Clean Sheets

*We join James Collins and Richard Dunne who on the back of two consecutive defensive shut-outs have opened a laundrette called "Clean Sheets". James has just arrived*

Dunne: Alright dere Marmalade?

Collins: Did you just call me "Marmalade"?

Dunne: Ta be sure! I figure ya've hair like an orange and James like jam y'know? I t'ought we need nicknames if we're ta form a good partnership.

Collins: I don't like marmalade.

Dunne: tha name or tha food?

Collins: Either!

*Dunne scratches his head*

Dunn: How's about "Ginger Jam"?

Collins: no.

Dunne: Ginjam?

Collins: NO! James or Mr.Collins will do me fine thankyou.

*Dunne visbly looks to be thinking of more names*

Collins: Who's that?

Dunne: Just some temps we've got in, Carlos Cuellar and Stilyan Petrov

Cuellar: I cannae get these stains oot captain, I doon't have tha powerrr

Dunne: Captain? Not yet my curly friend, but soon ... Very soon.

Petrov: What was that?

Dunne: Nothing Stilyan ..... Stilyan have you been using my industrial bleach.... On your hair?

*Petrov's hair glows platinum white*

Petrov: No boss, of course not boss ...

*Cuellar and Petrov return to scrubbing clothes frantically, Isaiah Osbourne and Moustapha Salifou enter"

Collins: Ah customers! Welcome to Clean Sheets ...Hey Get back in there you!

*Collins crams Frederic Piquionne back into his pocket*

Osbourne: Hi, we're here to get our tracksuits cleaned.

Collins: Sure thing .... Wait I don't see bags....

*Osbourne and Salifou have stripped to their claret and blue Y-Fronts and are loading their tracksuits into a machine*

Collins: What in the .... You're not even wearing kits underneath them!?

Salifou & Osbourne: Kits?

Collins: Yeah, y'know .... When you're going to play, you strip ... to your kit?

Salifou (turning to Osbourne): Do you have a "kit"?

Osbourne (welling up): No Moustapha, no I don't! My tracksuits not even a Villa one, it's an old Scunthorpe United one I bought off eBay.

Dunne: Hello dere fella can I help you?

*Gabby sits watching washing in a machine turn attentively*

Dunne: Hello dere? ...... Hello? ..... Hello dere?!

Gabby: I like Goals I do.

*Dunne scratches his head and appears to have a brainstorm*

Dunne (yelling across the laundrette): How's about Sunny D!?

Collins: (yelling back): No!

...