Knightmare

Those unfamiliar with "Knightmare" or wanting to indulge in nostalgia should visit here first:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U2...

Treguard: Enter .... Stranger

*MON, Zat Knight and Steve Sidwell stroll confused into the stonewalled room*

Sidwell: I'm not so sure this is Malaga boss?

Treguard: Welcome noble three, what be what your kinship call thee?

Knight (whispering): Who's that? He smells like whisky and cat pee.

MON: I don't know Zatiyah. Hello sir, I'm Martin O'Neill, this is Steve Sidwell and Zat Knight we're from Aston V....

Treguard: Ah so you be the Knight brave sir?! Don this helmet

*Treguard thrusts an oversized, horned helmet at Zat*

Knight: No way, it stinks for a start and ....

*Treguard draws a sword and points it shaking at Zat's adam's apple*

Knight: OK, OK calm down.

*Zat puts on the helmet*

Knight: I can't see a thing

*Treguard pushes Zat through a large pair of self closing doors with his velvet boot before turning to MON and Sidwell*

Treguard: now daring duo cast your eye on your companion and guide him through the mystical glass portal.

Sidwell: You mean tell 'im what to do through this telly?

Treguard: Aye !

*They all look at the screen*

MON: OK Zat you're in a room with loads of holes in the floor and a door at the other end so listen carefully to where Steve leads you.

Knight: OK boss.

Sidwell: Right Zat, take two steps to the left.

*Zat takes two steps to the right*

Sidwell: I said to the left!

*Zat takes another two steps to the right*

Sidwell: I said ****in' left!

*Zat turns to the right*

....later.....

Zat Knight has successfully navigated a room full of pitfalls

*the lads are celebrating*

MON: OK Zat you've entered another room there's a big apple.

Knight: Right? Anything else

Sidwell: it's in front of a spider

Knight (screeching): A spider!?!? Big one!? Small one!?

Sidwell: It's about ten foot.

Knight: What the ****?!

*Zat runs panic stricken into a wall*

Sidwell: Zat we're probably going to need the apple

Knight: **** the apple Sidders. I can't see you in here with a ten foot spider.

Sidwell: It doesn't even look interested in you, I get the impression it's a resized recording of a tarantula minding it's own business

Knight: Where's the door?

sidwell: but the apple...

Knight: DOOR!

Sidwell: (sigh!) 3 steps to the right then straight ahead.

*Zat enters the next room*

MON: You're in a room with a camp looking jester and a big locked door

Jester: Forsooth! Riddle you me, riddle me you, give me the apple and I'll let you through.

Sidwell: What did I say about the apple Zat?!

Knight: Whatever!

Jester: Riddle me you, riddle you me, bring me the apple and ye shall have the key.

Knight: I'm not going near that spider, where's the jester?

MON: About four steps forward and one to the right.

*Zat follows MON's instructions*

Knight: How tall is he?

MON: About 5'8 maybe 5'9, why?

*Zat attacks the jester with a succession of well aimed uppercut punches delivered with the style and speed of a professional boxer rather than a professional footballer. and proceeds to search him for the key*

Knight: I've got the key, lets go.