Match 25: Manchester United

We join the lads preparing for their match against Man Utd, MON wheels in a school style TV stand with a large TV and VCR into the dressing room*

MON: Right lads I want us to keep up momentum and give Man United a hiding.

A.Young: A nil-nil hiding?

MON: Yes. I'm already tired of Sir Alex's mind games, since the weekend he's beat me at Boggle, Scattegories and Taboo! Anyway, Emile, you will be spearheading the attack.

Heskey: But boss, I'm injured, I can barely stand.

MON: I thought you'd say that so I've brought an inspirational video with me.

*MON slides the video cassette out of it's card sleeve, posts it into the VCR and presses play*

Heskey: I can't see how an "inspirational" video is going to ....

MON (repeatedly pointing to the TV screen): Shhhhhhh.

*It's Dancing on Ice, Heather Mills is skating poorly around the rink, as it comes to an end a tear is rolling down MON's cheek*

MON: Look at her, the people's princess. Emile how do you feel now?

Heskey: Injured.

MON: Emile, how many legs have you got?

Heskey: Two .... but I think ....

MON: That's right. Two! And here you are complaining.

Heskey: But.... I mean .....

MON: Emile. William. Ivanhoe. Heskey. I want you go out there and do what she does.

Sidwell: You want him to dance on ice boss?

*The Dressing Room is filled with chuckles*

MON: I want him to dance on the pitch!

*MON holds up a claret and blue leotard it's plastered with rindstones*

Heskey: Boss I'm too injured to play and that leotard is at least two sizes too small for me.

*A voice chimes in the background*

Voice: I shall have this dance boss, hand me the leotard!

*The lads all turn to the voice with interest, Nathan Delfouneso is standing proudly with his hands on his hips*

MON: I think not Nathan, for this kind of match we don't need an out-and-out goal scorer. John, you're up.

Carew: Awesome! I love Villa boss and I'll show them how much by doing nothing.

MON: Nothing!?

Carew: It's a norwegian custom.

MON: I don't think it is a norwegian custom John.

Carew: Are you norwegian boss?

MON: No, but ...

Carew: Are you norwegian?

MON: No

Carew: Just hand me the leotard!