*We join the lads in the dressing room preparing for Everton, Heskey and Carew are carrying a large box for MON*
MON: That's fine lads stick it there.
*Carew and Heskey put down the large box in front of the team*
MON: Right lads, we have a big challenge ahead. Everton are a dangerous team. Lescott's not there any more and Agent Knight has taken care of Tim Cahill but their major threat still exists.
Young: Saha?
MON: No Ashley.
Milner: Jagleilka?
MON: No James, Fellani.
*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*
MON: Stop your laughing! Don't let his comedy hair fool you lads, he's as viscious as a cornered rat ... with an afro.
Young: So what's the plan boss?
MON: Good question Ashley, good question. A good manager is always prepared. That is why I have these!
*MON opens the large box all the players scurry around to see it's contents.*
Young: Hockey masks?
MON: Yes hockey masks, with these I ..... Stilyan stop chasing Fabian around with that mask on and where did you get that machete!?
Petrov: Sorry boss.
*Petrov removes his mask and puts down his machete*
Milner: Soor hows we gonna beat Fellani with halloween masks like?
MON: Halloween? These are to protect your beautiful faces from Fellani's wandering elbows. Now I have one for each of you except Isaiah and Moustapha of course their faces shall be well protected by at least three rows of seats ..... Where are Moustapha and Isaiah anyway?
.......*Outside the dressing room Salifou is dressed in a sheepskin coat with a flat cap*
Salifou: Now then Isaiah have I got a money spinner for us this time.
Osbourne: What is it this time Sal boy? I'm still in trouble from last time.
*Salifou holds up a shirt with Guzan's face photoshopped onto Jesus' body, it has the slogan "Guzan Saves" underneath.*
Salifou: Isaiah you plonker, we sell these we'll make a fortune. We just need to get Bradley to wear this toga.
Guzan: I don't know guys, isn't this kinda blashpemy?
Salifou: Nonsense, none of us are married.
Guzan: I think you're thinking of bigamy.
Salifou: Yeah, yeah it's really big of you to help us out.
Saturday 31 October 2009
Sunday 25 October 2009
Match 9: Post Wolverhampton Wanderers
*We join the lads muted over their draw against Wolves*
MON: Well, it was a woeful first half and a bit better second, just a shame we couldn't hold the lead.
Sidwell: Sorry boss.
MON: No, no Steve don't apologise, I knew you were a flame haired psycho when I wrote your name on the team sheet, it's not your fault. Now Richard, we need to talk, you need to tone down your defending, just defend OUR goal from now on and we'll be more successful.
Cuellar: He cannae help himself man, he loves tha defendin'.
*MON looks at Cuellar's interpreter*
Interpreter: He can't help himself, he loves defending too much.
MON: I know Carlos, I know ...... Where is he?
*the dressing room falls silent as the players look to their left and right for Dunne*
Young: Can anyone else hear crying?
*the lads investigate the sobbing coming from the toilets to find Dunne looking over his shoulder at the mirror, tears streaming down his eyes*
MON: Good heavens, Richard? Are you alright?
Dunne: Yes boss [sniff!]
MON: Why are you ..... Crying?
Dunne: On Match of the Day they said I have a "considerable backside" do you think I have a considerable backside?
MON: Well, it was a woeful first half and a bit better second, just a shame we couldn't hold the lead.
Sidwell: Sorry boss.
MON: No, no Steve don't apologise, I knew you were a flame haired psycho when I wrote your name on the team sheet, it's not your fault. Now Richard, we need to talk, you need to tone down your defending, just defend OUR goal from now on and we'll be more successful.
Cuellar: He cannae help himself man, he loves tha defendin'.
*MON looks at Cuellar's interpreter*
Interpreter: He can't help himself, he loves defending too much.
MON: I know Carlos, I know ...... Where is he?
*the dressing room falls silent as the players look to their left and right for Dunne*
Young: Can anyone else hear crying?
*the lads investigate the sobbing coming from the toilets to find Dunne looking over his shoulder at the mirror, tears streaming down his eyes*
MON: Good heavens, Richard? Are you alright?
Dunne: Yes boss [sniff!]
MON: Why are you ..... Crying?
Dunne: On Match of the Day they said I have a "considerable backside" do you think I have a considerable backside?
Thursday 22 October 2009
Match 9: Wolverhampton Wanderers
*The lads gather in the dressing room to discuss tactics for Wolves*
MON: OK lads, it's Wolves away. This is a massive club, steeped in history.
*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*
MON: Joking aside, don't underestimate them, even if they are rubbish.
*a shaking Delph raises his hand*
MON: Fabian?
Delph: Boss ... are they wolfmen? Stilyan said they're wolfmen and that if they bite me...
MON: No Fabian, they may bite you, they don't know any better but they're not wolfmen, there's no such thing.
Delph: What about Martin Keown and that man that was on Big Brother?
MON: they're not wolfmen .... Well Keown ... No, there's no such thing. Stilyan will you stop frightening young Delph.
Petrov: OK, sorry boss.
MON: Hang on a minute, are you dressed as a vampire!?
*Petrov unclips his cape and removes his plastic fangs and black wig*
Petrov: No boss, it's traditional bulgarian dress.
MON: Oh OK then, anyway... what was I saying?
Collins: You were going to select the team boss.
MON: Ah yes...
*MON selects the team based on form and position leaving only the right back position*
MON: and the right back is .....
*MON produces a silk bag and roots around in it pulling out a screwed up piece of paper and unravelling it*
MON: John Carew.
*MON points at Carew, Carew removes his headphones*
Carew: I won, I won! What's my prize?
*The lads queue waiting to hug MON in "the cuddle chair" before emerging on to the pitch*
Carew: Lads? Lads!? What did I win? ... In the draw?
MON: OK lads, it's Wolves away. This is a massive club, steeped in history.
*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*
MON: Joking aside, don't underestimate them, even if they are rubbish.
*a shaking Delph raises his hand*
MON: Fabian?
Delph: Boss ... are they wolfmen? Stilyan said they're wolfmen and that if they bite me...
MON: No Fabian, they may bite you, they don't know any better but they're not wolfmen, there's no such thing.
Delph: What about Martin Keown and that man that was on Big Brother?
MON: they're not wolfmen .... Well Keown ... No, there's no such thing. Stilyan will you stop frightening young Delph.
Petrov: OK, sorry boss.
MON: Hang on a minute, are you dressed as a vampire!?
*Petrov unclips his cape and removes his plastic fangs and black wig*
Petrov: No boss, it's traditional bulgarian dress.
MON: Oh OK then, anyway... what was I saying?
Collins: You were going to select the team boss.
MON: Ah yes...
*MON selects the team based on form and position leaving only the right back position*
MON: and the right back is .....
*MON produces a silk bag and roots around in it pulling out a screwed up piece of paper and unravelling it*
MON: John Carew.
*MON points at Carew, Carew removes his headphones*
Carew: I won, I won! What's my prize?
*The lads queue waiting to hug MON in "the cuddle chair" before emerging on to the pitch*
Carew: Lads? Lads!? What did I win? ... In the draw?
Wednesday 21 October 2009
Match 8: Post Chelsea
*We join the lads celebrating their victory over Chelsea. MON enters on his mobile phone*
MON: Hello? Claims Direct? Yes, I'd like to make a claim.
...
MON: Martin O'Neill, yes, THE Martin O'Neill.
...
MON: What do you mean you don't know who I am? I've won the european cup! I was magnificent.
...
MON: No, the European Cup, football, it's the old Champion's League.
...
MON: Nottingham Forest.
...
MON: What do you mean you've never heard of Nottingham Forest?!
...
MON: Yes, Robin Hood, but they also have a football team.
...
MON: Yes a little bit of gun crime perhaps, anyway my claim, I was cruelly slain in my prime by an ogre on Saturday afternoon.
...
MON: Yes ... well no I'm not dead obviously as I'm talking to you on the phone.
...
MON: Well I suppose it was a little over exaggeration, anyway the brute who assaulted me was Nicolas Anelka.
...
MON: Yes the Chelsea player ... Hang on he's not as famous as me! I've done Match of the Day Punditry I'll have you know!
...
MON: Injuries? I have a gaping wound on my elbow, it's hanging off they'll probably have to amputate, a swelling the size of your fist on my backside and nightmares, terrible nightmares ooh and whiplash.
...
MON: Thankyou I look forward to hearing from you.
*MON turns his attention to that lads*
MON: Right, Great win James and Richard.
*Dunne and Collins "high five" each other whilst the rest of the team look on with envy*
MON: As a matter of fact on the back of this victory I have drawn up a new team system for our match against Wolves.
*MON pulls a cover off a flipchart to reveal his new system, Carew raises his hand.*
MON: Yes John?
Carew: Boss there are only three players in that formation.
MON: Yes, John, yes there are. Collins and Dunne at the back with Young standing at the sideline waiting to take corners. I call it the 2-1 formation.
*Heskey Raises his hand*
MON: Emile?
Heskey: Won't we be at a huge disadvantage fielding three players against eleven?
MON: No.
*Milner raises his hand, MON nods to him*
Milner: what's that off the pitch? Is that a picture of you?
MON: Yes, I'm dancing because we have beaten Wolves so comfortably.
*MON demonstrates the dance he will do*
MON: Hello? Claims Direct? Yes, I'd like to make a claim.
...
MON: Martin O'Neill, yes, THE Martin O'Neill.
...
MON: What do you mean you don't know who I am? I've won the european cup! I was magnificent.
...
MON: No, the European Cup, football, it's the old Champion's League.
...
MON: Nottingham Forest.
...
MON: What do you mean you've never heard of Nottingham Forest?!
...
MON: Yes, Robin Hood, but they also have a football team.
...
MON: Yes a little bit of gun crime perhaps, anyway my claim, I was cruelly slain in my prime by an ogre on Saturday afternoon.
...
MON: Yes ... well no I'm not dead obviously as I'm talking to you on the phone.
...
MON: Well I suppose it was a little over exaggeration, anyway the brute who assaulted me was Nicolas Anelka.
...
MON: Yes the Chelsea player ... Hang on he's not as famous as me! I've done Match of the Day Punditry I'll have you know!
...
MON: Injuries? I have a gaping wound on my elbow, it's hanging off they'll probably have to amputate, a swelling the size of your fist on my backside and nightmares, terrible nightmares ooh and whiplash.
...
MON: Thankyou I look forward to hearing from you.
*MON turns his attention to that lads*
MON: Right, Great win James and Richard.
*Dunne and Collins "high five" each other whilst the rest of the team look on with envy*
MON: As a matter of fact on the back of this victory I have drawn up a new team system for our match against Wolves.
*MON pulls a cover off a flipchart to reveal his new system, Carew raises his hand.*
MON: Yes John?
Carew: Boss there are only three players in that formation.
MON: Yes, John, yes there are. Collins and Dunne at the back with Young standing at the sideline waiting to take corners. I call it the 2-1 formation.
*Heskey Raises his hand*
MON: Emile?
Heskey: Won't we be at a huge disadvantage fielding three players against eleven?
MON: No.
*Milner raises his hand, MON nods to him*
Milner: what's that off the pitch? Is that a picture of you?
MON: Yes, I'm dancing because we have beaten Wolves so comfortably.
*MON demonstrates the dance he will do*
Match 8: Chelsea
*We join the lads preparing for their Chelsea encounter*
MON: I don't know much about Ancelloti lads, what I do know is that he is foreign, and that mean's he's....
*MON turns his ear to the lads in a Bruce Forsyth fashion*
All the lads: Trouble!
*Ashley Young raises his hand*
MON: Ashley?
Young: I've been thinking and ... and maybe foreigners aren't all trouble.
*The lads all gasp*
MON: What!?
Young: Yeah I mean look at Brad Guzan and Friedel, they're foreign and they're not trouble.
MON: The Brads are American you can't get much closer to british than that. I mean look at Guzan, he's literally wearing bowler hat.
*Guzan tips his bowler hat*
MON: and Friedel's wearing a knotted handkerchief and fake moustache like a holidaying brit of old.
*Friedel adjust the straps on his red and white striped swim suit*
MON: So Ashley, tell me, who are these foreigners you say are not trouble?
*Young scours the room for foriegn players*
Young: Aha! Carlos Cuellar, he's from Spain, he's spanish.
MON: I think you'll find he's Scottish.
Young: What?
MON: Have you ever seen him play for this "Spain"?
Young: No but...
MON: But what Ashley? But what?
Young: Well ... He's never played for Scotland.
MON: No scottish players play for Scotland!
*Young looks again*
Young: Well there's Big John Carew he's ... Well ... he's not that much .... erm.
*Ashley bows his head the dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: So that's that then we're agreed. Now, it's almost time for kick off so start the song.
*The lads look at each other uncomfortably*
MON: I said sing it!
All The lads: Rule, Britannia
MON: Louder!
All The lads: Britannia rules the waves! ...
MON: I don't know much about Ancelloti lads, what I do know is that he is foreign, and that mean's he's....
*MON turns his ear to the lads in a Bruce Forsyth fashion*
All the lads: Trouble!
*Ashley Young raises his hand*
MON: Ashley?
Young: I've been thinking and ... and maybe foreigners aren't all trouble.
*The lads all gasp*
MON: What!?
Young: Yeah I mean look at Brad Guzan and Friedel, they're foreign and they're not trouble.
MON: The Brads are American you can't get much closer to british than that. I mean look at Guzan, he's literally wearing bowler hat.
*Guzan tips his bowler hat*
MON: and Friedel's wearing a knotted handkerchief and fake moustache like a holidaying brit of old.
*Friedel adjust the straps on his red and white striped swim suit*
MON: So Ashley, tell me, who are these foreigners you say are not trouble?
*Young scours the room for foriegn players*
Young: Aha! Carlos Cuellar, he's from Spain, he's spanish.
MON: I think you'll find he's Scottish.
Young: What?
MON: Have you ever seen him play for this "Spain"?
Young: No but...
MON: But what Ashley? But what?
Young: Well ... He's never played for Scotland.
MON: No scottish players play for Scotland!
*Young looks again*
Young: Well there's Big John Carew he's ... Well ... he's not that much .... erm.
*Ashley bows his head the dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: So that's that then we're agreed. Now, it's almost time for kick off so start the song.
*The lads look at each other uncomfortably*
MON: I said sing it!
All The lads: Rule, Britannia
MON: Louder!
All The lads: Britannia rules the waves! ...
Monday 12 October 2009
Goodnight Sweetheart
*MON storms into his office where Stilyan Petrov and Emile Heskey are eating bowls of Sugar Puffs*
MON: What the hell is this!?
*MON slams a paper on the table in front of Heskey*
MON: You're going to leave me? And I find out through the papers?!
Heskey: Boss I...
MON: Who do you think you are? Jude Law?
Heskey: Look boss they've taken it out of context....
MON: What next? Have you got a child with someone else!?
Heskey: Boss! It's not like we're in a relationship.
MON: What's wrong with you players? Of course it's a relationship, this contract *MON waves Heskey's contract* is like a marriage between man and club.
Heskey: I think you're being a bit ....
MON: A bit what Emile? A bit what?! Players today, in my day we would proudly wear the club's kit like a wedding dress, parade about in it we would, got married in my full Nottingham Forest kit I did. Everyday was the best day of your life. Nowadays it's all illegimate love-ins with the press.
Heskey: Now come on!
MON: You come on! I take you in, let you eat my Sugar Puffs. As a matter of fact give me those Sugar Puffs.
*MON snatches the bowl from Emile*
MON: They're my Sugar Puffs, Emile. Mine!
Heskey: Now you're just being childish boss.
MON: Childish!? Would a child do this?
*MON raises his hands to either side of his head like ears and brays like a donkey*
MON: Eyore! Eyore!
Heskey: What? What is this? Are you calling me a donkey?
MON: Yes Emile a donkey! YOU are a donkey! Now what am I?
*MON lies still on the ground, Petrov chimes in*
Petrov: Ooh, boss I don't know, what are you?
MON: I'm Emile "holding up the ball"
*Petrov bursts out laughing*
Petrov: It is funny because Emile is always falling over when he is getting the ball.
Heskey: You monster!
*Heskey flees from the office using his forearm to hide his tearful eyes*
MON: What the hell is this!?
*MON slams a paper on the table in front of Heskey*
MON: You're going to leave me? And I find out through the papers?!
Heskey: Boss I...
MON: Who do you think you are? Jude Law?
Heskey: Look boss they've taken it out of context....
MON: What next? Have you got a child with someone else!?
Heskey: Boss! It's not like we're in a relationship.
MON: What's wrong with you players? Of course it's a relationship, this contract *MON waves Heskey's contract* is like a marriage between man and club.
Heskey: I think you're being a bit ....
MON: A bit what Emile? A bit what?! Players today, in my day we would proudly wear the club's kit like a wedding dress, parade about in it we would, got married in my full Nottingham Forest kit I did. Everyday was the best day of your life. Nowadays it's all illegimate love-ins with the press.
Heskey: Now come on!
MON: You come on! I take you in, let you eat my Sugar Puffs. As a matter of fact give me those Sugar Puffs.
*MON snatches the bowl from Emile*
MON: They're my Sugar Puffs, Emile. Mine!
Heskey: Now you're just being childish boss.
MON: Childish!? Would a child do this?
*MON raises his hands to either side of his head like ears and brays like a donkey*
MON: Eyore! Eyore!
Heskey: What? What is this? Are you calling me a donkey?
MON: Yes Emile a donkey! YOU are a donkey! Now what am I?
*MON lies still on the ground, Petrov chimes in*
Petrov: Ooh, boss I don't know, what are you?
MON: I'm Emile "holding up the ball"
*Petrov bursts out laughing*
Petrov: It is funny because Emile is always falling over when he is getting the ball.
Heskey: You monster!
*Heskey flees from the office using his forearm to hide his tearful eyes*
Match 7: Post Man City
*There's excited chatter in the Dressing Room as MON strolls around removing the Barry dartboard from the wall and the Barry face sticker from the punching bag*
MON: Calm down lads calm down, so we drew a great game which is OK I guess, it's not quite winning but it's better than losing.
*Gabby looks confused at the concept*
MON: Collins? Collins? James?
Collins: Yes boss?
MON: You're a ginger king James, a ginger king! Come, let me kiss your ginger crown your majesty.
*MON kisses Collins on the head*
MON: You were literally a lion out there, a balding, ginger lion.
Collins: Thanks boss.
MON: Dunney!?
*MON "play boxes" Dunne's shoulder a few times*
Dunne: bass?
MON: You were great out there tonight, weren't 'cha?
Dunne: aye bass
MON: weren't 'cha?
Dunne: aye bass
MON: weren't 'cha?
Dunne: Well I tried y'now.
MON: Carlos!
*MON tussles Cuellar's curly locks*
MON: I do believe my search for a right back replacement is over my son.
*The lads all cheer*
MON: Finally Emile, Emile what words can be used to describe your performance ....
*MON thumbs his pocket thesaurus*
MON: Stupefying! In fact best man on the pitch from start to finish by far.
Heskey: Thanks boss.
Gabby: But boss he came on as a sub and to be quite frank he was ...
MON: Shhh Gabby Shhh you scored no goals you have no say.
Gabby: But Heskey didn't score any goals and...
MON: There's more to football than scoring goals Gabriel.
Gabby: But you just said....
MON: Look, Emile was the difference out there he came on and changed the game.
Gabby: But he didn't do anything
MON: Didn't he Gabriel? Didn't he?
Gabby: No.
MON: Didn't he?
Gabby: No!
MON: Enough of this, everyone knows Emile offers another dimension.
Carew: Yeah a parellel dimension where strikers don't score goals.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: John, Gabriel I've warned you, are you looking for contretemps?!
Gabby: I don't use any boss, it's how I keep getting in trouble.
Carew: Really boss? I mean can you sort it out? I mean that would save me loads of....
MON: What? Not condoms or contraband, contretemps! I say contretemps! .... What? Where have they gone?
*Carew and Gabby arrive at the Rocket Club with wallets full of "Barry bucks"*
Carew: Thank you Mr.Barry.
MON: Calm down lads calm down, so we drew a great game which is OK I guess, it's not quite winning but it's better than losing.
*Gabby looks confused at the concept*
MON: Collins? Collins? James?
Collins: Yes boss?
MON: You're a ginger king James, a ginger king! Come, let me kiss your ginger crown your majesty.
*MON kisses Collins on the head*
MON: You were literally a lion out there, a balding, ginger lion.
Collins: Thanks boss.
MON: Dunney!?
*MON "play boxes" Dunne's shoulder a few times*
Dunne: bass?
MON: You were great out there tonight, weren't 'cha?
Dunne: aye bass
MON: weren't 'cha?
Dunne: aye bass
MON: weren't 'cha?
Dunne: Well I tried y'now.
MON: Carlos!
*MON tussles Cuellar's curly locks*
MON: I do believe my search for a right back replacement is over my son.
*The lads all cheer*
MON: Finally Emile, Emile what words can be used to describe your performance ....
*MON thumbs his pocket thesaurus*
MON: Stupefying! In fact best man on the pitch from start to finish by far.
Heskey: Thanks boss.
Gabby: But boss he came on as a sub and to be quite frank he was ...
MON: Shhh Gabby Shhh you scored no goals you have no say.
Gabby: But Heskey didn't score any goals and...
MON: There's more to football than scoring goals Gabriel.
Gabby: But you just said....
MON: Look, Emile was the difference out there he came on and changed the game.
Gabby: But he didn't do anything
MON: Didn't he Gabriel? Didn't he?
Gabby: No.
MON: Didn't he?
Gabby: No!
MON: Enough of this, everyone knows Emile offers another dimension.
Carew: Yeah a parellel dimension where strikers don't score goals.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: John, Gabriel I've warned you, are you looking for contretemps?!
Gabby: I don't use any boss, it's how I keep getting in trouble.
Carew: Really boss? I mean can you sort it out? I mean that would save me loads of....
MON: What? Not condoms or contraband, contretemps! I say contretemps! .... What? Where have they gone?
*Carew and Gabby arrive at the Rocket Club with wallets full of "Barry bucks"*
Carew: Thank you Mr.Barry.
Plane to Ukraine
*We join an excited Gabby sitting next to James Milner on the plane to the Ukraine.*
Gabby: So who's we playin' then lads?
Milner: Ukraine.
Gabby: No need for insults Jim, I just don't know who we're playing.
Milner: We're playing Ukraine.
Gabby: I know we're playing but who? And please I'm sensitive.
Milner: No not You-Crane, Ukraine, thats the team man.
Gabby: Oh....
*Gabby looks scared*
Milner: Gabby?
Gabby: Yeah?
Milner: What's wrong like?
Gabby: Are they like JCBs?
Milner: Noor, Gabby how could JCBs play football man?
Gabby: well in Bob the Builder they ....
Milner: Gabby, Bob the Builder's not real.
*Gabby's world looks shattered*
Gabby: and Transformers?
Milner: Noor, Look a fair few years ago tha Soviet Union broke up ...
Gabby: Like Katie and Peter.
Milner: Kind of but there was less media coverage. Anywee they split into several meaningless countries with odd, forgettable names.
Gabby: Will they make a comeback tour, like Take That?
Milner: What? Comeba...They're countries man!
Gabby: So not JCBs
Milner: Noor!
Gabby: But they play football.
Milner: Yes.
Gabby: Jim?
Milner: Yes?
Gabby: Will Gary Barlow be playing for them? I like Gary Barlow.
Milner: (sigh)
Gabby: So who's we playin' then lads?
Milner: Ukraine.
Gabby: No need for insults Jim, I just don't know who we're playing.
Milner: We're playing Ukraine.
Gabby: I know we're playing but who? And please I'm sensitive.
Milner: No not You-Crane, Ukraine, thats the team man.
Gabby: Oh....
*Gabby looks scared*
Milner: Gabby?
Gabby: Yeah?
Milner: What's wrong like?
Gabby: Are they like JCBs?
Milner: Noor, Gabby how could JCBs play football man?
Gabby: well in Bob the Builder they ....
Milner: Gabby, Bob the Builder's not real.
*Gabby's world looks shattered*
Gabby: and Transformers?
Milner: Noor, Look a fair few years ago tha Soviet Union broke up ...
Gabby: Like Katie and Peter.
Milner: Kind of but there was less media coverage. Anywee they split into several meaningless countries with odd, forgettable names.
Gabby: Will they make a comeback tour, like Take That?
Milner: What? Comeba...They're countries man!
Gabby: So not JCBs
Milner: Noor!
Gabby: But they play football.
Milner: Yes.
Gabby: Jim?
Milner: Yes?
Gabby: Will Gary Barlow be playing for them? I like Gary Barlow.
Milner: (sigh)
Monday 5 October 2009
Match 7: Manchester City
*We join the lads gearing up for their Monday night clash with Man City*
MON: So, Man City, this'll see the return of Gareth so I'll be expecting ...
Dunne: Us to kick him ta death bass?
MON: What!? Heavens no, I was going to say.....
Dunne: Right, plausible deniablity bass, gotcha.
*Dunne taps his nose and points at MON*
MON: What? Why are you tapping your nose and pointing to me like that? I honestly mean....
Dunne: Gotcha bass, honest as the day is long ya are bass, no involvement in the kicking.
*Dunne points at MON with both fingers tapping his thumbs like pistol hammers and winking*
MON: What's with the "hand guns" and winking? Look don't just go out there and kick the lad.
Dunne: Right ya are bass, ya never know who's watchin' with tha cameras about today and what not.
*Dunne sticks a thumb up keeping his hand below his waist and motioning to the thumb with his head*
MON: So no kicking Gareth Barry then, we're agreed?
Dunne: 'COURSE NOT BASS! WON'T TOUCH THE LAD!
*Dunne looks around with a large fake grin, turns to MON and nods*
MON: Wait why are you talking like that? Is that nod agreeing you won't touch him?
Dunne: Oh Aye there'll be no kicking to be seen.
Voice over the tannoy: ***Can the club managers please make their way to the dugout***
MON: Right, got to go, good luck lads, Stilyan, captain's speech.
*MON Leaves the dressing room, Petrov stands, Dunne pushes Petrov back into his seat.*
Dunne: I'll take this one Stanny boy. Right lads ya heard tha bass, kick lumps out of Gareth Barry!
Collins: I don't know, it didn't sound like the boss said that, Barry seems a nice enough guy too, I met him at a charity thing once and ......Ow! Richard! Did you just ... Bite me?
Dunne: Yes, yes I did.
*The lads look fearfully at Dunne who now has a crazed look in his eye*
Dunne: Now, Who we gonna kick!?
All the Lads: Gareth Barry!
Dunne: When we gonna kick 'im!?
All the Lads: Now!
MON: So, Man City, this'll see the return of Gareth so I'll be expecting ...
Dunne: Us to kick him ta death bass?
MON: What!? Heavens no, I was going to say.....
Dunne: Right, plausible deniablity bass, gotcha.
*Dunne taps his nose and points at MON*
MON: What? Why are you tapping your nose and pointing to me like that? I honestly mean....
Dunne: Gotcha bass, honest as the day is long ya are bass, no involvement in the kicking.
*Dunne points at MON with both fingers tapping his thumbs like pistol hammers and winking*
MON: What's with the "hand guns" and winking? Look don't just go out there and kick the lad.
Dunne: Right ya are bass, ya never know who's watchin' with tha cameras about today and what not.
*Dunne sticks a thumb up keeping his hand below his waist and motioning to the thumb with his head*
MON: So no kicking Gareth Barry then, we're agreed?
Dunne: 'COURSE NOT BASS! WON'T TOUCH THE LAD!
*Dunne looks around with a large fake grin, turns to MON and nods*
MON: Wait why are you talking like that? Is that nod agreeing you won't touch him?
Dunne: Oh Aye there'll be no kicking to be seen.
Voice over the tannoy: ***Can the club managers please make their way to the dugout***
MON: Right, got to go, good luck lads, Stilyan, captain's speech.
*MON Leaves the dressing room, Petrov stands, Dunne pushes Petrov back into his seat.*
Dunne: I'll take this one Stanny boy. Right lads ya heard tha bass, kick lumps out of Gareth Barry!
Collins: I don't know, it didn't sound like the boss said that, Barry seems a nice enough guy too, I met him at a charity thing once and ......Ow! Richard! Did you just ... Bite me?
Dunne: Yes, yes I did.
*The lads look fearfully at Dunne who now has a crazed look in his eye*
Dunne: Now, Who we gonna kick!?
All the Lads: Gareth Barry!
Dunne: When we gonna kick 'im!?
All the Lads: Now!
Investment
*Randy Lerner walks into a palacial room with an arabian billionaire behind a massive desk*
Lerner: Hi there good buddy. I was wondering if you'd like to inves...
Billionaire: Ah! Mr.Lerner. If you are wanting money, you know what you must do.
Lerner: Well I was kinda hoping that I wouldn't have to do...
Billionaire: Ishmael! Bring me the "Begging CD"!
*a servant drags in a large "boom box"*
Billionaire: On the desk Mr.Lerner.
*Randy climbs on the desk rolling his eyes and sighing, the billionaire presses play on the boom box, it blasts The Adventure of Stevie V's "Dirty Cash"
#Money talks, money talks....#
Billionaire: Now dance Randy! Dance!
*Randy does the running man*
#Dirty cash I want you, dirty cash I need you oooooh#
Billionaire: Where is the passion Randy!? I said dance! Dance like you've never danced before!
*Randy is holding one of his ankles and tugging it backwards before putting his hands on his hips and gyrating with gusto*
Billionaire: and you, little man, join him!
*MON climbs on the table, Randy and MON re-enact the "Kid n' Play" dance steps*
Billionaire: I like it! I like it, but I shall not invest.
*The billionaire presses stop, Randy climbs down from the table. MON is still shuffling to the groovy sound of Stevie V"
MON: #Dirty cash I want ....#
Lerner: Marty!
MON: Oh sorry boss.
Billionaire: Yes, I'm afraid Mr.Lerner I have no money really it is all a facade much like the owner of your Portsmouth and your dragon, Deborah Meaden. I am but a N-Power salesmen ... You want N-Power?
Lerner: No thanks I just switched.
Billionaire: and you?
MON: I'm already with N-Power, sorry.
Lerner: Hi there good buddy. I was wondering if you'd like to inves...
Billionaire: Ah! Mr.Lerner. If you are wanting money, you know what you must do.
Lerner: Well I was kinda hoping that I wouldn't have to do...
Billionaire: Ishmael! Bring me the "Begging CD"!
*a servant drags in a large "boom box"*
Billionaire: On the desk Mr.Lerner.
*Randy climbs on the desk rolling his eyes and sighing, the billionaire presses play on the boom box, it blasts The Adventure of Stevie V's "Dirty Cash"
#Money talks, money talks....#
Billionaire: Now dance Randy! Dance!
*Randy does the running man*
#Dirty cash I want you, dirty cash I need you oooooh#
Billionaire: Where is the passion Randy!? I said dance! Dance like you've never danced before!
*Randy is holding one of his ankles and tugging it backwards before putting his hands on his hips and gyrating with gusto*
Billionaire: and you, little man, join him!
*MON climbs on the table, Randy and MON re-enact the "Kid n' Play" dance steps*
Billionaire: I like it! I like it, but I shall not invest.
*The billionaire presses stop, Randy climbs down from the table. MON is still shuffling to the groovy sound of Stevie V"
MON: #Dirty cash I want ....#
Lerner: Marty!
MON: Oh sorry boss.
Billionaire: Yes, I'm afraid Mr.Lerner I have no money really it is all a facade much like the owner of your Portsmouth and your dragon, Deborah Meaden. I am but a N-Power salesmen ... You want N-Power?
Lerner: No thanks I just switched.
Billionaire: and you?
MON: I'm already with N-Power, sorry.
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