The Unveiling

We Join the media frenzy as MON has called another of his infamous press conferences.

Press #2: Wow, exciting times at Villa Park eh?

Press #1: I guess, if you call immobile players exciting. I just hope Martin's not going to come out here and sing again.

Press #2: Oh come on, Downing's a quality player and I loved MON's rendition of "Patience", it brought a tear to my eye.

Press #1: What do you think this is about anyway? Another signing?

Press #2: Got to be surely, Mart's on a roll ... Oh shhhh he's coming.

*MON steps out from behind the stage with a telling grin on his face*

Press #2: Look at that grin, it's got to be a signing, a world-class signing.

Press #1: Shhhhhhh!

MON: The temperature's rising ....

Press #1: He's singing "it's raining men", I'm off....

Press #2: No wait

*John Robertson adjusts the air conditioning, Press #1 breathes a sigh of relief*

MON: Hello ladies and gentlemen of the press, before this window opened I made a promise to you and the fans.

Press #2: Promise?

Press #1: Shhhhhhh!

MON: Yes, a promise to scour Europe and bring back the finest european players to Villa Park.

Press #2: This is going to be amazing, Huntelaar? Ibrahimavic? Viera?

Press #1: Shhhhhhh!

MON: Today I show you that Martin' O'Neill is a man of his word.

Press #2: I think I'm going to wet myself!

Press #1: Shhhhhhh!

MON: You can come out now!

*Stewart Downing hobbles out from behind the stage in full Middlesbrough kit*

Press #1: Downing?!

*Downing takes a seat next to MON, press #2 raises his hand*

Press #2: Martin, isn't that just Stewart Downing wearing a beret and a garlic necklace?

Downing: I've got a bread stick in tha' back like.

MON: Yes, he also has no sense of humour. Stewart, two blondes walk into a bar ..... You'd have thought one of 'em would've noticed it.

*Downing sits in silence, unflinching*

MON: See? You don't get more european than that.

*The press start to leave in their droves*

MON: Wait, wait he is european, look I have his passport

*MON waves Downing's passport at the leaving crowd*