Match 5: Portsmouth

*We join the lads preparing for the Pompey match*

MON: Right lads, I want to continue winning ways so I'll be naming an unchanged team.

*The selected team cheer, the others groan*

MON: Oh except I would like to make some minor changes. Isaiah, Moustapha remove your tracksuit tops.

*Osbourne slips out of his top with lighting speed .... leaving it inside out and still zipped. Salifou also takes off his top. They grin at each other widely*

Osbourne: Oh yes, Mama always said this day would come and here it is, "be patient Isaiah" she said "the day will come" she said ....

MON: .... here are your new tracksuit tops, wear them with pride.

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter, Osbourne and Salifou hang their heads zipping up their new tracksuit jackets*

MON: Yes, by "wear them" I mean never take them off and by "with pride" I mean EVER!

*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter again*

MON: Now enough joking. We're up against a fierce Pompey side. Especially Defoe, especially Crouch and especially Campbell.

Robertson (whispering): Pssst boss they're no longer at Portsmouth.

MON: Kranjcar?

Robertson: Tottenham.

MON: Nugent?

Robertson: Burnley.

MON: Burnley?! Ha we'll have a whale of a time against 5-man Pompey lads .... Is David James still there?

Robertson: Yes boss.

MON: Ha ha! Excellent! Right lads if Pompey don't forfeit the match I want 10-nil by half time. Non-scorers will be replaced by Osbourne and Salifou.

Salifou & Osbourne: Hurray!

MON: No .... Wait Heskey and Petrov.

Petrov: But I'll already be playing boss.

MON: Then you'll play twice!

Petrov: But .... How can I play twice I'm only one man and.....

MON: Enough Stilyan or you'll be captain right back! Now go out there and win or die! And by "die" I mean get substituted!