Eng-er-land

We join our nation's finest players in their Kazakhstan hotel lobby ...

*John Terry sits next to a nervous Gary Cahill*

Terry: You OK mate? Welcome to the squad, want me to give you some tips from my experience?

*Cahill timidly nods pulling out a notepad and pen*

Terry: You've got to hold and give

*Cahill scribbles down*

Terry: But do it at the right time

Cahill: Right time, right gotcha

Terry: You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line

Cahill: Get to the line ... hang on what line?

Terry: They'll try to hit you ...

Cahill: Wait, wait what line? .... Hit me?

Terry (nodding): and hurt you, defend and attack....

.....

*Gareth Barry and Steve Gerrard are in heated exchange*

Barry: But you said I move you move!

Gerrard: Errrm

Barry: Don't give me that, you said if I take the jump you'll do your best to come.

Gerrard: Eeeeerrrm

Barry: What do you mean!? We both knew that it'd be difficult.

Gerrard: Errrm

Barry: Merseyside is your home you don't think you'll ever leave!?

Gerrard: Eeeerrm

Barry: It's too late for your sorries now Stevie!

Gerrard: Eeeeeerm

Barry: No an "open letter" of apology would not make me feel better!

.....

Carson: So who do you think's better Gerrard or Lampard?

SWP: Christ not this again Carson, you're so boring.

Lampard: Lampard!

Walcott: I think Gerrard actually he's a bit more versatile and ...

*Lampard cuts Walcott a deathly stare*

Walcott: Did I say Gerrard? I meant Lampard, y'know that Gerrard's a Jack of all trades master of none and all that.

.....

*Beckham returns to the group*

Beckham: It's well odd here, the toilets don't have seats.

*Everyone turns to Glen Johnson*

Johnson: What? ... It was one time!

......

*Fabio Cappello marches into the lobby*

Cappello: Good morning England

Whole team (robotically): Good morn-ing Mr Cap-ello

*Cappello presents the register*

Cappello: Beckham?

Beckham: Yes sir.

Cappello: Cahill?

Cahill: Yes sir.

Cappello: Carson?

Carson: Here sir.

Cappello: Cole? ..... Cole? ..... Cole? .....Where is this Ashley Cole?

Neville: He's sitting on the phone sir.

Cappello: Sitting on phone? Mio dio! The papparazzo they will have field day!

Neville: sitting TALKING on his phone sir.

*Cappello mops his brow with a handkerchief*

Cappello: Oh, you scare me ugly man.

Neville: Sorry sir.