*World Cup - Argentina* Post Germany

Guittierez: Dey 23 of tha weerld cup. Argentina have just been beaten be Germany. Lion-ul and Maxi are in tha kitchen. They're talkin' aboot Diego's tactics.

*Messi is stirring a cup of tea Rodriguez has just made him whilst speaking candidly*

Messi: ...I mean to be honest I'm not the kind of guy to question my boss you know...

Rodriguez: Sure, Lionel, you're a good guy.

Messi: Yeah, thanks. I mean at Barcelona they never say "getting wasted makes you a better player". Tell the truth I was beginning to wonder if half the stuff we did at night over here is even leg.... Oh Heeeeey boss!

*Maradona enters and cuts Messi a disapproving glance*

Messi: uh ... I mean Diego.

*Maradona's furrows his eyebrows*

Messi: Uh ... Crazy Diego. We were just drinking tea ... You want some?

Maradona: Is it "crazy" tea?

Rodriguez: No .... Regular.

Maradona: No thanks.

.....

Guittierez: Sergio and Juan are in tha seating area.

.....

Agüero: Man ... I can't believe we were beat by Germany ... You know I woke up with an elephant in my room before the match this morning?

Verón: Big girl huh?

Agüero: No, elephant. Trunk, tusks, the works .... Know what the craziest thing was? .... It was an Indian elephant.

Verón: Yeah? How do you know?

Agüero: Smaller ears.

Verón: .... At least now we won't have to go for "nights out" with the boss anymore.

*Agüero rubs the back of his own neck*

Agüero: .... Yeah ....

.....

Guittierez: Carlos and Javier are in the garden. They're talkin' aboot politics.

.....

Tevez: **High wookie whine**

Mascherano: You're right Carlos, that would definitely have halted the global economic downturn, they should have listened to you in the first place.

.....

Guittierez: Diego has called everywun to tha' seating area.

Maradona: Alright Jonas enough following us around saying every little thing we do in your silly accent.

Guttierez: Sorry, Mr. Argentina.

Maradona: No ... It is I who is sorry ... I mean ruthlessly efficient, coldly calculating germans? Who saw that coming?

*The lads all look at each other*

Maradona: Well, no as a matter of fact ... Yes .... It's all your fault.

*Maradona sweeps a pointing finger across the whole team. They look angered*

Maradona: What? Don't look at me like that, with your sad, loser eyes.

Verón: Boss ...er .. I mean Crazy Diego, in fairness your pre-match tactic was making us take shots of tequila with our eyes and simply saying "score more goals than them!"

Maradona: ... and did you?

Verón: Obviously not ... I mean we got thrashed but ...

Maradona: Exactly Juan Sebastián! Exactly! I ask you to do one simple thing and you can't even get that right. You know I won the World Cup on my own!?

*The lads all roll their eyes as Maradona recounts his story .... again*

Maradona: .... I didn't even know what planet I was on, what World the cup belonged to. Look at you players nowadays, drinking tea and eating rice cakes!

Messi: I like tea! It's envigorating.

Rodriguez: Yes, and rice cakes are a light, high G.I snack boss, great for...

Maradona: Boss!? I am not your boss, you miserable lightweights.

Macherano: If you like cigar smoking, beer swilling, unprofessional louts maybe you should coach England!

Tevez: **High wookie growl**

Maradona: You too Carlos!? Your words, they cut like a knife! A knife! Fine then maybe I will go and coach England!

Macherano: Fine!

Maradona: Fine!

*Maradona angrily makes the sign of the cross and leaves the room ..... minutes later he pops head around the door*

Maradona: Leaving party anyone?

*Maradona shakes a bottle of Jack Daniels*

*World Cup - Argentina* Pre Germany

*We join the Argentine lads preparing for their match against Germany, they are all laughing*

Maradona: Do it again Jonas, again!

Guittierez: "Deeeey eyyt in tha big bruvar house"

*The dressing room erupts with laughter again*

Maradona: Ha ha ha! You sound just like Gazza Gascoine and the man who sings "Crocodile Shoes". Anyway lads we're about to get preperation under way.

*Maradona pulls the cork out of a large bottle of brandy.*

Messi: Boss, I'm not sure all this partying is helping our World Cup ambi....

Maradona: Quiet you! You can speak when you score a goal, like my lovely Carlos.

*Maradona tussles Tevez's hair, Tevez rubs his head against Maradona's shoulder like an affectionate great dane*

Tevez: **Low Wookie type growl**

Maradona: Yes and Carlos is right, don't call me "boss" call me "Crazy Diego" or "Mr.Argentina"

Messi: Sorry ... Mr. Argentina.

Maradona: I said no talking from you! You, you're like that english player who doesn't score the goals.

Rodriguez: Wayne Rooney boss?

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*

Maradona: No, no the one who has played some matches in THIS World Cup ... Emile Heskey.

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter again, Messi frowns.*

Maradona: Ah, lighten up Messi, why can't you be "Easy" like that other Lionel, the one who sings "dancing on the ceiling"?

Messi: Lionel Richie?

Maradona: Yes, yes that's the one, sing it with me.....

*Maradona throws an arm around Messi swaying him side to side*

Maradona: Oh, what a feeling, when you're dancing on the ceiling.... Sing it Messi, sing it!

Messi: Oh, what a nice feeling it is when you dance ... I mean, that you are dancing on ....

Maradona: OK. OK shut up Messi! Your singing is as bad as your scoring here.

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter again, Messi frowns once more.*

Maradona: You know I danced on the ceiling once? Crazy. Sing it Carlos!

*Tevez wookie growls a rough tune of "Dancing on the Ceiling"*

Maradona (now dancing): Now that's more like it!

*World Cup* - Post Germany

*We join the lads dejected after their 4-1 loss to Germany, Rooney enters with a large grin*

Rooney: Oh Yeah! Whooooo! Now it's just to see who we're playing, Argentina or Meh-hi-co!

*The lads are confused as Rooney puts a hand out for hi-fives from some squad members, some just look at him others apprehensively clap his hand*

Rooney: Yeah great match lads we stuffed them and .... I ... Lamps ... did you swap shirts?

Lampard: No.

*Rooney slowly looks down at his own shirt's colour.*

Rooney: Did I?

Lampard: No.

Rooney:......Crap!

Terry: What's with Jamo?

Upson: I dunno, he was doing that all match.

*David James is mouthing what appears to be instructions mixed with profanity at the three defenders*

Johnson: We can't hear you.

James: Oh, sorry, the Vuvuzelas must've messed up my hearing. Is this better?

Johnson, Terry & Upson: Yeah.

James: You're $%^*in' useless, you bunch of £$%&in' $%&s!!

*Johnson, Terry & Upson lower their heads*

James: You're alright Ashley .... For a &%$£

A.Cole: Cheers.

Capello: eh, eh eeeeh! What I tell you at half time?! We need goals!

A.Cole: Well I did my best boss I think that ...

Capello: No, no, no. Goals! Goals!

J.Cole: You didn't even bring me on at half time, I mean admittedly I was poor, but....

Capello: No. Goals!

Gerrard: Scholes didn't come with squad though boss?

Capello: Gooooals! Anyway it is too late now. England team you were terrific!

Barry: Really boss? Thanks, I mean we lost and all but it's nice to know we have your support...

*Capello pulls a confused face*

Capello: no, no no. Wait a moment.

*Capello thumbs through his English-Italian dictionary and nods*

Capello: Not terrific, Terrible! Wayne why you no score goals and win for England?

Rooney: I do more than score goals boss, I bring other players into the game and ...

Heskey: Hey!