Match 14: Tottenham Hotspurs

*We join the lads in the dressing room, they are visibly fearful, MON enters*

MON: OK lads, I see you're a little frightened of Tottenham, but I have been in talks with our sports therapists and we shall be adopting the "exposure therapy method". Do we all know what exposure therapy is?

*Ashley Young raises a shaking hand*

MON: Ashley?

AYoung: Is it when you get a hotel room and a laptop and...

MON: No! No it's not Ashley, that's something quite different

*Fabian Delph raises a shaking hand*

MON: Fabian?

Delph: Is that where you're forced to confront your fears boss?

MON: It is, Fabian well done, have a sticker.

*MON sticks an Aston Villa "Baby on Board" car sticker on Delph's chest, Delph looks proud*

Delph: Yay!

MON: So without further ado .....

*Mon whips out and dons a latex mask, the villa players shriek with horror, Carew leaps into NRC's arms like Scooby-Doo to Shaggy*

NRC (peeping over Carew): Who !?!? What is it!?

MON (muffled): I'm Jermaine Defoe!

*Delph screams again, Collins (the only man who has shown no fear) raises his hand*

MON (muffled): Yes James?

Collins: Boss is that not a rubber Freddy Kruger mask with the odd pointed tooth coloured gold?

MON (muffled): Well .... yes.

Young: Wow, it's uncanny.

MON (muffled): Yes, so the rest of your team talk will be delivered by me - Jermain Defoe and .... "Aaron" come on in!

(from outside the door) Robertson: I'm not comfortable with this Martin.

MON (muffled): Pah! Stop moaning, come on in!

*Robertson enters, he's wearing the alarmingly figure hugging Spurs home shirt and an Aaron Lennon mask which is a picture of Lennon's face with his eyes cut out held to Robertson's face by a knotted elastic band.*

*Delph screams once more*

MON: Now come on Aaron, run around!

*"Lennon" runs laps around the perimeter of the dressing room, MON begins to prance about at the front"

MON (muffled): I'm Jermaine Defoe and I'm going to score five past you, you're rubbish!

*Carlos Cuellar stands silently, approaches "Defoe" and scythes him to the ground with a trademark excessively violent "challenge"*

MON (muffled, groggy and rolling in agony): That's the spirit!