Ian and O'Neill - Conquering Europe

It's Ian and O'Neill
it's Ian and O'Neill
One looks at players, the other makes deals
to find players of worth
they scour the whole Earth
It's Ian, it's Ian and O'Neill, Neill, Neill, Neill, Neill

*We join MON and Villa's head scout Ian Storey-Moore in the gym. MON is on the treadmill, Ian is next to him on the rowing machine*

MON: I have a plan Ian.

Ian: A plan? ((ROW)) Is it to take over the world of football again? ((ROW))

MON: Yes, yes it is....

*MON falls silent turning back to his running line*

Ian: So ((ROW)).....What's your plan?((ROw))

MON: Oh yes, the plan. We go to europe and get players Ian, european players!

Ian: Europe!? *Ian stops rowing*

MON: Yes Europe.

Ian: But we don't like Europe, they eat horse meat!

MON: I know.

Ian: ...and sauerkraut!

MON: I know.

Ian: They almost never talk about the weather! What if rains Martin? How will we communicate with these "european players"? How will we convey to them that it is raining?

MON: Hmmmmm, I think they'll SEE the rain and perhaps we'll have no need to say "it's raining" or "terrible weather" at all

*Ian strokes his chin, warming to the idea*

Ian: Hmmmm, maybe. How do we get to this Europe anyway?

*MON hops off the still moving treadmill with cat like agility and points at the wall*

MON: There.

*a Poster adorns the wall with "EUROPE, tickets £23"*

MON: Are you pondering what I'm pondering Ian?

Ian: Maybe, but I'm not sure the Uzbekistanian Government would approve of a 30 foot gold Elvis statue..

MON: No Ian, that we get tickets and go to Europe.

Ian: Oh.... Yeah.

*Martin takes note of the ticket office details and MON and Ian leave the Gym shortly arriving to purchase tickets*

MON: Two tickets for Europe please my good man.

Seller: Like Europe gents?

Ian: No, they eat horse meat and ...

MON: Ian! Yes, we love Europe.

Seller: Well have a good time

MON: We will Seller man, we will.

*MON breaks into a maniacal laugh, the seller looks confused*

Seller: O....K, £46 please.

*Later Ian and MON queue with their tickets and passports, they're running late*

Ian: There are an awful lot of leather clad men with beards going to Europe Martin.

MON: They have a more lax view on fashion in Europe Ian, obviously.

Ian: Oh, OK.

*MON and Ian get to security*

Security Guard 1: Tickets?

*MON and Ian present their tickets, security make way for them to enter*

MON: Hang on, are you not going to check our identification?

*the security guards look at each other puzzled*

Security Guard 2: No .... We think you look old enough!

*the security guards break out in laughter, MON and Ian enter, annoyed*

Ian: Well this is odd.

*Loud music booms out*

MON: Wait a minute I know this song, it's...

From stage and crowd: THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

Ian: Narf!

MON: This isn't a voyage to the continent at all, it's a concert for 80's swedish rock band, Europe!

*Though disappointed MON and Ian rock late into the night returning home sweaty and exhausted, MON looks wistfully out of the window*

Ian: What're you doing Martin?

MON: Making plans for tomorrow night Ian.

Ian: Why Martin? What are we going to do tomorrow night?

MON: The same thing we do every night Ian, try to take over the world of football!