A Deadline Day Carol

*We join a miserly MON (wearing PJs and a sleeping cap) waking on Transfer Deadline Day Eve*

MON: Ha, what manner of boring signing shall I make to further insult the good fans of Aston Villa today?

*MON picks up the paper*

MON: Linked to Defour? Van De Vaart? Veloso? What in the world!? If it's players they've never heard of before they want, that's what they'll get! English players they've never heard of MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAH!

*MON laughs an evil laugh almost until he breaks into a choking fit*

MON:((cough, cough)) I best ready myself and leave for Work.

*MON heads for office bumping into a small lad in a Villa kit*

Lad: Fine day Mr.O'Neill, will you be signing us an attacking midfielder the likes of which will astound and bamboozle defences today?

MON: Listen good child, I shall sign James Collins before the morrow comes!

Lad: James.... Collins? Who is this? A scottish player of flair perhaps?

MON: No foolish boy, an anonymous defender from West Ham.

*MON again breaks into an evil laugh*

Lad: but....

MON: Hold your tongue! I fear you have a case of the Jimmy McHagens!

*MON heads to work where he generally rests on his laurels chuckling at others dealing in the transfer market and returns home*

MON: What is that eerie clanking sound.

Eerie voice: Whooooooaaaaaa,whoooooooaaa! Do I not like shackles.

MON: Graham Taylor? Is that.... you?

Taylor: Yeeeees Maaaartin, it is, I'm the ghoooooost of Villa past

MON: You're not a ghost, you're on radio five live!

Taylor: For the purposes of this story I'm a ghost.

MON: OK Taylor ghost, what say you?

Taylor: I'm here to bring you back.

MON: Back to when our "long ball" tactic was successful, are we to see your Watford or my glorious Leicester?

Taylor: No.

MON: Drat.

Taylor: Look into my magical turnip.

*MON and Taylor gaze into the magic turnip produced*

MON: It's last season!

Taylor: Yes, yes you were flying high but you still complained of a small squad.

MON: Well we do have a small squad.

Taylor: Quite, but how did you rectify this?

MON: I bought Emile, he's as good as ten men!

Taylor: Is he Martin? Is he really?

MON: Yes.

Taylor: REALLY !?!?

MON: YES!

Taylor: Behold!

*The scene changes to a cafe with David Moyes and Arsene Wenger mulling over the window*

Moyes: Och, have ye seen who wee O'Neill has signed?

Wenger: Yes, yes I have. It is Emile Heskey.

Moyes: I dinnae believe it, he's as good as handed us champion's league.

Wenger: Yes, let us laugh at him when I end this sentance.

*Moyes and Wenger laugh, increasing in volume and hysterics*

Moyes: Arsene?

Wenger: Yes?

Moyes: If your french why dee ye sound so German?