Ian & O'Neill - Home Grown Ruling

*We join MON and Villa's head scout Ian Storey-Moore playing squash*

MON: ((FOREHAND!)) So Ian .... I've been thinking.

Ian: ((BACKHAND!)) Thinking? What about taking over the world of football again?

MON: Yes Ian ((FOREHAND!)) Do I think of anything else?

Ian: Well no, not really ((BACKHAND!))

*MON and Ian continue the rally for five more minutes*

Ian: .... So? ((FOREHAND!))

MON: ((BACKHAND!)) So what?

Ian: ((FOREHAND!)) What are you thinking, in regards to taking over the world? Narf!

MON: Oh yes, my plan ((BACKHAND!)) so with this new "home grown" player rule I'm thinking we do just that.

Ian: Well we're already in good stead for that Martin, ((FOREHAND!)) most of our players are home grown as you don't let me out of the country.

MON: Yes, home grown indeed. ((BACKHAND!))

Ian: So your plan is to further invest in the academy? ((FOREHAND!))

MON: Academy!? ((FOREHAND!)) No, I say we grow players .... From the earth.

Ian: From ... The earth? ((BACKHAND!))

MON: Yes, like potatoes ((OVERHAND SMASH!))

*The ball rebounds off the wall flying past a stunned still Ian Storey-Moore, MON reaches into his pocket*

MON: See I grew this potato at home, do you not think this potato has the look of a young Steve Bruce?

Ian: A little Martin but seriously you can't expect root vegetables to...

MON: and this leek, does it not have a likeness of Peter Crouch?

Ian: Martin, let go of my arm, you're scaring me.

MON: Good, british produce Ian, THAT is what will win us the league, that is how we will take over the world .... of football.

Ian: Martin .... I think you've gone mad.

MON: Oh but have I?

Ian: Yes, I think so.

MON (shaking the Bruce potato and Crouch leek at Ian): HAVE I!?

Ian: ...Yes?

MON: They said Einstein was mad, they said Columbus was mad, they took over the world of football.

Ian: I don't think they did Martin. I think....

MON: Enough of your thinking Ian, it's time for action! To the greenhouse!

*MON drags a fearful Ian to his allotment to find birds have ravaged his "crop", MON falls to his knees*

MON: Nooooooooooooo! Hughes! You'll pay for this!

Ian: I don't think Mark Hughes had anything to do with this, I think you just need to get a scarecrow .... and some .... Help.

MON(sobbing): Quiet Ian, I'm making plans for tomorrow night.

Ian: Why Martin? What are we going to do tomorrow night?

MON (straight-faced and dry-eyed): The same thing we do every night Ian, try to take over the world of football!