Friday 26 February 2010

Carling Cup Final

*We join MON and the lads preparing for a historic Carling Cup final at Wembley*

MON: Settle down lads settle down, now all week people have said 'Martin who's in the team?', 'Mr.O'Neil what's your pick for the final?' and I have kept it secret, it's just the way I operate.

*The lads all lean in with great interest.*

MON: And it will remain a secret! I'll take it to my grave! You'll have to pry the team sheet from my cold dead hands I tell you! Cold dead hands!

Dunne: Will ya not have to let us, tha team, know who's playing bass?

MON: Hmmm .... Fair point.

*Sidwell raises his hand excitedly*

Sidwell: Oooh, ooh boss am I playing!? Am I?

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

Sidwell: What? I can play football!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter again, MON lifts his glasses dabbing the tears in his eyes with a handkerchief*

MON: Oh Steve, you're a gem. Now the goalkeeping dilemma has also been on the tips of everyone's tounges 'which Brad will he choose?' you cry. Well the 'keeper I've chosen has proven himself a protector beyond reproach and a man willing to throw his body wherever it takes. Brad, come on in!

*Friedel and Guzan look at each other puzzled, as the door opens and 'Brad' is forced through them followed by John Robertson.*

MON: Congratulate Bradley everyone!

*The lads stare, mostly in silence, Gabby is applauding, it's Bradley, from Eastenders*

MON: Brad everyone!

*Friedel has buried his face into his gloves, Guzan is scratching his head, Gabby is prodding Bradley's face with his finger*

Gabby: I thought you were dead?

MON: Now Brad would you care to put on your gloves.

Bradley: Thanks for the opportunity and all but I'm not a footballer.

MON: Nonsense, I know alot of 'keepers feel that way but you're every bit as an integral part of the team as a defender or striker Brad my boy.

Bradley: No .... I mean .... and my name's not actually Bradley it's .....

MON: Nevermind nicknames lad, just get your gloves on, we have our final match to play.

Gabby: Final match!? Are United going to .... Kill us?

MON: I'll kill you if we don't win!

*The lads all look at MON with unease, MON smiles*

MON: Only kidding lads.

*The lads look relieved, some of them chuckle*

MON: John will. Show 'em what you're working with Robbo.

*a sneering John Robertson unzips his large coat, opening it to reveal an array of deadly weapons.*

MON: Now get out there! It's death or glory! Play like your lives are on the line. Because they are!

F. A. Cup: Crystal Palace Replay

*The lads are preparing for their replay against Crystal Palace*

MON: OK Lads, he we are, replay.

Delfouneso: #Shorty's like a melody...#

*the dressing room erupts with laughter, MON looks confused*

MON: Short what? Nathan explain yourself?

Delfouneso: Nothing, just a song boss.

MON: Anyway...... what was I saying?

Delfouneso: na na na na everyday?

*the dressing room erupts with laughter, MON now looks annoyed*

MON: What? Are you using your urban, youth culture to make me the butt of your jokes here? I will not be your joke's butt!

*the dressing room erupts with laughter again*

Harewood: Ha ha butt!

MON: That's it! You're not in the team.

Harewood: I'm too injured to play anyway boss, remember? Broken foot.

*Harewood points to his foot, which is hanging off*

MON: Yes .... Well..... Of course you were never going to play.

*MON sheepishly pulls out his tactical notepad and puts a line through something before putting it back in his pocket.*

MON: Anyway, there's a lot of media nonsense saying that we're already thinking of Wembley and we're not focussed on this match.

*Milner and A.Young remove their plastic, St George bowler hats with "WEMBLEY" printed across and large foam "Villa Wembley" fingers, hiding them behind their backs*

MON: But that's not the case is it lads!? We're ready to give Neil Warnock something to moan about aren't we!?

*Delph's head pops out from the crowd*

Delph: Hell yeah!

MON: Not player injuries Fabian.

*Delph's head pops out from the crowd*

Delph: Boo!

MON: They think I'll play a second string team, Ha! I don't even know the meaning of second string...... Seriously ..... What is a second string?

*The lads begin cheering and looking each other confused as they march toward the door*

MON: Now go out there and put in the best performance you can without getting yourself tired or injured, except you Steve, you can knock yourself out.

Sidwell: Thanks boss.

MON: You're welcome.

Monday 22 February 2010

Match 26: Post Burnley

*We join the lads celebrating their 5-2 victory over Burnley, Heskey is doing his 'I got a goal' dance*

Heskey: Oh yeah! Scoring the winner at the death, that's what Emile William Ivanhoe Heskey is all about.

Milner: The winner? At the death? There were loads of goals and yours was somewhere in the middle man.

Heskey: I didn't see you scoring any winning goals James.

Milner: I was layin' on assists like.

Heskey: Assists? Pah! The people want goals young James, one day you'll learn that. I'll teach you to put a few away if you'd like?

*Milner raises his eyebrows in bemusement as MON enters, he is singing to himself as he strolls through the doors.*

MON: ...and we'll keep on fighting to the end, we are the...... What in the ....!? Gabriel unhand Stewart at once!

*Gabby stops throttling Downing*

Gabby: He stole my celebration boss!

MON: He what?

Gabby: The one where I look super happy and jump pointing to my name on my back with my thumbs.

*Downing climbs to his feet rubbing the back of his neck*

Downing: I cannae help it, I like goals like.

*Gabby lunges for Downing*

Gabby: I like goals!

*half of the team are restraining Gabby*

Downing: I just like 'em more than you pet, I mean I scored two, how many did you score?

*Gabby starts pointing to his fingers, counting the goals he scored.*

Downing: You scored one Gabriel, one.

MON: Enough of this bickering lads there were enough goals for everyone. Good battling and passion out there. James, you must've lost 12 pints of blood from your head.

*A weak, paler than usual Collins barely raises his hand and slowly extends a thumbs up*

MON: And Emile, I think we're all beginning to see your potential, why with the right coaching in a few years you'll be an excellent striker.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter, Delph approaches Ashley Young*

Delph: Mr.Young sir?

A.Young: Yes Fabian?

Delph: I was wondering if you could show me something.

A.Young: No problem Fabian, I love to help out the youngsters with their tricks and technique, what do you want to learn? How to beat your man or how to whip in a cross or...?

Delph: No that one tackle when you smashed Eagles and you were like 'Pow!' and Eagles was like 'Aaaaargh my leg, back and arms!' and the ref was like 'play on!'

*Delph looks attentively at A.Young, pulling out his notepad and pen.*

Match 26: Burnley

*We join the lads getting ready for their match against Burnley*

MON: OK lads we've been here before, Burnley are a.....

*A loud roar is heard outside the dressing room*

MON: What in the world?

*The door crashes open and Brian Jensen storms in, he is snarling, kicking chairs about and knocking over flipcharts, Sidwell is holding up a chair with the legs pointed at "the beast"*

Sidwell: What the hell is that thing!?

Delph: I dunno, but if I can kick it, I can kill it.

*Delph lurches forward with a grin on his face*

MON: No Fabian! Get back here.

*Delph frowns, Brian Laws appears in the doorway*

Laws: Brian! Brian!

*Laws grabs the large chain around Jensen's neck and tugs him toward the door.*

Laws: Sorry fellas, he gets a bit "flappy" when we're away from home.

MON: Get it out of my dressing room!

*Laws and Jensen leave*

MON: Right with the fixtures piling up I'm going to have to rotate the squad.

*MON points to his squad and formation on a whiteboard, Ashley Young raises his hand*

MON: Ashley?

A.Young: Boss that's the same squad we always play.

MON: Oh but is it Ashley? As you can see I have swapped James and Stilyan in the middle, James will play in the left central position, Stilyan in the right.

Milner: That's what we already pleey like.

MON: Oh.

*MON turns to the whiteboard rubbing out Milner and Petrov's names and swapping them around*

MON: There, and just to shake things up around the 70 or 80 minute mark I'll bring on Steve or Fabian, they'll never see it coming.

*Delph mutters aloud as he jots on a notepad.*

Delph: (70th minute ..... Kick Eagles) Gotcha boss.

MON: Hang on, no kicking.

Delph: (...and Elliot)

MON: Wait what are you writing there?

*Delph clutches his notepad to his chest*

Delph: Nowt boss.

*MON returns to his team talk*

Delph: (...Especially Eagles)

Friday 19 February 2010

F. A Cup: Post Crystal Palace

We join the lads solemn after their draw with Crystal Palace. MON enters shaking his head.*

MON: Saints preserve us, Stephen your dad is still banging on about "that" corner, tell him to give it a rest will you?

S.Warnock: Neil Warnock's not my dad boss.

MON: Yes, I probably wouldn't admit it either.

S.Warnock: But he's not, we're not even related....

MON: Yes, distance yourself I would.

S.Warnock: No, seriously....

*MON turns to the all the lads*

MON: Well lads, don't feel sorry for Crystal Palace, they were never going to match such a strong team, I mean we didn't want to go out of the F.A Cup and we certainly didn't want to congest our fixture list with a replay.

A.Young: Boss .... We did congest our fixture list with a replay.

MON: Come again?

A.Young: We only drew, it was 2-2.

MON: WHAT!? But the way Neil is going on....

A.Young: He's always like that.

MON: And the way we celebrated when Petrov scored....

*MON mimics in slow motion the little dance of delight he did on Petrov's goal*

A.Young: Yeah, I think it was relief mainly.

MON: So did ANYTHING good come of the match!?

Delph: I got a card to add to my collection boss!

*Delph opens a card wallet folder flipping through the cellophane pages filled with red and yellow cards, he slides his new yellow card into one of the pages, Sidwell peers at it impressed*

Sidwell: Oooh Nice.

Delph: Did you see when I kicked that guy? I was all like "woooooooy yah!" Then the ref was all like "Calm down Fabian, I'm putting you in my book" Then I was like "no way man, I didn't even touch him" then the air ambulance came and....

*There is a knock on the dressing room door, it opens slightly and Neil Warnock sticks his head around it*

N.Warnock: You ready Stephen? Your mum's got tea on.

S.Warnock: You're NOT. MY. DAD!

Friday 12 February 2010

F. A. Cup: Crystal Palace

*The lads are gearing up for their F.A Cup clash against Crystal Palace*

MON: OK lads, we're going to Crystal Palace. It's going to be....

Gabby: A Crystal Palace? Does the queen live there?

MON: No Gabriel.

Gabby: What about the king?

MON: King? What king? There is no king. It's a football team, Anyway at Selhurst Park ....

Gabby: The park? I thought we were going to a palace?

MON: Hercules!

*The Hercules the lion Mascot enters the Dressing Room, he does a silent, little dance*

Gabby: Oooh a lion.

*Gabby leaves his chair and sits on the floor cross-legged facing the dancing lion mascot as MON continues*

MON: Anyway where was I? Ah yes, Crystal Palace are a...

Milner: Soor what like? We go in a room and solve a puzzle? If we make it we get a crystal if we fail we get locked in the room and...

MON: That's Crystal Maze!

*Ashley Young and Milner are now engaged in conversation*

A.Young: ..... and all the tickets are flying around in the massive dome....

*MON is jumping up and down*

MON: I said that's Crystal Maze! Look lads we have to be cautious of this team, they knocked out Wolves last round.

Carew: Wolves!?

MON: The football team.

Carew: Wolves that play football!?

MON: Well .... Not really.

Carew: So...

MON: Bella!

*Bella the lioness Mascot enters the Dressing Room, she does a silent, little dance. Carew scrambles for his wallet in his trousers whilst watching over his shoulder*

MON: Anyway enough of this nonsense. Stilyan are you fit enough to play?

*Petrov winces and shakes his head*

Petrov: No boss.

*MON tosses Petrov the captain's armband*

MON: Then lead the lads to victory!

*MON is making his way to the door*

Petrov: I said no boss.

MON: Victory!

*Petrov stares at the now vacant doorway.*

Carew: Woooooooooo!

Thursday 11 February 2010

Hansen on "The Nani Tackle"

*Alan Hansen, is prompted to reminisce after Nani's fantastic, wrongly punished tackle on Stilyan Petrov*

Commentator#1: Good evening chaps we're looking forward to a spiffing game of football what

Commentator#2: Oh aye, it doesnay get much better than this, Liverpool against some team not as famous as them.

Commentator#1: It certainly does not my incomprehensible, scottish friend. Without further ado let us watch the action.

*The game is kicked off, the opposition striker beats Liverpool's forwards and midfield and is kicking the "ball" which is in fact a housebrick wrapped in brown tape toward the Liverpool goal, Alan Hansen pounces*

Hansen: Have at you!

*Hansen is pointing a cutlass at the striker*

Hansen: Enguard!

Striker: What? I don't even have a swor....

*Hansen plunges his sword into the strikers heart, he keels over quite dead. Hansen boots the ball clear*

Hansen: Ha!

Commentator#1: and it looks like? Yes a free kick for Liverpool.

Commentator#2: Aye, ya cannae just lie down dead, most unmanly.

Commentator#1: rather, how uncouth.

*the ref asks the opposition manager whether he will sub the "injured" striker, he puffs on his cigar and shakes his head, he shall play on. The opposition team catch another break, a midfielder has made it into Liverpool's box. Hansen is charging him down. With an axe.*

Hansen: Yeeeaaaaaaaaarrrrggggh!

Midfielder: My Arm!!?!? You've had it off you cad!

Commentator#1: and it's another free kick for Liverpool.

Commentator#2: ye cannae just lose a limb on the hallowed turf of Anfield

Commentator#1: Most unsightly, oh dear there appears to be ructions in the crowd. They've found a woman in the terraces!

Commentator#2: burn 'em at the stake I say!

*Back at the studio*

Lineker: Alan? ..... Alan!?

Hansen: Ah those were the days....

Lineker: Alan?

Hansen: Oh .... Yes Gary.

Lineker: So .... Your opinion on the Nani incident?

Hansen: Never a red card Gary. Never.

Dixon: But Alan.....

Hansen: I said never!!

Match 25: Manchester United

We join the lads preparing for their match against Man Utd, MON wheels in a school style TV stand with a large TV and VCR into the dressing room*

MON: Right lads I want us to keep up momentum and give Man United a hiding.

A.Young: A nil-nil hiding?

MON: Yes. I'm already tired of Sir Alex's mind games, since the weekend he's beat me at Boggle, Scattegories and Taboo! Anyway, Emile, you will be spearheading the attack.

Heskey: But boss, I'm injured, I can barely stand.

MON: I thought you'd say that so I've brought an inspirational video with me.

*MON slides the video cassette out of it's card sleeve, posts it into the VCR and presses play*

Heskey: I can't see how an "inspirational" video is going to ....

MON (repeatedly pointing to the TV screen): Shhhhhhh.

*It's Dancing on Ice, Heather Mills is skating poorly around the rink, as it comes to an end a tear is rolling down MON's cheek*

MON: Look at her, the people's princess. Emile how do you feel now?

Heskey: Injured.

MON: Emile, how many legs have you got?

Heskey: Two .... but I think ....

MON: That's right. Two! And here you are complaining.

Heskey: But.... I mean .....

MON: Emile. William. Ivanhoe. Heskey. I want you go out there and do what she does.

Sidwell: You want him to dance on ice boss?

*The Dressing Room is filled with chuckles*

MON: I want him to dance on the pitch!

*MON holds up a claret and blue leotard it's plastered with rindstones*

Heskey: Boss I'm too injured to play and that leotard is at least two sizes too small for me.

*A voice chimes in the background*

Voice: I shall have this dance boss, hand me the leotard!

*The lads all turn to the voice with interest, Nathan Delfouneso is standing proudly with his hands on his hips*

MON: I think not Nathan, for this kind of match we don't need an out-and-out goal scorer. John, you're up.

Carew: Awesome! I love Villa boss and I'll show them how much by doing nothing.

MON: Nothing!?

Carew: It's a norwegian custom.

MON: I don't think it is a norwegian custom John.

Carew: Are you norwegian boss?

MON: No, but ...

Carew: Are you norwegian?

MON: No

Carew: Just hand me the leotard!

Monday 8 February 2010

Match 24: Post Tottenham

*We join the lads reflecting on their 0-0 draw against Spurs, MON is nowhere to be seen*

A.Young: Has anyone seen the boss?

Milner: Last I saw, Harry was trying to sell him a truckload of video players like.

Delph: You mean DVD players.

Milner: Noor.

A.Young: Well, we better look for him.

*The players split up in search of MON at White Hart Lane, Eventually they happen on him, asleep in the dugout*

A.Young: Boss?

MON: ... And make sure he's british ......

A.Young: Boss!?

MON: .....With none of that "fancy Dan" stuff ......

A.Young: BOSS!?!?

*MON Snores loudly then jumps with a start*

MON: GET AT THEM! PUSH UP! MAN ON!

A.Young: Boss .... The match is over.

*MON raises his glasses, rubs his eyes and removes his claret and blue striped sleeping cap*

MON: Oh right .... Nil nil was it?

A.Young: Yeah.

*Everyone returns to the Dressing Room*

MON (yawning and stretching): Well another outstanding show of defence, you should be proud of yourselves lads we defended the hell out of Spurs out there. Richard.

Dunne: Yes dere bass?

MON: Richard, Richard, Richard.

Dunne: Yes? .... Bass?

MON: When I put your name on the team sheet I know no goals will be scored..... Much like you Emile.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

Heskey: It's not my fault boss, I got injured, I planned to score at least three goals.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter again*

Heskey: What's funny? I can score goals!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter once more*

Heskey: Besides I help out at the back and like they say the best form of Offence is a good defence boss.

MON: Who? Who says that Emile? They're wrong! The best form of offence is offence that's why they called it "offence"

*Sidwell and Delph are whispering at the back of the dressing room*

Delph: I'm so fed up, I didn't get to kick anyone ... Anyone! I mean I tried to kick John Robertson and he kept dodging me, he's like an old ninja.

Sidwell: I know, why'd he start with Stilyan? I mean I heard he was injured.

Delph: I heard he's dead .... and the boss still plays him.

*Sidwell and Delph look over at Petrov who is unblinking and rigidly in a standing position but leaned resting on a chair*

MON: What're you two talking about back there!?

Delph & Sidwell: Nothing boss.

MON: Stilyan, what were they talking about?

*Everyone turns to Petrov, he doesn't move and remains silent*

MON: Is that right Stilyan? OK then.

*The lads all look at each other, Petrov's hand falls off*

MON: Fabian, go and get the physio, tell him to bring the tape.

Friday 5 February 2010

Match 24: Tottenham Hotspurs

*We join the lads preparing for their clash against Spurs*

MON: Right, settle down lads, now for this match I ....

*There is a knock at the door, MON (quite annoyed at being interrupted) answers it. It's Harry Redknapp and Peter Crouch*

Redknapp: Marty! 'Ow are you me auld china!?

MON: I'm fine thanks Harry.

Redknapp: Sir 'Arry, please.

MON: You're not a knight of the realm Harry and I have no issue beginning a word without a vowel.... Anyway as you can see I'm quite busy, how can I help you?

Redknapp: I was wonderin' if you'd like to buy this job lot of captain's armbands ..... Crouchie!

*Crouch lugs a massive cardboard box dropping it at MON's feet, MON opens the box*

MON: What am I going to do with a box of hundreds of armbands Harry? And why do they all have a large capital 'E' on?

Crouch (whispering): I told you he'd notice boss!

Redknapp: Shut it Crouchie you plonker! Marty, obviously it stands for ''E's the captain'

MON: No thanks Harry .... and why are you pair dressed as Batman and Robin?

Redknapp: Long story ..... Wembley Tickets?

*Redknapp thrusts a fistful of Wembley tickets toward MON.*

MON: Hang on ... Where did you get those? ..... NATHAN!?

*MON turns to see Nathan Baker has disappeared*

A.Young: He said something about the Costa Del Sol boss.

*MON sighs and slams the door in Redknapp and Crouch's faces*

Crouch: Well that went better than I thought it would.

Redknapp: Don't worry Crouchie my son, my next scheme's going to make us millions, first we buy Pompey, then ....

Crouch: Can we not just play football boss?

*Back in the dressing room*

MON: I only have one tactic for this match lads.

*MON pulls down a rolled up poster, unveiling a large picture of Jermaine Defoe's face, he's smiling widely and is surrounded by a bold red circle with a line through it*

MON: Stop. Jermaine. Defoe

*Delph and Sidwell's eyes widen and gleam*

Sidwell: You mean 'Stop him', 'stop him' boss?

MON: Well I ....

*MON turns, Delph is repeatedly kicking holes in the face poster*

MON: Fabian!?

Delph: What?...... I like kicking people.

MON: Steven!?

*Sidwell stops growling and raises his eyebrows, a piece of poster his hanging from between his teeth like an oversized tongue*

Monday 1 February 2010

Match 23: Post Fulham

*We join the lads celebrating their victory over Fulham, MON enters, despite the win he seems annoyed*

MON: Long ball team!? Long ball? I swear if one more person mentions 'long ball' I'm going to kill them!

A.Young: Come on boss, everyone knows it's not true, the statistics are there to be seen.

Milner: Aye an' even the meern man Alan Shearer said it like, who knows more about football than Shearer man?

*The lads look at each other silently*

MON: Enough about that anyway, Gabriel you scored! And twice, why you went through defenders like Vanessa Perroncel!

Gabby: Thanks boss.

MON: Yes, I'm so glad you finally netted in the league, I was considering offering you in a swap deal for Jason Scotland.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter, MON is laughing an obviously fake, hearty laugh that goes on a little too long*

MON: Yes, what a funny joke.

*MON peers at the screen on his mobile phone, it reads 'Roberto Martinez Call?', he presses cancel*

Heskey: Ha ha ha Jason Scotland, he never scores does he?

*The lads all look at Heskey, he lowers his head*

MON: And my fantastic defenders another clean sheet.

*The defenders high five each other and pat each other on the back*

MON: Richard, James, Luke you're like an impenatrable wall and Carlos with your beard and no-nonsense attitude you're like a young Chuck Norris.

Cuellar: Viva Chuck Norris!

*The dressing Room erupts with laughter, the door knocks loudly, MON answers it, it's Steve the coach driver*

Steve: Ready for the long haul team!?

*MON leaps at Steve, he is throttling him and flushed with rage*

A.Young: He said haul boss! Haul!