*World Cup* - Pre Slovenia

*We join the team gearing up for their match against Slovenia, Rooney and Gerrard are hiding behind their chairs*

Pearce: Steve, Wayne what're you doing!? We've got a big match coming up!

Rooney: Stevie says they're vampires boss!

*Gerrard nods*

Pearce: Vamp.... That's Transylvania.

Rooney: Oh.

*Rooney and Gerrard hesitantly take their seats like everyone else*

Gerrard: So are Transylvania in the World Cup?

Pearce: Of course not, how could they possibly play a match in the daytime?

*The players look at each other with reassured nods*

Pearce: Anyway.... We all know the negatives of the last match by now. You were rubbish. We have to focus on the positives.

Heskey: What are they boss?

Pearce: Jamie's suspended.

Carragher: Eh? Eh, Eh.

Pearce: Translation?

Heskey: He said he takes offence boss and is clearly the superior, defensively aware and altogether best centre back in the squad.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

Pearce (wiping a tear from his eye): Ah, the scouse wit.

Caragher: Eh! Eh!

Heskey: Two words. Michael Dawson.

*The laughter falls silent and the England players pull worried faces.*

Dawson: Hey!

Pearce: Enough of this anyway. All I know of Slovenia is that they drew with USA which means they're awful.

*The lads look around at each other.*

Pearce: and also .... Has anyone seen Joe Cole?

*Joe Cole slides down outside the window, squeegee and bucket in hand*

J.Cole: Clean windows for a hundred grand?!

Pearce: A hund ... Joe just get in here!

J.Cole: but I have to make a livin'!

*Terry enters, he is limping and covered in bruises and swelling.*

Lampard: Jesus ... John what happened, I thought you were going for showdown talks with the boss....

Terry: Yeah .... I ... er .... fell on the stairs at the hotel.

Lampard: Stairs, what stairs? We're in a bungalow apartment.

Terry: Yeah, sorry I mean I walked into one of our doors.

Lampard: But it's open plan.

Terry: I was in a car accident.

Lampard: But the boss doesn't let us ride in cars, he said they're for "show offs and prima donnas with no legs and ...."

Terry: Look, just leave it out will you.

*Capello enters in fedora and pinstripe suit, he's cracking his knuckles*

Capello: Youse not still talkin' with that big talkin' mouth o' yours are you Terry?

*Terry bows his head and cowers into the corner*

Terry: No boss, I mean sir ... Sir boss.

Capello: Mr.Terry and I, we have had a how you say "clear the air" discussion. We have decided that everything will be controlled by me and you will all shut your mouths and do as your told. Isn't that right John?

Terry: Yes boss .... Sir ... Mr.Capello boss sir.

*There is a knock at the door, it's Slovenia's head coach Matjaž Kek he's wearing full Dracula get up*

Kek: Good ev-en-ing, I vanted to say may the best men vin! Muhuhuhahahahahah!

*The lads look at each other with concern and Kek throws his cape around his mouth and runs off ....... before returning a few moments later with a confused expression in the doorway*

Kek: Could anyvone kindly direct me to the Slovenia dressing room?