: This is not Brian Kidd! This is just Paul Hart's hand being used as puppet boss, see he's using thumb as lower jaw and ...

MON: Yes, I see that Stilyan.

Hart: (sob)(sob) We couldn't even afford to keep Brian on, I've done BBC and SKY interviews with my hand Martin, do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?

MON: Look Paul, I'm just here for a player, I don't really ...

*A muffled cry for help is heard from the door behind Hart's desk*

MON: What's that?

Heskey: It sounded french boss!

Hart: It's nothing.

*MON strides over and opens the door*

MON: Sweet Lord!

*The door reveals Portsmouth's players caged like Battersea Dogs Home, Sylvain Distin bounds to the cage wall*

Distin: Pick me! pick me! One minute we are winning ze FA Curp ze next zey are feeding me dog ferd!

Hart: Please Martin, have mercy, we're losing players to Notts County, NOTTS COUNTY! I didn't even know Nottingham was a county (sob, sob, sob)