We join a press gang awaiting an "urgent" conference called by MON.
Press #1: I hear he's got a big message for the fans.
Press #2: Yeah, that's what I heard, what do you think? Big name signing?
Press #1: Yeah, it's gotta be .... My money's on Owen, or maybe that Defour bloke.
Press #3: He's probably just telling us who he's NOT signing ... Again.
*The press comes to a hush as smoke from a fog machine clouds behind the conference stage and Metallica's "Enter the Sandman plays*
Press #2: How exciting ... It's got to be a signing.
Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!
*MON, Isaiah Osbourne, Moustapha Salifou and John Robertson emerge from the smoke wearing matching claret and blue suits and take seats at the stage*
MON: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I've called you all here as I have an important announcment to make to the fans.
Press #2: Signing I'm telling you
Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!
*MON pulls out a sheet of paper and adjusts his glasses*
MON: Just have a little patience, I'm still hurting from a love I lost.
Press #2: Eh?
Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!
MON: I'm feeling your frustration. Any minute all the pain will stop.
Press #2: So is he unveiling a signing or ..
Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!
MON: Just hold me close inside your arms tonight, *Salifou wraps an arm around MON* don't be too hard on my emotions.
Osbourne, Salifou & JR: 'Cause IIIIIIIII!
MON: need
Osbourne, Salifou & JR: Tiiiiiiiiiiime
MON: My heart is numb, has no feeling, so while I'm still healing
Just
Osbourne, Salifou & JR: Trrrrrrrryyyy
MON: and have a little patience.
*The press gang scratch their heads*
Press #2: *claps solitarily* Yeaaaah, wooooooo !!!
MON: That is all, Thanks for coming.
*The Villa lads leave the stage whilst the press gang sit in stunned silence.*
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Hacks!
We join MON finally returning from his Jamaican holiday, his car pulls up outside his office and he emerges
MON: Pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side, pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side, it agga bun ... WHAT!?!
*MON's tuneful rendition is rudely interrupted by hoardes of journalists and Papparazzi. Journo #1 thrusts a microphone towards MON*
Journo #1: Martin, The Sun here, Nice tan..
MON: Why thank you I did ...
Journo #1: Pass to the left-sided dutchman? Arjen Robben or Royston Drenth?
MON: Roy who? I was singing Musical Youth's "Pass the...
Journo #1: Right got the headline "Royston Villa" oooh or "Royston of the Rovers"
MON: Wait I didn't say I was interested and the rovers one doesn't make any....
*Journo #2 thrusts a microphone in towards MON*
Journo #2: Hello Martin, Daily Express here, nice rastafarian hat.
MON: Well I had my hair braided with extensions and...
Journo #2: You're not planning on signing foreigners are you Martin? Ruining our country they are.
MON: What I ....
*Journo #3 thrusts a microphone in towards MON*
Journo #3: alright Martin, Daily Star.
MON: Hi I..
*Journo #3 Unfolds a double page poster of a topless glamour girl*
Journo #3: Check out the norks on that!
MON: Er.... Very nice ... Any football related questions?
Journo #3: Nah, we'll just copy The Sun
Journo #1: Hey!
*Harry Redknapp thrusts a microphone in towards MON*
Redknapp: 'Arry Redknapp, Tottenham Hotspurs
MON: Harry, I know who you are, why are you outside with the media lot? Why do you have a microphone?
Redknapp: The Bentler, the Hudd and Jenny what's your best price?
Journo #4: Hi Mart, Daily Sport here.
MON: Right?
Journo #4: BOOBS!!!!
MON: That's it I'm going to my office!
MON: Pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side, pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side, it agga bun ... WHAT!?!
*MON's tuneful rendition is rudely interrupted by hoardes of journalists and Papparazzi. Journo #1 thrusts a microphone towards MON*
Journo #1: Martin, The Sun here, Nice tan..
MON: Why thank you I did ...
Journo #1: Pass to the left-sided dutchman? Arjen Robben or Royston Drenth?
MON: Roy who? I was singing Musical Youth's "Pass the...
Journo #1: Right got the headline "Royston Villa" oooh or "Royston of the Rovers"
MON: Wait I didn't say I was interested and the rovers one doesn't make any....
*Journo #2 thrusts a microphone in towards MON*
Journo #2: Hello Martin, Daily Express here, nice rastafarian hat.
MON: Well I had my hair braided with extensions and...
Journo #2: You're not planning on signing foreigners are you Martin? Ruining our country they are.
MON: What I ....
*Journo #3 thrusts a microphone in towards MON*
Journo #3: alright Martin, Daily Star.
MON: Hi I..
*Journo #3 Unfolds a double page poster of a topless glamour girl*
Journo #3: Check out the norks on that!
MON: Er.... Very nice ... Any football related questions?
Journo #3: Nah, we'll just copy The Sun
Journo #1: Hey!
*Harry Redknapp thrusts a microphone in towards MON*
Redknapp: 'Arry Redknapp, Tottenham Hotspurs
MON: Harry, I know who you are, why are you outside with the media lot? Why do you have a microphone?
Redknapp: The Bentler, the Hudd and Jenny what's your best price?
Journo #4: Hi Mart, Daily Sport here.
MON: Right?
Journo #4: BOOBS!!!!
MON: That's it I'm going to my office!
'Aribo
We join MON returning to his office after an enthralling game of bridge with Alex Higgins.
*MON opens his door to find Aaron Lennon running laps in his office*
Lennon: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!
MON: Harry, what're you doing here? And why are you wearing a sheepskin coat it must be 25 degrees?
Redknapp: Maaaartin! *puts his arm around MON* First things first, can I interest you in a job lot of sunglasses?
*Harry points to a large box on MON's desk*
MON: No thanks Harry .... hey they all have one lens missing.
Redknapp: Yeah .... They're gonna be all the rage with the kids.
*Lennon stops running and jogs on the spot*
Lennon: Is Gabby home Mr.Martin? Is Gabby home? Does he want to race?
MON: No lad, he's not.
*Lennon pouts and begins running in circles again.*
Lennon: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!
MON: Harry have you perhaps thought of letting Aaron have a diet of something other than Haribo Starmix?
Harry: Look in my day footballers ate what they want, I once stood in a field in full 'ammers kit chewing a cow's leg with a pint of bitter and ....
MON: What's Jamie doing!?
Harry: He's playing tennis on the Wii
*Jamie Redknapp frantically swings and grunts in the corner*
MON : But I don't have a Wii? There's not even a TV in my office .... Anyway why are you here?
Harry: Sunglasses?
MON: No!
Harry: Bentley?
MON: Bentley? No
Harry: Sunglasses?
MON: No!
Harry: Bentley?
MON: Fine! I'll take Bentley!
Harry: Smashin' he'll be at your gaffe with a bow on, July 1st.
*MON sighs*
Harry: Come on Jamie, come on Aaron, we've got deals to wheel.
*Harry,Jamie and Aaron leave MON's office*
MON: Ah well, when has a Spurs signing ever let me down?
*Isaiah Osbourne sticks his head around the office door*
Osbourne: Hi boss checkout my cool new sunglasses.
*MON sighs*
*MON opens his door to find Aaron Lennon running laps in his office*
Lennon: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!
MON: Harry, what're you doing here? And why are you wearing a sheepskin coat it must be 25 degrees?
Redknapp: Maaaartin! *puts his arm around MON* First things first, can I interest you in a job lot of sunglasses?
*Harry points to a large box on MON's desk*
MON: No thanks Harry .... hey they all have one lens missing.
Redknapp: Yeah .... They're gonna be all the rage with the kids.
*Lennon stops running and jogs on the spot*
Lennon: Is Gabby home Mr.Martin? Is Gabby home? Does he want to race?
MON: No lad, he's not.
*Lennon pouts and begins running in circles again.*
Lennon: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!
MON: Harry have you perhaps thought of letting Aaron have a diet of something other than Haribo Starmix?
Harry: Look in my day footballers ate what they want, I once stood in a field in full 'ammers kit chewing a cow's leg with a pint of bitter and ....
MON: What's Jamie doing!?
Harry: He's playing tennis on the Wii
*Jamie Redknapp frantically swings and grunts in the corner*
MON : But I don't have a Wii? There's not even a TV in my office .... Anyway why are you here?
Harry: Sunglasses?
MON: No!
Harry: Bentley?
MON: Bentley? No
Harry: Sunglasses?
MON: No!
Harry: Bentley?
MON: Fine! I'll take Bentley!
Harry: Smashin' he'll be at your gaffe with a bow on, July 1st.
*MON sighs*
Harry: Come on Jamie, come on Aaron, we've got deals to wheel.
*Harry,Jamie and Aaron leave MON's office*
MON: Ah well, when has a Spurs signing ever let me down?
*Isaiah Osbourne sticks his head around the office door*
Osbourne: Hi boss checkout my cool new sunglasses.
*MON sighs*
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Zat for Sale!?
We join MON returning to his office after a thrilling game of backgammon with James Nesbitt.
*MON sings to himself as he approaches his office door*
MON: ...will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know turn out the lights and I'll glow to the extreme I rock the mic like a .... Zatiyah!?!?
*MON opens the door to find Zat Knight in full Villa Kit, floods of tears holding a rolled up copy of The Sun*
Knight: Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong
*pointing to his Birmingham City link in the sports pages*
MON: Zat what the ...
Knight: You've been the sweetest part of my life so long
MON: Look lad...
Knight: I look in your eyes, there's a distant light and you and I know there'll be a storm tonight
MON: Well I'd not checked the weather but...
Knight: This is getting serious
*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*
Davies: this is serious
Knight: Are you thinking 'bout you or us?
MON: Look, I..
*Zat places a finger on MONs lips*
Knight: Don't say what you're about to say
*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*
Davies: No, no, no, no
Knight: Look back before you leave my life
*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*
Davies: Don't leave his life
Knight: Be sure before you close that door, before you roll those dice. Martin think twice ...
*MON sings to himself as he approaches his office door*
MON: ...will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know turn out the lights and I'll glow to the extreme I rock the mic like a .... Zatiyah!?!?
*MON opens the door to find Zat Knight in full Villa Kit, floods of tears holding a rolled up copy of The Sun*
Knight: Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong
*pointing to his Birmingham City link in the sports pages*
MON: Zat what the ...
Knight: You've been the sweetest part of my life so long
MON: Look lad...
Knight: I look in your eyes, there's a distant light and you and I know there'll be a storm tonight
MON: Well I'd not checked the weather but...
Knight: This is getting serious
*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*
Davies: this is serious
Knight: Are you thinking 'bout you or us?
MON: Look, I..
*Zat places a finger on MONs lips*
Knight: Don't say what you're about to say
*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*
Davies: No, no, no, no
Knight: Look back before you leave my life
*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*
Davies: Don't leave his life
Knight: Be sure before you close that door, before you roll those dice. Martin think twice ...
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
The Market
We join MON strolling through the town market whistling Chaka Khan's "I'm every woman" to himself
MON:*whistle* ... it's all in me ...de de de...
Market Trader 1: Fresh Fish?
MON: No thanks, I don't like fish .... except cod, cod's terrific.
Market Trader 1: So .... You want cod?
MON: No.
Market Trader 2: Fresh Fruit sir? Get your fresh fruit?
MON: No... Actually yes
*The market trader looks at MON expectedly, MON stares back at him.*
Market Trader 2: So... what do you want bananas, apples, cherries?
*MON eyes up a bunch of grapes*
Redknapp: He wants those bananas and those apples.
MON: Harry!? Where did you come from? I categorically deny I want bananas or apples and shall say thusly on the club's official site!
Redknapp: I'll have the grapes Mart's staring at, bananas and apples please.
MON: Hey I was just ....
Market Trader 2: Here you go Harry that'll be £9.70
Redknapp (handing over cash): There you go guv'nor I've given you a bit extra get yourself something nice *wink, wink*
MON: Fine, I'll have those grapes.
Market Trader 2: The slightly battered ones we have left sir?
MON: Yes .... I do love grapes.
MON:*whistle* ... it's all in me ...de de de...
Market Trader 1: Fresh Fish?
MON: No thanks, I don't like fish .... except cod, cod's terrific.
Market Trader 1: So .... You want cod?
MON: No.
Market Trader 2: Fresh Fruit sir? Get your fresh fruit?
MON: No... Actually yes
*The market trader looks at MON expectedly, MON stares back at him.*
Market Trader 2: So... what do you want bananas, apples, cherries?
*MON eyes up a bunch of grapes*
Redknapp: He wants those bananas and those apples.
MON: Harry!? Where did you come from? I categorically deny I want bananas or apples and shall say thusly on the club's official site!
Redknapp: I'll have the grapes Mart's staring at, bananas and apples please.
MON: Hey I was just ....
Market Trader 2: Here you go Harry that'll be £9.70
Redknapp (handing over cash): There you go guv'nor I've given you a bit extra get yourself something nice *wink, wink*
MON: Fine, I'll have those grapes.
Market Trader 2: The slightly battered ones we have left sir?
MON: Yes .... I do love grapes.
"The Boss"
We Join MON tentatively approaching Randy Lerner's office, as he approaches Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" can be heard thumping from the stereo.
*MON knocks and opens the door*
Lerner: ...Imma cool rockin' daddy in the U.S.Aaaaheyhey, Born in the .... Oh hi Marty!
*Randy turns down the volume and takes the tie off his head*
Lerner: sit down, sit down. How can I help you?
MON: I .... er ... was wondering ..
Lerner: Spit it out Marty, remember time is money.
MON: Right, I was interested in Owen and ...
Lerner: Owen? Owen Wilson, are you sure? He's a little old, his younger brother Luke is probably in better shape and funnier have you seen "Old School"? Great movie
MON: I ... er ....no .... but ...
Lerner(on phone): ... Yeah Luke Wilson's agent, find out where I can....
MON: Boss I didn't mean Owen Wilson I meant ....
Lerner(hangs up): Sorry Marty, I'm "rushin' in there" again aren't I?
*Lerner punches MON in the shoulder, MON winces with pain smiling politely as his eyes well up*
MON: Yes. I mean no I ....
Lerner: I'm pretty sure Jesse Owens passed on a few years back, not sure he did soccer anyway.
MON: I meant Michael Owen.
Lerner: Who?
MON: Michael Owen used to play for England, he's at Newcastle...
Lerner: .... The crutches guy? (see Newcastle United part II)
MON: Yes boss.
Lerner: The one always trying to sell Nestle's Sporties, Lucozade and Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 to everybody?
MON: Yes boss.
Lerner: He actually plays soccer?
MON: Well he used to, I mean yeah he still does sometimes.
Lerner: This isn't another one of your projects of mercy is it Marty? We can't keep taking in strays.
MON (shuffling uncomfortably): No boss. Honest boss.
Lerner: What's that behind your back ... A kitten!?
MON: ... It followed me here boss, can we keep it?
Lerner: (sigh)
*MON knocks and opens the door*
Lerner: ...Imma cool rockin' daddy in the U.S.Aaaaheyhey, Born in the .... Oh hi Marty!
*Randy turns down the volume and takes the tie off his head*
Lerner: sit down, sit down. How can I help you?
MON: I .... er ... was wondering ..
Lerner: Spit it out Marty, remember time is money.
MON: Right, I was interested in Owen and ...
Lerner: Owen? Owen Wilson, are you sure? He's a little old, his younger brother Luke is probably in better shape and funnier have you seen "Old School"? Great movie
MON: I ... er ....no .... but ...
Lerner(on phone): ... Yeah Luke Wilson's agent, find out where I can....
MON: Boss I didn't mean Owen Wilson I meant ....
Lerner(hangs up): Sorry Marty, I'm "rushin' in there" again aren't I?
*Lerner punches MON in the shoulder, MON winces with pain smiling politely as his eyes well up*
MON: Yes. I mean no I ....
Lerner: I'm pretty sure Jesse Owens passed on a few years back, not sure he did soccer anyway.
MON: I meant Michael Owen.
Lerner: Who?
MON: Michael Owen used to play for England, he's at Newcastle...
Lerner: .... The crutches guy? (see Newcastle United part II)
MON: Yes boss.
Lerner: The one always trying to sell Nestle's Sporties, Lucozade and Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 to everybody?
MON: Yes boss.
Lerner: He actually plays soccer?
MON: Well he used to, I mean yeah he still does sometimes.
Lerner: This isn't another one of your projects of mercy is it Marty? We can't keep taking in strays.
MON (shuffling uncomfortably): No boss. Honest boss.
Lerner: What's that behind your back ... A kitten!?
MON: ... It followed me here boss, can we keep it?
Lerner: (sigh)
Monday, 8 June 2009
Swapsies
We join MON singing to himself as he returns to his office from a bout of darts with Eddie Irvine.
MON: Whooooa we're half way there, whoooo-ooa livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it I swear whooo... WHOA! Moustapha!?
*MON arrives to find Salifou spinning in his secretary's chair*
MON: What in the name of Bon Jovi are you doing in Rachel's chair?
Salifou: She had an emergency boss, I said I'd hold the fort.
MON: (Jesus)we've not had any calls have we?
Salifou: No boss, oh wait there was one from an "Arry Redknapp"?
MON: Harry? He didn't try to sell you a car did he?
Salifou: No boss.
MON: A Wii? His son's autobiography?
Salifou: No boss, he asked if you'd be interested in swapping John and Ashley for Huddlestone and Bentley.
.....20 minutes later.
MON(wiping a tear from his eye): Oh ho, oh my, Moustapha I've not laughed like that for years. What did you say?
Salifou: I knew you'd be pleased boss I said yes straight away.
MON: You said WHAT?!
Salifou: Well I know you're only short those two and the Hull City shiny for Premier League Panini stickerbook.
MON: How many times have I told you not to touch my stickerbook!?
MON: Whooooa we're half way there, whoooo-ooa livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it I swear whooo... WHOA! Moustapha!?
*MON arrives to find Salifou spinning in his secretary's chair*
MON: What in the name of Bon Jovi are you doing in Rachel's chair?
Salifou: She had an emergency boss, I said I'd hold the fort.
MON: (Jesus)we've not had any calls have we?
Salifou: No boss, oh wait there was one from an "Arry Redknapp"?
MON: Harry? He didn't try to sell you a car did he?
Salifou: No boss.
MON: A Wii? His son's autobiography?
Salifou: No boss, he asked if you'd be interested in swapping John and Ashley for Huddlestone and Bentley.
.....20 minutes later.
MON(wiping a tear from his eye): Oh ho, oh my, Moustapha I've not laughed like that for years. What did you say?
Salifou: I knew you'd be pleased boss I said yes straight away.
MON: You said WHAT?!
Salifou: Well I know you're only short those two and the Hull City shiny for Premier League Panini stickerbook.
MON: How many times have I told you not to touch my stickerbook!?
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