*We join the lads in preperation for their match against Fulham*
MON: OK lads due to the recent league goal drought I've bought in a man who knows where the back of the net is, lads please welcome Dwight Yorke!
*Dwight Yorke strolls casually into the dressing room to generous applause*
Yorke: Thankyou, thankyou.
*Gabby raises his hand*
Yorke: Gabriel?
Gabby: Give us back our net!
Yorke: What?
Gabby: Our net! You know where it is!
*The lads are holding Gabby back*
MON: Gabriel, Gabriel it's just an expression meaning he's a prolific striker.
*Gabby sits down still staring accusingly at Yorke*
Yorke: O.....K, anyway Emile, I'll start with you.
*Heskey smiles a proud grin*
Yorke: Back in Trinidad and Tobago we have a word for the type of striker you are .... rubbish.
MON: So Dwight, any advice?
Yorke: Certainly, I would suggest that perhaps when you get a chance, you shoot .... You might score.
*Heskey scribbles attentively on his notepad*
Heskey: Shoot..... Might ...... Score.
Yorke: And you Gabriel, you have it all, pace, power you just need to work on your decision making.
*Gabby leans in with interest*
Yorke: I mean what're you doing getting these munters pregnant? Look at me, I bagged Jordan, raise the bar man!
*Gabby nods*
Yorke: You Big John, you're spending too long out there trying to look good.
*Yorke pulls a folded photo out of his pocket*
Yorke: Look at this, do I look like I'm concerned with looking good?
*It's a picture of Yorke smiling at the camera, he's wearing the hideous '94 green, red and black Muller away shirt*
Carew: No.
Yorke: No I don't, because I'm more concerned with beating the man and scoring goals.
Harewood: What about me Dwight!? How can I improve?
Yorke: You? You should not play football.
Harewood: Why because of my broken foot?
Yorke: No.
MON: Right thanks for that Dwight, lads go out out there and for the love of God one of you score!
Friday 29 January 2010
Match 22: Post Arsenal
*We join the lads chatting about their 0-0 draw, MON enters*
MON: Another great defensive performance lads, great clean sheet. You pair, Gabriel, Emile another outstanding clean sheet upfront.
Gabby: Thanks boss.
MON: I was being ironic.
Gabby: What, like a robot boss?
MON: Like a ro...? No that's bionic. Ah nevermind. Look I didn't want to do this but you're not cutting it as forwards so I'm having to explore the only other option.
Heskey: But boss I'm not about goals, I offer a different ....
MON: Shut up with that now Emile! The time has come, we must spring for a star player.
A.Young: Awesome! Anyone in mind boss?
MON: As a matter of fact yes Ashley, I'm talking a player with european pedigree.
Downing: ooh is it Dan Nistlerooy or that Hunt-Antler fella like?!
Bouma: Van Nistlerooy and Huntelarr.
Downing: Aye tha's what I said like, Hunt-Antler .... Who are yas anywee? Ye look like that wee fella from star wars man.
Bouma: I'm Wilfred Bouma, and I'm an expert on all things dutch, seriously ask me a question about windmills....
MON: Enough of your idle chat, I'm talking about a player capable of grabbing goals with abilities reaching the highest echelon of football.
A.Young: So we can afford such a player? Great! I was beginning to wonder....
MON: Afford him Ashley? Why a player of this experience and talent is priceless, but he shall play for Aston Villa.
*The lads now look suspiscious*
Dunne: So bass, have ya started talks with the ....
*the lads all stare in disbelief as MON unzips his tracksuit jacket and pulls down his tracksuit bottoms to reveal a full Aston Villa kit.*
Heskey: ....But boss, I don't think....
MON: Yes and you don't score goals! If Sol Campbell can resurrect his career at 65, so can I.
Heskey: Boss really, I'm not sure....
MON: I already have a number of goal celebrations prepared.
*MON starts doing 'the snake' with his arms*
MON: Ho ho, I've still got it, look at that.
Heskey: But you're not even a striker.
*MON stares at Heskey his eyebrows raised high above his glasses, Heskey lowers his head*
MON: Another great defensive performance lads, great clean sheet. You pair, Gabriel, Emile another outstanding clean sheet upfront.
Gabby: Thanks boss.
MON: I was being ironic.
Gabby: What, like a robot boss?
MON: Like a ro...? No that's bionic. Ah nevermind. Look I didn't want to do this but you're not cutting it as forwards so I'm having to explore the only other option.
Heskey: But boss I'm not about goals, I offer a different ....
MON: Shut up with that now Emile! The time has come, we must spring for a star player.
A.Young: Awesome! Anyone in mind boss?
MON: As a matter of fact yes Ashley, I'm talking a player with european pedigree.
Downing: ooh is it Dan Nistlerooy or that Hunt-Antler fella like?!
Bouma: Van Nistlerooy and Huntelarr.
Downing: Aye tha's what I said like, Hunt-Antler .... Who are yas anywee? Ye look like that wee fella from star wars man.
Bouma: I'm Wilfred Bouma, and I'm an expert on all things dutch, seriously ask me a question about windmills....
MON: Enough of your idle chat, I'm talking about a player capable of grabbing goals with abilities reaching the highest echelon of football.
A.Young: So we can afford such a player? Great! I was beginning to wonder....
MON: Afford him Ashley? Why a player of this experience and talent is priceless, but he shall play for Aston Villa.
*The lads now look suspiscious*
Dunne: So bass, have ya started talks with the ....
*the lads all stare in disbelief as MON unzips his tracksuit jacket and pulls down his tracksuit bottoms to reveal a full Aston Villa kit.*
Heskey: ....But boss, I don't think....
MON: Yes and you don't score goals! If Sol Campbell can resurrect his career at 65, so can I.
Heskey: Boss really, I'm not sure....
MON: I already have a number of goal celebrations prepared.
*MON starts doing 'the snake' with his arms*
MON: Ho ho, I've still got it, look at that.
Heskey: But you're not even a striker.
*MON stares at Heskey his eyebrows raised high above his glasses, Heskey lowers his head*
Wednesday 27 January 2010
Match 22: Arsenal
*We join the lads preparing for their match against Arsenal*
MON: OK lads, settle down. Craig Gardner is gone, he was a long serving player here so I thought I'd begin today's team talk with an opportunity to talk about the memorable moments he had at the club.
*MON stares at the lads, minutes pass in silence, Carew is twiddling his thumbs, Gabby is watching a fly buzz around the room, he begins matching it's buzzing noise*
MON: Now come on, there must be something? How about you Big John? Memories?
*Carew sits to attention looking sharply left and right*
Carew: Mammaries?
MON: No, Craig Gardner memories!?
Carew: Oh, Well ..... He scored a cracking goal for Jamaica a while back, World Cup I think, I mean I have respect for anyone who manages to captain their country.
MON: That's Ricardo Gardner. Right someone must have something, Gabriel! Stop following the fly!
Gabby: Bzz?
MON: Craig Gardner moment?
Gabby: I liked the bit where he got caught having an affair with that Eva Longoria lady.
MON: Are you talking about THE gardener from the televison programme, "Desperate Housewives" Gabriel?
Gabby: No Craig Gar.... No, no, you're right yeah, Desperate Housewives.
MON: Right so we've got nothing then?
A.Young: Well what's your favourite Craig moment boss?
*MON strokes his chin deep in thought ... Drifting to his favourite memory of Craig Gardner....*
~~~~~~~~
MON: Hi Craig!
Gardner: Hi boss, why have you called me to your office? Is it to talk about Villa? I love the Villa boss, I'm a lifelong fan!
*Gardner kisses the badge on his shirt*
MON: Um ... Yes sort of, I just need you to sign something.
*MON pushes forward a piece of paper with another sheet on top obscuring most of the details*
Gardner: What is it boss?
MON: It's just something to say that you want to play first team football.
Gardner: I've not had to sign anything like that before boss?
MON: Well you don't play first team football Craig, you wouldn't know would you?
Gardner: Guess not boss.
*Gardner signs and exits whistling "Holte Enders in the Sky" to himself*
MON: Excellent.
*MON removes the top sheet to reveal Gardner's new Birmingham City contract and opens his draw to look at the bundles of Hong Kong Dollars*
~~~~~~~~
A.Young: Boss? ...... Boss?
*MON is chuckling to himself*
MON: Oh sorry, yes Ashley?
A.Young: Nevermind, kick off's soon what's the plan against Arsenal?
MON: ...... Kick them.
MON: OK lads, settle down. Craig Gardner is gone, he was a long serving player here so I thought I'd begin today's team talk with an opportunity to talk about the memorable moments he had at the club.
*MON stares at the lads, minutes pass in silence, Carew is twiddling his thumbs, Gabby is watching a fly buzz around the room, he begins matching it's buzzing noise*
MON: Now come on, there must be something? How about you Big John? Memories?
*Carew sits to attention looking sharply left and right*
Carew: Mammaries?
MON: No, Craig Gardner memories!?
Carew: Oh, Well ..... He scored a cracking goal for Jamaica a while back, World Cup I think, I mean I have respect for anyone who manages to captain their country.
MON: That's Ricardo Gardner. Right someone must have something, Gabriel! Stop following the fly!
Gabby: Bzz?
MON: Craig Gardner moment?
Gabby: I liked the bit where he got caught having an affair with that Eva Longoria lady.
MON: Are you talking about THE gardener from the televison programme, "Desperate Housewives" Gabriel?
Gabby: No Craig Gar.... No, no, you're right yeah, Desperate Housewives.
MON: Right so we've got nothing then?
A.Young: Well what's your favourite Craig moment boss?
*MON strokes his chin deep in thought ... Drifting to his favourite memory of Craig Gardner....*
~~~~~~~~
MON: Hi Craig!
Gardner: Hi boss, why have you called me to your office? Is it to talk about Villa? I love the Villa boss, I'm a lifelong fan!
*Gardner kisses the badge on his shirt*
MON: Um ... Yes sort of, I just need you to sign something.
*MON pushes forward a piece of paper with another sheet on top obscuring most of the details*
Gardner: What is it boss?
MON: It's just something to say that you want to play first team football.
Gardner: I've not had to sign anything like that before boss?
MON: Well you don't play first team football Craig, you wouldn't know would you?
Gardner: Guess not boss.
*Gardner signs and exits whistling "Holte Enders in the Sky" to himself*
MON: Excellent.
*MON removes the top sheet to reveal Gardner's new Birmingham City contract and opens his draw to look at the bundles of Hong Kong Dollars*
~~~~~~~~
A.Young: Boss? ...... Boss?
*MON is chuckling to himself*
MON: Oh sorry, yes Ashley?
A.Young: Nevermind, kick off's soon what's the plan against Arsenal?
MON: ...... Kick them.
Friday 22 January 2010
FA Cup: Brighton Hove & Albion
*The lads are gathered for their F.A Cup clash against Brighton*
MON: OK lads I know we've had an exciting week getting to Wembley but...
Collins: Whoooooooo!!! Yeah!! Wembleeeeeeeeee!
MON: Calm James.
Collins: Wembley!
MON: James!
Collins: .... Wembley?
MON: Right, what was I saying? Ah yes, it's important that our minds aren't on Wembley, we must focus on Brighton.
Gabby: Bry .... Ton?
MON: Yes you know, 'The Seagulls'
A.Young: Is that when you .....
MON: No Ashley, No! Fabian, Nathan, Marc cover your ears.
*The three lads cover their ears*
MON: Ashley, we don't mention Stan Collymore in front of the kids.
*MON nods to the lads, they uncover their ears*
MON: Listen I know we don't know much about the Seagulls, but we mustn't underestimate them ....
*Gabby raises his hand*
MON: Gabriel?
Gabby: Because they'll nick our chips?
*Sidwell looks horrified*
MON: No, no Gabriel they're not actually seagulls.....
*Later ...... The lads are warming up on the pitch, the match is about to Kick-Off, Sidwell is sneering intensley at the Brighton forwards*
Sidwell: You're not having my chips!
Murray: ...Chips? What chips?
Sidwell: I know your game Seagull! You're dead! You hear me!? Dead!
Murrary: Dude, stop screaming, please, calm down.
*The match kicks off Murray is stretchered off, Sidwell is given a red card.*
MON: OK lads I know we've had an exciting week getting to Wembley but...
Collins: Whoooooooo!!! Yeah!! Wembleeeeeeeeee!
MON: Calm James.
Collins: Wembley!
MON: James!
Collins: .... Wembley?
MON: Right, what was I saying? Ah yes, it's important that our minds aren't on Wembley, we must focus on Brighton.
Gabby: Bry .... Ton?
MON: Yes you know, 'The Seagulls'
A.Young: Is that when you .....
MON: No Ashley, No! Fabian, Nathan, Marc cover your ears.
*The three lads cover their ears*
MON: Ashley, we don't mention Stan Collymore in front of the kids.
*MON nods to the lads, they uncover their ears*
MON: Listen I know we don't know much about the Seagulls, but we mustn't underestimate them ....
*Gabby raises his hand*
MON: Gabriel?
Gabby: Because they'll nick our chips?
*Sidwell looks horrified*
MON: No, no Gabriel they're not actually seagulls.....
*Later ...... The lads are warming up on the pitch, the match is about to Kick-Off, Sidwell is sneering intensley at the Brighton forwards*
Sidwell: You're not having my chips!
Murray: ...Chips? What chips?
Sidwell: I know your game Seagull! You're dead! You hear me!? Dead!
Murrary: Dude, stop screaming, please, calm down.
*The match kicks off Murray is stretchered off, Sidwell is given a red card.*
Monday 18 January 2010
Match 21: Post West Ham
*We join the lads pleased with the draw against West Ham. MON enters*
MON: Defenders well done, nice clean sheet. Midfielders, good battling, some good creative work out there.
*MON starts heading toward his office*
Gabby: And the strikers?
*MON turns back to the players, looking over his glasses*
MON: Strikers? Oh I'm sorry Gabriel I didn't realise there were any strikers playing!
Gabby: Boss ... Are you ... angry? Because on the interview you said ...
MON: Yes I'm angry, West Ham fielded a 10 year old who looked more of a threat than you three stooges!
Gabby: He's 18 boss.
MON: Oh so now you choose to be accurate Gabriel!?
Heskey: Boss calm down the vein on your head is ....
MON: Why don't you shoot Emile?
Heskey: What? Now?
MON: Now?! You don't even have a ball! I mean on the pitch, you're a forward for God's sake act like one.
Heskey: But .... But I bring something different to the table.
MON: "But I bring something different to the table" wah, wah, wah.
*MON feigns rubbing his eyes*
Heskey: You monster!
*Heskey flees from the dressing room hiding his tears with his forearm*
MON: And you, you don't care do you!?
*MON points at Carew who is filing his nails singing "John Carew, Carew" quietly to himself*
MON: I know you can hear me John!
Carew: he's gonna score one or two....
MON: John!?
Carew: John Carew, Carew.
MON: Great! You know what this means don't you? Every Tom, Dick and Harry whining that we need a 20 goal a season super-hero with bionic legs and a telescopic head.
A.Young: Like Inspector Gadget boss?
MON: Yes, like Inspector bloody Gadget! Or some foreign striker they bought on their "play box station" computer game thing!
*Gabby raises his hand*
Gabbys: Boss they're called .....
*MON removes his glasses, Gabby lowers his hand*
MON: Defenders well done, nice clean sheet. Midfielders, good battling, some good creative work out there.
*MON starts heading toward his office*
Gabby: And the strikers?
*MON turns back to the players, looking over his glasses*
MON: Strikers? Oh I'm sorry Gabriel I didn't realise there were any strikers playing!
Gabby: Boss ... Are you ... angry? Because on the interview you said ...
MON: Yes I'm angry, West Ham fielded a 10 year old who looked more of a threat than you three stooges!
Gabby: He's 18 boss.
MON: Oh so now you choose to be accurate Gabriel!?
Heskey: Boss calm down the vein on your head is ....
MON: Why don't you shoot Emile?
Heskey: What? Now?
MON: Now?! You don't even have a ball! I mean on the pitch, you're a forward for God's sake act like one.
Heskey: But .... But I bring something different to the table.
MON: "But I bring something different to the table" wah, wah, wah.
*MON feigns rubbing his eyes*
Heskey: You monster!
*Heskey flees from the dressing room hiding his tears with his forearm*
MON: And you, you don't care do you!?
*MON points at Carew who is filing his nails singing "John Carew, Carew" quietly to himself*
MON: I know you can hear me John!
Carew: he's gonna score one or two....
MON: John!?
Carew: John Carew, Carew.
MON: Great! You know what this means don't you? Every Tom, Dick and Harry whining that we need a 20 goal a season super-hero with bionic legs and a telescopic head.
A.Young: Like Inspector Gadget boss?
MON: Yes, like Inspector bloody Gadget! Or some foreign striker they bought on their "play box station" computer game thing!
*Gabby raises his hand*
Gabbys: Boss they're called .....
*MON removes his glasses, Gabby lowers his hand*
Carling Cup: Post Blackburn Rovers Leg1
*We join the lads celebrating their victory, MON however is trashing the place*
MON (throwing a chair): Cheat! Cheat!? That's what he's saying!
A.Young: Boss calm down, what's up?
MON: Yellow carding my Gabriel for simulation is what is "up" Ashley! That brute almost broke my poor Gabriel in half! It's just like when those cads upended you at Arsenal!
Gabby: Stimulation?
MON: Simulation Gabriel, the referee said you cheated!
Gabby: She's not pregnant this time though boss, honest.
MON: Pregnant? What are you talking about!?
*Gabby is called to do his interview*
Sky Sports Interviewer: Jesus, I've got to interview Agbonlahor, how can a man with so many syllables in his name struggle so much to string a few together?...... Oh, Gabriel Hi!
Gabby: Yes.
SSI: "yes" what? I've not asked a question yet.
Gabby: No.
SSI: Wait, I've not asked you anything, why....
Gabby: The 3 points, that's what's important.
SSI: OK ..... Now Gabriel, you got a yellow card for simulation in that match, how worried are you that kind of tag sticks to players?
*Gabby examines the hem of his shirt, holds out the neck of it and turns in circles trying to see the back. The interviewer is confused*
SSI: .... um ..... Gabriel?
*Gabby stops and looks at the interviewer with the expression of a confused hound*
SSI: What are you doing?
Gabby: Looking for the tag.
*MON emerges from the Dressing Room*
SSI: Ah Martin! You're always great for an interview, so what do you make of your chances of going on to the fi....
*MON grabs the boom mic*
MON: CHEAT!?!?!
SSI: Ah I see, upset about the yellow card ..... and what of the Chimbonda handball?
*MON falls silent, removes his glasses and stares at the interviewer*
.....
SSI: Martin! Martin! Unhand me from this headlock at once! It's most unprofessional and I'm beginning to lose cons....
MON (throwing a chair): Cheat! Cheat!? That's what he's saying!
A.Young: Boss calm down, what's up?
MON: Yellow carding my Gabriel for simulation is what is "up" Ashley! That brute almost broke my poor Gabriel in half! It's just like when those cads upended you at Arsenal!
Gabby: Stimulation?
MON: Simulation Gabriel, the referee said you cheated!
Gabby: She's not pregnant this time though boss, honest.
MON: Pregnant? What are you talking about!?
*Gabby is called to do his interview*
Sky Sports Interviewer: Jesus, I've got to interview Agbonlahor, how can a man with so many syllables in his name struggle so much to string a few together?...... Oh, Gabriel Hi!
Gabby: Yes.
SSI: "yes" what? I've not asked a question yet.
Gabby: No.
SSI: Wait, I've not asked you anything, why....
Gabby: The 3 points, that's what's important.
SSI: OK ..... Now Gabriel, you got a yellow card for simulation in that match, how worried are you that kind of tag sticks to players?
*Gabby examines the hem of his shirt, holds out the neck of it and turns in circles trying to see the back. The interviewer is confused*
SSI: .... um ..... Gabriel?
*Gabby stops and looks at the interviewer with the expression of a confused hound*
SSI: What are you doing?
Gabby: Looking for the tag.
*MON emerges from the Dressing Room*
SSI: Ah Martin! You're always great for an interview, so what do you make of your chances of going on to the fi....
*MON grabs the boom mic*
MON: CHEAT!?!?!
SSI: Ah I see, upset about the yellow card ..... and what of the Chimbonda handball?
*MON falls silent, removes his glasses and stares at the interviewer*
.....
SSI: Martin! Martin! Unhand me from this headlock at once! It's most unprofessional and I'm beginning to lose cons....
Carling Cup: Blackburn Rovers Leg 1 Replay
*We join Emile Heskey in a dressing gown and underpants, he's playing Call of Duty on the XBox and is holding the phone between his face and his shoulder*
Heskey: Hi Boss, I can't make it to today's match. I'm snowed in.
MON: What!? This is terrible Emile!
Heskey: Yeah I know, it's a real shame. I was looking forward to playing Sam Allardyce's Blackburn in the cold and snow but alas I'm trying my best I just can't dig my way out.
TV: "Dogs! Coming right at us!"
Heskey: Die you stinking mutt!
MON: Emile!? Did you just call me a stinking mutt!?
Heskey: No..... It's a dog ........ trying to stop my digging plight.
MON: And you're trying to kill it?
Heskey: Yes? .... With the shovel, the shovel I'm digging my way out of the snow with.
MON: You show that dog who's boss Emile!
Heskey: OK boss anyway have a nice match, bye.
*Heskey hears a loud whirring outside, he opens his front door and peers out*
MON (with Megaphone): Emile grab the ladder!
*a helicopter is hovering above Heskey's head, MON has thrown down a rope ladder, Heskey climbs it and sits miserably next to MON*
Heskey: Boss really, you shouldn't have.
MON: It'll take more than an injury or avalanche to stop me fielding you Emile.
Heskey: Yeah, great, cheers.
MON: Aren't you cold?
Heskey: Hi Boss, I can't make it to today's match. I'm snowed in.
MON: What!? This is terrible Emile!
Heskey: Yeah I know, it's a real shame. I was looking forward to playing Sam Allardyce's Blackburn in the cold and snow but alas I'm trying my best I just can't dig my way out.
TV: "Dogs! Coming right at us!"
Heskey: Die you stinking mutt!
MON: Emile!? Did you just call me a stinking mutt!?
Heskey: No..... It's a dog ........ trying to stop my digging plight.
MON: And you're trying to kill it?
Heskey: Yes? .... With the shovel, the shovel I'm digging my way out of the snow with.
MON: You show that dog who's boss Emile!
Heskey: OK boss anyway have a nice match, bye.
*Heskey hears a loud whirring outside, he opens his front door and peers out*
MON (with Megaphone): Emile grab the ladder!
*a helicopter is hovering above Heskey's head, MON has thrown down a rope ladder, Heskey climbs it and sits miserably next to MON*
Heskey: Boss really, you shouldn't have.
MON: It'll take more than an injury or avalanche to stop me fielding you Emile.
Heskey: Yeah, great, cheers.
MON: Aren't you cold?
Friday 8 January 2010
Match 20: Wigan Athletic
*We join the lads preparing for their return clash with Wigan*
MON: Today lads, it's about revenge.
A.Young: What's with the outfit boss?
*MON is stripped to the waist covered in boot polish and is wearing a red tie around his head*
MON: It's to symbolise the Rocky spirit Ashley. When Rocky lost to Apollo Creed he came back better and stronger to win, that is what I expect of you lads in this match.
Sidwell: but....
MON: Pipe down Steve your views and impact on games are irrelevant, anyway as I was saying did losing stop Rocky winning? No. Did having a brain disease that would certainly kill him should he fight stop him? No. That's what I want from you lads.
Carew: You want us to get killer brain diseases?
MON: No! To fight and to win!
Dunne: Are you not Rambo dere from the filim Rambo bass?
MON: I'm Rocky from the film Rambo, you know when he did his brief stint in the army? I ordered the boxing shorts from eBay but they were too big so I had to improvise and go for his army days.
Guzan: It's John Rambo in Rambo boss.
MON: No young Bradley I think you'll find ....
*MON reads the back of the DVD on which he's modeled himself*
MON: Balls. Well then this bit of the team talk isn't going to make much sense then.
*MON presses play on a CD player, James Brown's "Living in America" blasts out. Brad Friedel bursts into the room wearing a big "Uncle Sam" hat with stars and striped shorts, boots and long sequined jacket.*
Friedel: Whoooo! Yeah! Everybody! Rocky Spirit!
*Friedel stops suddenly*
Friedel: What's going on, why are you dressed as Rambo? I thought we were doing Rocky?
MON: Yes, it appears our plan has failed. Lads I want you to instead adopt the Rambo spirit.
Guzan: You want us to what? Kill everyone?
MON: Yes, kill them all.
MON: Today lads, it's about revenge.
A.Young: What's with the outfit boss?
*MON is stripped to the waist covered in boot polish and is wearing a red tie around his head*
MON: It's to symbolise the Rocky spirit Ashley. When Rocky lost to Apollo Creed he came back better and stronger to win, that is what I expect of you lads in this match.
Sidwell: but....
MON: Pipe down Steve your views and impact on games are irrelevant, anyway as I was saying did losing stop Rocky winning? No. Did having a brain disease that would certainly kill him should he fight stop him? No. That's what I want from you lads.
Carew: You want us to get killer brain diseases?
MON: No! To fight and to win!
Dunne: Are you not Rambo dere from the filim Rambo bass?
MON: I'm Rocky from the film Rambo, you know when he did his brief stint in the army? I ordered the boxing shorts from eBay but they were too big so I had to improvise and go for his army days.
Guzan: It's John Rambo in Rambo boss.
MON: No young Bradley I think you'll find ....
*MON reads the back of the DVD on which he's modeled himself*
MON: Balls. Well then this bit of the team talk isn't going to make much sense then.
*MON presses play on a CD player, James Brown's "Living in America" blasts out. Brad Friedel bursts into the room wearing a big "Uncle Sam" hat with stars and striped shorts, boots and long sequined jacket.*
Friedel: Whoooo! Yeah! Everybody! Rocky Spirit!
*Friedel stops suddenly*
Friedel: What's going on, why are you dressed as Rambo? I thought we were doing Rocky?
MON: Yes, it appears our plan has failed. Lads I want you to instead adopt the Rambo spirit.
Guzan: You want us to what? Kill everyone?
MON: Yes, kill them all.
Carling Cup Semi L1: Blackburn Rovers
*We join the lads gearing up for the first leg of their semi-final against Blackburn*
MON: I've got some sad news lads.
*The lads brace themselves for bad news*
MON: It's going to be tricky trying to keep Craig at the club....
*Craig Gardner is gripping both sides of the doorframe, MON is barging him in the back with his shoulder*
MON: See the thing is, he wants first team football and the offer from the Blue side of the City is too good to pass for him.
*MON is continually attempting to ram Gardner out of the door, he is barely budging*
Gardner: No! I didn't say that! Let me stay, I don't want first team football, I'll do anything!
MON: It's not that I want the £3.5 million lads, we just don't want to hold back Craig's career.
*MON is biting Gardner's hand, whilst still trying to force him out the door*
Gardner: Look I've got plans I could be another lion mascot, like a Scrappy-doo type one, the kids 'll love it and I can .....
MON: No, no Craig we wouldn't want to keep you here another season against your will.
*Alex McCleish arrives with a large novelty cheque and a cat carrier*
Garder: No! Nooooo!
*MON and McCleish stuff Gardner into the cat carrier, he's still scratching at the door*
McCleish: Och! He's a feisty 'un he'll fit righ' in.
*MON yanks the cheque and slams the door in McCleish's face*
MON: No refunds! Anyway lads, I'll keep it short we have a psychological advantage going into this match. I have something for each of you.
*MON walks by all the lads handing them each a suitcase. The lads pop them open to reveal....*
A.Young: Rifles!?
MON: Rifles, now if any Blackburn player enters the box, bring the mother down.
*Delph raises his hand*
MON: Fabian?
Delph: I'm not sure the FA allows the use of rifles boss, if we use them on players in the box we're bound to give away penalties and perhaps be prosecuted by the laws of the land?
MON: Have you never heard commentators say "if he'd done that on the street he'd have been arrested"?
Delph: Yes Mr. Martin but I don't think that...
MON: It's different rules on the pitch Fabian, you'll learn that.
*Dunne raises his hand*
MON: Richard?
Dunne: and tha' pennos bass?
MON: Brad Guzan.
*The dressing room nods and makes a sound of satisfaction and agreement*
Sidwell: Boss, why have I not got a rifle?
MON: You're dangerous enough Steve.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: I've got some sad news lads.
*The lads brace themselves for bad news*
MON: It's going to be tricky trying to keep Craig at the club....
*Craig Gardner is gripping both sides of the doorframe, MON is barging him in the back with his shoulder*
MON: See the thing is, he wants first team football and the offer from the Blue side of the City is too good to pass for him.
*MON is continually attempting to ram Gardner out of the door, he is barely budging*
Gardner: No! I didn't say that! Let me stay, I don't want first team football, I'll do anything!
MON: It's not that I want the £3.5 million lads, we just don't want to hold back Craig's career.
*MON is biting Gardner's hand, whilst still trying to force him out the door*
Gardner: Look I've got plans I could be another lion mascot, like a Scrappy-doo type one, the kids 'll love it and I can .....
MON: No, no Craig we wouldn't want to keep you here another season against your will.
*Alex McCleish arrives with a large novelty cheque and a cat carrier*
Garder: No! Nooooo!
*MON and McCleish stuff Gardner into the cat carrier, he's still scratching at the door*
McCleish: Och! He's a feisty 'un he'll fit righ' in.
*MON yanks the cheque and slams the door in McCleish's face*
MON: No refunds! Anyway lads, I'll keep it short we have a psychological advantage going into this match. I have something for each of you.
*MON walks by all the lads handing them each a suitcase. The lads pop them open to reveal....*
A.Young: Rifles!?
MON: Rifles, now if any Blackburn player enters the box, bring the mother down.
*Delph raises his hand*
MON: Fabian?
Delph: I'm not sure the FA allows the use of rifles boss, if we use them on players in the box we're bound to give away penalties and perhaps be prosecuted by the laws of the land?
MON: Have you never heard commentators say "if he'd done that on the street he'd have been arrested"?
Delph: Yes Mr. Martin but I don't think that...
MON: It's different rules on the pitch Fabian, you'll learn that.
*Dunne raises his hand*
MON: Richard?
Dunne: and tha' pennos bass?
MON: Brad Guzan.
*The dressing room nods and makes a sound of satisfaction and agreement*
Sidwell: Boss, why have I not got a rifle?
MON: You're dangerous enough Steve.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
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