Poortsmouth Pt II

*MON and a sobbing, destitute Paul Hart are still bartering over Sylvain Distin's price*

MON: Look Paul, you said yourself, you need protein .... £20 and a 9 pack of Asda saver eggs.

Hart: Can I have 12 eggs?

MON: 12 eggs!? You greedy .... I'll not budge from my ....

*Loud bagpipes can be heard approaching.*

Hart: What in the world?

*MON furrows his brow and grits his teeth*

MON: Moyes!

*David Moyes enters followed by Wee Jimmy Krankie playing the bagpipes*

Moyes: Och! I'll have Sylvain Distin, ya anglish pig.

MON: Hang on a minute Moyes you can't just barge in here dressed as Braveheart with a little boy and disrupt transfer negotiations!

Krankie: Och I'mma girul!

MON: You're a squirrel? You look like a schoolboy to me and....

Moyes: Eh! doon't be tellin' me how ta dress, ya anglish oppressor ya! If I wunt ta don tha kilt of ma ancestors and wear feece paint for transfer battle I ....

MON: I'm not english. I played for Northern Ireland 64 times, scoring 8 goals. I was captain, and a fine captain. I also won the european cup and...

Moyes: Well ya look anglish enough, now you laddie, where's ma Sylvain Distin?

*A loud fanfare is played MON, Hart & Moyes all look stunned as Sulaiman Al Fahim and his lawyer enter*

Sulaiman Al Fahim: Greetings! I come to you today with fine news! I now own this club!

Lawyer: Well technically speaking sir you...

Al Fahim: Quiet you! I am now Dictator of Portsmouth...

Lawyer: Football Club.

Al Fahim: King of Portsmouth....

Lawyer: Football Club.

Al Fahim: Stop that!

Lawyer: Well technically speaking you are the non-executive chairman of ...

Al Fahim: Stop this technical speaking. You *points at Hart* put down that dog food, tonight you eat meat!

Hart: Hurray!

*Hart runs to Al Fahim and hugs his leg*

Al Fahim: I am something the world has never seen before, a billionaire football club owner!

Moyes: Ya dinnae look like a billionaire, ya look like a homeless beggar man.

Al Fahim (turning to the lawyer): What is this flame-haired man saying?

Lawyer: He thinks you look like a homeless person sir.

Al Fahim: Homeless! Homeless! I have many homes, many! And I shall shake the world of football, I am prepared to spend even one million of your pounds to buy a single player! Now guards, seize them!

Lawyer: ... Do you mean me sir?

Al Fahim: Anyone, you pair drag them out.

*Belhadj and Nugent begin (largely unsuccessfully) to pull Moyes and MON out of the office*

MON: Unhand me! Do you know who I am!? I've won the European Cup!

Moyes: Och, ya can take my Distin, but you'll never take my miserable outlook on life!!!