Monday, 5 July 2010

*World Cup - Argentina* Post Germany

Guittierez: Dey 23 of tha weerld cup. Argentina have just been beaten be Germany. Lion-ul and Maxi are in tha kitchen. They're talkin' aboot Diego's tactics.

*Messi is stirring a cup of tea Rodriguez has just made him whilst speaking candidly*

Messi: ...I mean to be honest I'm not the kind of guy to question my boss you know...

Rodriguez: Sure, Lionel, you're a good guy.

Messi: Yeah, thanks. I mean at Barcelona they never say "getting wasted makes you a better player". Tell the truth I was beginning to wonder if half the stuff we did at night over here is even leg.... Oh Heeeeey boss!

*Maradona enters and cuts Messi a disapproving glance*

Messi: uh ... I mean Diego.

*Maradona's furrows his eyebrows*

Messi: Uh ... Crazy Diego. We were just drinking tea ... You want some?

Maradona: Is it "crazy" tea?

Rodriguez: No .... Regular.

Maradona: No thanks.


Guittierez: Sergio and Juan are in tha seating area.


Agüero: Man ... I can't believe we were beat by Germany ... You know I woke up with an elephant in my room before the match this morning?

Verón: Big girl huh?

Agüero: No, elephant. Trunk, tusks, the works .... Know what the craziest thing was? .... It was an Indian elephant.

Verón: Yeah? How do you know?

Agüero: Smaller ears.

Verón: .... At least now we won't have to go for "nights out" with the boss anymore.

*Agüero rubs the back of his own neck*

Agüero: .... Yeah ....


Guittierez: Carlos and Javier are in the garden. They're talkin' aboot politics.


Tevez: **High wookie whine**

Mascherano: You're right Carlos, that would definitely have halted the global economic downturn, they should have listened to you in the first place.


Guittierez: Diego has called everywun to tha' seating area.

Maradona: Alright Jonas enough following us around saying every little thing we do in your silly accent.

Guttierez: Sorry, Mr. Argentina.

Maradona: No ... It is I who is sorry ... I mean ruthlessly efficient, coldly calculating germans? Who saw that coming?

*The lads all look at each other*

Maradona: Well, no as a matter of fact ... Yes .... It's all your fault.

*Maradona sweeps a pointing finger across the whole team. They look angered*

Maradona: What? Don't look at me like that, with your sad, loser eyes.

Verón: Boss .. I mean Crazy Diego, in fairness your pre-match tactic was making us take shots of tequila with our eyes and simply saying "score more goals than them!"

Maradona: ... and did you?

Verón: Obviously not ... I mean we got thrashed but ...

Maradona: Exactly Juan Sebastián! Exactly! I ask you to do one simple thing and you can't even get that right. You know I won the World Cup on my own!?

*The lads all roll their eyes as Maradona recounts his story .... again*

Maradona: .... I didn't even know what planet I was on, what World the cup belonged to. Look at you players nowadays, drinking tea and eating rice cakes!

Messi: I like tea! It's envigorating.

Rodriguez: Yes, and rice cakes are a light, high G.I snack boss, great for...

Maradona: Boss!? I am not your boss, you miserable lightweights.

Macherano: If you like cigar smoking, beer swilling, unprofessional louts maybe you should coach England!

Tevez: **High wookie growl**

Maradona: You too Carlos!? Your words, they cut like a knife! A knife! Fine then maybe I will go and coach England!

Macherano: Fine!

Maradona: Fine!

*Maradona angrily makes the sign of the cross and leaves the room ..... minutes later he pops head around the door*

Maradona: Leaving party anyone?

*Maradona shakes a bottle of Jack Daniels*

*World Cup - Argentina* Pre Germany

*We join the Argentine lads preparing for their match against Germany, they are all laughing*

Maradona: Do it again Jonas, again!

Guittierez: "Deeeey eyyt in tha big bruvar house"

*The dressing room erupts with laughter again*

Maradona: Ha ha ha! You sound just like Gazza Gascoine and the man who sings "Crocodile Shoes". Anyway lads we're about to get preperation under way.

*Maradona pulls the cork out of a large bottle of brandy.*

Messi: Boss, I'm not sure all this partying is helping our World Cup ambi....

Maradona: Quiet you! You can speak when you score a goal, like my lovely Carlos.

*Maradona tussles Tevez's hair, Tevez rubs his head against Maradona's shoulder like an affectionate great dane*

Tevez: **Low Wookie type growl**

Maradona: Yes and Carlos is right, don't call me "boss" call me "Crazy Diego" or "Mr.Argentina"

Messi: Sorry ... Mr. Argentina.

Maradona: I said no talking from you! You, you're like that english player who doesn't score the goals.

Rodriguez: Wayne Rooney boss?

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*

Maradona: No, no the one who has played some matches in THIS World Cup ... Emile Heskey.

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter again, Messi frowns.*

Maradona: Ah, lighten up Messi, why can't you be "Easy" like that other Lionel, the one who sings "dancing on the ceiling"?

Messi: Lionel Richie?

Maradona: Yes, yes that's the one, sing it with me.....

*Maradona throws an arm around Messi swaying him side to side*

Maradona: Oh, what a feeling, when you're dancing on the ceiling.... Sing it Messi, sing it!

Messi: Oh, what a nice feeling it is when you dance ... I mean, that you are dancing on ....

Maradona: OK. OK shut up Messi! Your singing is as bad as your scoring here.

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter again, Messi frowns once more.*

Maradona: You know I danced on the ceiling once? Crazy. Sing it Carlos!

*Tevez wookie growls a rough tune of "Dancing on the Ceiling"*

Maradona (now dancing): Now that's more like it!

*World Cup* - Post Germany

*We join the lads dejected after their 4-1 loss to Germany, Rooney enters with a large grin*

Rooney: Oh Yeah! Whooooo! Now it's just to see who we're playing, Argentina or Meh-hi-co!

*The lads are confused as Rooney puts a hand out for hi-fives from some squad members, some just look at him others apprehensively clap his hand*

Rooney: Yeah great match lads we stuffed them and .... I ... Lamps ... did you swap shirts?

Lampard: No.

*Rooney slowly looks down at his own shirt's colour.*

Rooney: Did I?

Lampard: No.


Terry: What's with Jamo?

Upson: I dunno, he was doing that all match.

*David James is mouthing what appears to be instructions mixed with profanity at the three defenders*

Johnson: We can't hear you.

James: Oh, sorry, the Vuvuzelas must've messed up my hearing. Is this better?

Johnson, Terry & Upson: Yeah.

James: You're $%^*in' useless, you bunch of £$%&in' $%&s!!

*Johnson, Terry & Upson lower their heads*

James: You're alright Ashley .... For a &%$£

A.Cole: Cheers.

Capello: eh, eh eeeeh! What I tell you at half time?! We need goals!

A.Cole: Well I did my best boss I think that ...

Capello: No, no, no. Goals! Goals!

J.Cole: You didn't even bring me on at half time, I mean admittedly I was poor, but....

Capello: No. Goals!

Gerrard: Scholes didn't come with squad though boss?

Capello: Gooooals! Anyway it is too late now. England team you were terrific!

Barry: Really boss? Thanks, I mean we lost and all but it's nice to know we have your support...

*Capello pulls a confused face*

Capello: no, no no. Wait a moment.

*Capello thumbs through his English-Italian dictionary and nods*

Capello: Not terrific, Terrible! Wayne why you no score goals and win for England?

Rooney: I do more than score goals boss, I bring other players into the game and ...

Heskey: Hey!

Saturday, 26 June 2010

*World Cup* - Pre Germany

*We join the lads preparing for their World Cup clash against Germany*

Pearce: Hi lads, Fabio's going to sit this one out. As it's England v Germany he's going to see who's winning then side with them.

*The lads look at each other worriedly*

Pearce: But not to worry, I've got a special treat in store. A man who knows all about playing Germany at the World Cup, a good friend of mine .... John Barnes!! John Barnes everybody!

*Barnes enters to applause from the players, he's wearing his Italia '90 England shirt, it no longer fits*

Barnes: Thankyou, thankyou.

Heskey: Wow John Barnes, your my hero ... I modeled my career on yours.

Barnes: But ..... Iusedtoscoregoals.

*Some of the players laugh, others just look confused*

Pearce: erm ... John you're going to have to slow it down a little.

Barnes: Oh ... OK.

Heskey: I thought you didn't play against Germany in Italia 90, weren't you injured against Belgium?

Barnes: Sssshhh I need the money. I'm between jobs. Anyway, thinking about this match and all of you I wrote down a few words of encouragement.

*Barnes unfolds a piece of paper, the players lean in intently.*

Barnes: Gareth, you're our holding midfielder right?

Barry: Yeah?

Barnes: OK, note this down.

*Barry takes up a notepad and pen*

Barnes: You've got to hold and give, but do it at the right time.

*Barry nods, Pearce raises an eyebrow*

Barry: .... Right .... Time. Got it.

Barnes: James, Stevie .... You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line.

Milner: Mix up the pace, right.

Gerrard: By-line crosses, gotcha.

Barnes: They'll always hit you and hurt you.

Heskey: Amen to that!

Barnes: Glen, Defend and attack.

Johnson: Defend? Why didn't I think of that! Thanks John.

Barnes: Wayne, Jermaine there's only one way to beat them, get 'round the back.

Rooney: That's it! That's what my game's been missing! I knew I'd forgot something.

Barnes: Now catch me if...

Pearce: Let me just stop you there John. You're just reciting your rap from "World in Motion"!

Barnes: Yeah... Well...

Pearce: We need the benefit of your experience not 90s song lyrics! I could've just sang Livin' on a flippin' Prayer!

Barnes: You don't know the words to Livin' on a Prayer Stuart, you just know the first 7 words! And it was released in '86, so technically...

Pearce: What!? No I don't "Tommy used to work on the docks ...."

*Pearce tails off mumbling*

Pearce: .... Well that's besides the point! Give these players some words from the heart!

Barnes: OK ... OK. Listen up lads. After 90 minutes of sheer hell, you're gonna get thirsty....

Pearce: Get out.

Barnes: Am I still gonna get my cheque? I'm struggling to make ends meet here...

Pearce: Out!

*World Cup* - Post Slovenia

*We join the lads celebrating their 1-0 victory over Slovenia and progressing into the final 16, Defoe enters*

All the lads: Whoooo!!! Yeah!!! Jermaine!!! What a finish!

Defoe: It's what I'm all about guys.

*Heskey is sat with his arms folded and frowning*

Heskey: I would've put that away.

*The dressing room erupts with laughter*

Heskey: What? I would have!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter again*

Heskey: I can score goals!

*The dressing room erupts with laughter once more*

Heskey: I can! I just prefer to make the other players on my team shine.

Gerrard: Whatever Emile, everyone knows you couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo.

Heskey: How many times do I have to tell everyone, it was the quickest cow in the field and my hands were wet, I didn't have a proper grip on the ....

*Terry enters*

All the lads: John!! What a lion!

Terry: Thanks guys.

Pearce: You were great John, slide tackling with your head? Inspired. I have to say you were playing out there like your life depended on it.

*Terry casts a fearful glance over to Capello who is making a slow "cut throat" gesture at him.*

Terry: Yeah .... English pride and all that....

*The lads follow Terry's gaze to Capello who has quickly changed his face to an uncomfortable, wide, teeth-baring smile*

Pearce: Brilliant stuff eh Mr.Capello? Any words for the lads?


*Capello is gesturing wildly*

Pearce: ....Erm.... Boss the match is finished.


*Capello is making a pushing motion with both hands*

Pearce: .... Um ... Yeah ... He said "Great work guys".

Capello: ATTACCO!!!

*World Cup* - Pre Slovenia

*We join the team gearing up for their match against Slovenia, Rooney and Gerrard are hiding behind their chairs*

Pearce: Steve, Wayne what're you doing!? We've got a big match coming up!

Rooney: Stevie says they're vampires boss!

*Gerrard nods*

Pearce: Vamp.... That's Transylvania.

Rooney: Oh.

*Rooney and Gerrard hesitantly take their seats like everyone else*

Gerrard: So are Transylvania in the World Cup?

Pearce: Of course not, how could they possibly play a match in the daytime?

*The players look at each other with reassured nods*

Pearce: Anyway.... We all know the negatives of the last match by now. You were rubbish. We have to focus on the positives.

Heskey: What are they boss?

Pearce: Jamie's suspended.

Carragher: Eh? Eh, Eh.

Pearce: Translation?

Heskey: He said he takes offence boss and is clearly the superior, defensively aware and altogether best centre back in the squad.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

Pearce (wiping a tear from his eye): Ah, the scouse wit.

Caragher: Eh! Eh!

Heskey: Two words. Michael Dawson.

*The laughter falls silent and the England players pull worried faces.*

Dawson: Hey!

Pearce: Enough of this anyway. All I know of Slovenia is that they drew with USA which means they're awful.

*The lads look around at each other.*

Pearce: and also .... Has anyone seen Joe Cole?

*Joe Cole slides down outside the window, squeegee and bucket in hand*

J.Cole: Clean windows for a hundred grand?!

Pearce: A hund ... Joe just get in here!

J.Cole: but I have to make a livin'!

*Terry enters, he is limping and covered in bruises and swelling.*

Lampard: Jesus ... John what happened, I thought you were going for showdown talks with the boss....

Terry: Yeah .... I ... er .... fell on the stairs at the hotel.

Lampard: Stairs, what stairs? We're in a bungalow apartment.

Terry: Yeah, sorry I mean I walked into one of our doors.

Lampard: But it's open plan.

Terry: I was in a car accident.

Lampard: But the boss doesn't let us ride in cars, he said they're for "show offs and prima donnas with no legs and ...."

Terry: Look, just leave it out will you.

*Capello enters in fedora and pinstripe suit, he's cracking his knuckles*

Capello: Youse not still talkin' with that big talkin' mouth o' yours are you Terry?

*Terry bows his head and cowers into the corner*

Terry: No boss, I mean sir ... Sir boss.

Capello: Mr.Terry and I, we have had a how you say "clear the air" discussion. We have decided that everything will be controlled by me and you will all shut your mouths and do as your told. Isn't that right John?

Terry: Yes boss .... Sir ... Mr.Capello boss sir.

*There is a knock at the door, it's Slovenia's head coach Matjaž Kek he's wearing full Dracula get up*

Kek: Good ev-en-ing, I vanted to say may the best men vin! Muhuhuhahahahahah!

*The lads look at each other with concern and Kek throws his cape around his mouth and runs off ....... before returning a few moments later with a confused expression in the doorway*

Kek: Could anyvone kindly direct me to the Slovenia dressing room?

*World Cup* - Post Algeria

*we join the lads with their heads hung after their disappointing goaless draw with Algeria, except for Rooney and Heskey who are sporting tired but wide grins. Capello enters*

Heskey & Rooney: Happy birthday Mr.Capello!!

*They step forward with an obviously homemade, eyesore of a cake*

Capello: Happy bir......!?!

*Capello launches the cake at the wall, it splats and slides halfway down*

Rooney: We spent all night baking that!? We were shattered ....

*Capello springs into a long-lasting, yelling rant. Lampard leans and whispers to Gerrard*

Lampard: I think he's run out of Italian swear words, he's on to just brand names now.

Capello: Peroni!? Bontempi!? Maserati!? Kappa!? ..... Intruder!!!

Gerrard: What's "intruder" make?

*Capello is pointing, visibly shaken*

Capello: No, no intruder, call the security!

*The players all turn to the trespasser, stunned*

Dawson: Who ... Me? It's me, Michael Dawson. Y'know "Daws"

All the Lads: Security! Security!

Dawson: C'mon, Aaron, Ledley Help me out!

*Lennon continues running aimlessly around the dressing room as he has since arriving in South Africa, King shrugs and continues sifting through his suitcase trying to find his favourite detachable leg. Security arrive*

Head Security Guard: You have a problem ... Oh I see, this man with no discernable footballing talent, he has intruded?

*The guard is sneering at Dawson*

Dawson: What!? I'm Michael Dawson.

Head Security Guard: I know who you are. Take him away.

*Dawson is bundled out by security, the lads cheer. Capello's anger returns.*

Capello: Now players what was it I say we need to win these matches!?

*The players look down at the ground in silence like embarrassed school children*

Rooney: ..... Cake?

*Capello puts his face into his hand and mutters under his breath then returns composed*

Capello: Cake!? ......Mio Dio .... Goal! I say "GOAL"!

*Half of the lads in the dressing room peel away in celebration. Crouch is doing the robot, Gerrard has slid on his knees, Rooney has cartwheeled, Heskey is stood with a confused look on his face whilst scratching his head*

Capello: Fiat!