*We join MON who's been called for showdown talks with Randy Lerner*
Lerner: Maaaaarty! Long time no see, how's it hangin'?
MON: You're .... not mad about the 7-1?
Lerner: Ah seven one shmeven one. Hell so what if they scored a touchdown and conversion? That's football right?
MON: Well, not exac....
Lerner: Anyway you're hear about Jimmy Milner, I done had a "grrrrrrreat!" offer for him as Tony the tiger would say.
MON: I didn't realise you had Tony the tiger in America.
*Lerner looks confused*
Lerner: How'd you mean? I take Tony with me everywhere.
*Lerner points to an actual tiger*
Tony: How'd you do?
MON: Hi ... (turning back to Randy) You own a talking tiger?
Lerner: Son when you're a billionaire you can own whatever you like.
MON: right, anyway what was this about Milner.
Lerner: Right these guys are offering me millions for what I can imagine are a few photoshoots in speedos and with feather boas and stuff.
*MON looks sceptical*
MON: Boss are you su....
Lerner: I mean "Man United", you can bat for whatever side you want for the kind of money their offering.
MON: Sir, Man United is a football team not some publication for men of a certain persuasion.
Lerner: Nonsense Marty, it'll be the same as that deal with Barry for "Man City". You can't underestimate the power of the pink pound.
MON: Sir, Barry PLAYS for them now!
Lerner: He does? Gee I thought he had a homelife with kids and everything, go figure.
MON: No not for ... I give up.
*sources "close to Villa" get on the internet and radio on MON's resignation*
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Match 31: Post Chelsea
*We join the lads, heads hung low and glum after their heavy defeat against Chelsea, MON jovially enters whistling as he gets to the front of the room*
MON: Great stuff lads, brilliant, that went exactly as we'd planned.
*MON puts his hands on his hips, throws his head back and bursts out laughing maniacally.*
A.Young (whispering): This is terrible, we've sent him mad.
*A number of the lads fearfully nod*
MON: Excellent, I'm just glad you all got the memo.
Collins: Memo?
Carew: What memo?
MON: Very good you two, the memo, you know.
*MON shuffles the cursor on his laptop and it jumps into life, he clicks on his sent e-mails*
MON: Here we go. "Lets leave it to Chelsea lads, lure them into a false sense of security then strike in the F.A Cup semi-final" and might I say lads you executed the plan beautifully.
A.Young: Boss, I didn't get your e-mail.
*MON chuckles*
MON: Good one Ashley, you said you went to check your e-mails a few minutes before the match, I saw you get your laptop you little scamp.
A.Young: Yeah .... um ..... e-mails.
MON: And like I said before kick-off, "everyone don't forget to check out your e-mails".
Carew: E-mails? I thought you said check out the females.
Gabby: Yeah me too.
MON: Fema...? Why would I ...? So None of you got the memo? You just ... Lost?
Dunne: Aye bass, every goal was like a dagger to me backside.
MON: Don't you mean your heart?
Collins: Steady on boss, his heart's not that big.
*MON flips to a foul, four-letter word tirade which lasts for 40 minutes*
A.Young: Please boss, calm down, I don't think the last few sentances you yelled even made sense.
MON: Pound sign! Percentage! Asterix! Exclamation mark!
*MON Collapses in an exausted heap. He lays on his side heavy breathing like a dying animal*
Warnock: Boss..... Are you ... OK?
*MON raises a weak arm*
MON: Confound you to Hades!
*Carew and Gabby scan the room*
Carew: What ladies?
MON: Great stuff lads, brilliant, that went exactly as we'd planned.
*MON puts his hands on his hips, throws his head back and bursts out laughing maniacally.*
A.Young (whispering): This is terrible, we've sent him mad.
*A number of the lads fearfully nod*
MON: Excellent, I'm just glad you all got the memo.
Collins: Memo?
Carew: What memo?
MON: Very good you two, the memo, you know.
*MON shuffles the cursor on his laptop and it jumps into life, he clicks on his sent e-mails*
MON: Here we go. "Lets leave it to Chelsea lads, lure them into a false sense of security then strike in the F.A Cup semi-final" and might I say lads you executed the plan beautifully.
A.Young: Boss, I didn't get your e-mail.
*MON chuckles*
MON: Good one Ashley, you said you went to check your e-mails a few minutes before the match, I saw you get your laptop you little scamp.
A.Young: Yeah .... um ..... e-mails.
MON: And like I said before kick-off, "everyone don't forget to check out your e-mails".
Carew: E-mails? I thought you said check out the females.
Gabby: Yeah me too.
MON: Fema...? Why would I ...? So None of you got the memo? You just ... Lost?
Dunne: Aye bass, every goal was like a dagger to me backside.
MON: Don't you mean your heart?
Collins: Steady on boss, his heart's not that big.
*MON flips to a foul, four-letter word tirade which lasts for 40 minutes*
A.Young: Please boss, calm down, I don't think the last few sentances you yelled even made sense.
MON: Pound sign! Percentage! Asterix! Exclamation mark!
*MON Collapses in an exausted heap. He lays on his side heavy breathing like a dying animal*
Warnock: Boss..... Are you ... OK?
*MON raises a weak arm*
MON: Confound you to Hades!
*Carew and Gabby scan the room*
Carew: What ladies?
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Match 31: Chelsea
*We join the lads gearing up for their game against Chelsea*
Gabby: ... and I said 'I don't even like celery!'
*The lads erupt with laughter*
MON: Alright lads settle down, right it's the warm up to the big semi, no tissues necessary Ashley.
*A.Young folds his arms and looks away with disgust as the lads all laugh at him*
MON: Sorry Ashley. Anyway with Dunne looking unlikely, Luke ... What in the world....
*Luke Young is in full cowboy gear, he slowly lifts his ten gallon hat and spits in a bucket*
L.Young: I done saw on that there Sky Sports News that with Dunne injured I'd be made deputy.
MON: You mean you'd 'deputise'
*L.Young removes his hat and begins taking off his cowboy garb*
L.Young: Oh. Balls.
MON: Yes, it's quite the injury crisis. Luke, centre back.
L.Young: Centre back but I was thinking that Carlos would ....
MON: Exactly! If that's what you think, that's what everyone will think. They won't know what's hit them with you in the middle and Carlos on the right.
L.Young: But...
MON: But nothing, in the Art of War Sun Tzu said 'Always mystify, mislead and surprise the enemy if possible'
*Gabby is nodding*
Gabby: It's true.
*The lads all turn and stare at Gabby*
Gabby: What? I read.
*The lads are still staring at Gabby*
Gabby: I read!
MON: Anyway imagine their surprise at my masterful tactics. This one's going to be a rout I tell you!
***Meanwhile in the Chelsea dressing room***
Ancelotti: I don't know much about this Martin O'Neill other than he is what us russians call 'insane'
Terry: insane's an english word boss.
Ancelotti: Is always England, England, England with you John. I would tell you 'take break' but the other players they say 'Keep John busy boss' and 'I love my wife boss'. Anyway, O'Neill will probably do something crazy like play all his defenders out of position so just harrass them and it will be what we call in Russia a 'rout'.
*Terry opens his mouth, then thinks better of remarking*
Gabby: ... and I said 'I don't even like celery!'
*The lads erupt with laughter*
MON: Alright lads settle down, right it's the warm up to the big semi, no tissues necessary Ashley.
*A.Young folds his arms and looks away with disgust as the lads all laugh at him*
MON: Sorry Ashley. Anyway with Dunne looking unlikely, Luke ... What in the world....
*Luke Young is in full cowboy gear, he slowly lifts his ten gallon hat and spits in a bucket*
L.Young: I done saw on that there Sky Sports News that with Dunne injured I'd be made deputy.
MON: You mean you'd 'deputise'
*L.Young removes his hat and begins taking off his cowboy garb*
L.Young: Oh. Balls.
MON: Yes, it's quite the injury crisis. Luke, centre back.
L.Young: Centre back but I was thinking that Carlos would ....
MON: Exactly! If that's what you think, that's what everyone will think. They won't know what's hit them with you in the middle and Carlos on the right.
L.Young: But...
MON: But nothing, in the Art of War Sun Tzu said 'Always mystify, mislead and surprise the enemy if possible'
*Gabby is nodding*
Gabby: It's true.
*The lads all turn and stare at Gabby*
Gabby: What? I read.
*The lads are still staring at Gabby*
Gabby: I read!
MON: Anyway imagine their surprise at my masterful tactics. This one's going to be a rout I tell you!
***Meanwhile in the Chelsea dressing room***
Ancelotti: I don't know much about this Martin O'Neill other than he is what us russians call 'insane'
Terry: insane's an english word boss.
Ancelotti: Is always England, England, England with you John. I would tell you 'take break' but the other players they say 'Keep John busy boss' and 'I love my wife boss'. Anyway, O'Neill will probably do something crazy like play all his defenders out of position so just harrass them and it will be what we call in Russia a 'rout'.
*Terry opens his mouth, then thinks better of remarking*
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Match 30: Post Sunderland
*We join the lads indifferent after a draw with Sunderland, MON is wearing a black tie over his tracksuit jacket, his face is streaked with tears*
A.Young: Wow the boss is taking this really hard. Hey boss, you're not upset about the whole 'throwing it away in March' thing are you?
*MON is looking away, silent and solemn*
A.Young: I mean we're trying our best, aren't we guys?
*The lads all nod and audibly agree. MON's bowed head is unmoving*
A.Young: I know the defence aren't as stingy as they've been....
*Collins and Dunne flashback to a conversation before the game with Frazier Cambpell*
.....
Campbell: Hey guys, I know it's cheeky to ask but mind if I score a goal? I'm only young and trying to find my way in the game.
*Collins and Dunne look at each other then back at Campbell*
Cambell: I mean it's hard going, Darren scores all the goals. My mum and dad come to all my matches, they think I'm a goalkeeper!
*Campbell bursts into floods of tears, Dunne puts a comforting arm around him*
Dunne: OK dere buddy, but just tha' one.
*Dunne winks, Cambpell immediately stops crying and beams*
Campbell: Yay!
.....
MON: No,no, it's not that, it's Emile, his injury ... It's finished his career.
*The lads all gasp, MON raises a framed picture of a young, grinning Heskey in his Leicester strip*
Heskey: What? My career's not over. The physio said...
MON: Oh I'll never be able to put his sweet name on my team sheet again.
Heskey: I can play again boss, I'm fine.
MON: When they stretchered him off the pitch I knew that was that. No more Emile in the team, it's almost more than I can bear.
Heskey: I didn't get stretchered off, I just have a knock, look.
*Heskey vibrantly kicks the air and jogs on the spot*
MON: Oh how the Villa faithful will miss his flair and panache.
*Ashley Young pats Heskey on the back*
A.Young: It was nice playing you with you big fella.
Heskey: I'm not...
*Milner presents Heskey with a card, Heskey reads it*
Heskey: 'Sorry you had to RETIRE'?!
*The card is a comedy one with an old man changing the tyres on a broken down vintage car.*
Heskey: Wait, this is signed by everyone, how long have you had this?
MON: Sorry Emile.
*MON is now Sheperding Heskey out of the dressing room with an arm, Heskey is turned looking over his shoulder.*
Heskey: Hey ....I'm not finished guys .... I...
*The door is closed and Heskey is stood outside alone, he can hear Kool and the Gang's 'Celebration' begin to chime from the room, peering in he sees MON dad dancing, his tie now around his head and Nathan Delfouneso jigging on a table in a party hat.*
A.Young: Wow the boss is taking this really hard. Hey boss, you're not upset about the whole 'throwing it away in March' thing are you?
*MON is looking away, silent and solemn*
A.Young: I mean we're trying our best, aren't we guys?
*The lads all nod and audibly agree. MON's bowed head is unmoving*
A.Young: I know the defence aren't as stingy as they've been....
*Collins and Dunne flashback to a conversation before the game with Frazier Cambpell*
.....
Campbell: Hey guys, I know it's cheeky to ask but mind if I score a goal? I'm only young and trying to find my way in the game.
*Collins and Dunne look at each other then back at Campbell*
Cambell: I mean it's hard going, Darren scores all the goals. My mum and dad come to all my matches, they think I'm a goalkeeper!
*Campbell bursts into floods of tears, Dunne puts a comforting arm around him*
Dunne: OK dere buddy, but just tha' one.
*Dunne winks, Cambpell immediately stops crying and beams*
Campbell: Yay!
.....
MON: No,no, it's not that, it's Emile, his injury ... It's finished his career.
*The lads all gasp, MON raises a framed picture of a young, grinning Heskey in his Leicester strip*
Heskey: What? My career's not over. The physio said...
MON: Oh I'll never be able to put his sweet name on my team sheet again.
Heskey: I can play again boss, I'm fine.
MON: When they stretchered him off the pitch I knew that was that. No more Emile in the team, it's almost more than I can bear.
Heskey: I didn't get stretchered off, I just have a knock, look.
*Heskey vibrantly kicks the air and jogs on the spot*
MON: Oh how the Villa faithful will miss his flair and panache.
*Ashley Young pats Heskey on the back*
A.Young: It was nice playing you with you big fella.
Heskey: I'm not...
*Milner presents Heskey with a card, Heskey reads it*
Heskey: 'Sorry you had to RETIRE'?!
*The card is a comedy one with an old man changing the tyres on a broken down vintage car.*
Heskey: Wait, this is signed by everyone, how long have you had this?
MON: Sorry Emile.
*MON is now Sheperding Heskey out of the dressing room with an arm, Heskey is turned looking over his shoulder.*
Heskey: Hey ....I'm not finished guys .... I...
*The door is closed and Heskey is stood outside alone, he can hear Kool and the Gang's 'Celebration' begin to chime from the room, peering in he sees MON dad dancing, his tie now around his head and Nathan Delfouneso jigging on a table in a party hat.*
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Match 30: Sunderland
*We join John Carew and Gabriel Agbonlahor approaching the dressing room before the match against Sunderland, they're much earlier than usual*
Gabby: I like goals.
Carew: I know Gabby, I know.
Gabby: Yeah ..... Like when you kick it in and the crowd goes 'Yay!'
Carew: Yeah, yeah. That's nice, sometimes I just like to relax out there too you know? Watch a game go by but it's is pretty cool to score.
Gabby: ... and you're all like 'Yippee!' and they're all like 'you're the daddy!' and you're like 'Again?'
*Carew looks confused*
Carew: O...K
*The lads can hear singing from the dressing room as they approach it.*
Heskey: Emile Heskey, Heskey. He's bigger than you or me, he's gonna score two or three, Em Heskey, Heskey!
Gabby: Is that Emile?
Carew: He's nicking my song!
*Gabby and Carew hurry to the doors, as they enter Heskey scrambles to screw a piece of paper in his hand into a ball and tidy away a subbuteo set*
Gabby: Wow subbuteo! Can I play?
Heskey: er... No the games over, sorry.
Gabby: That's OK we can start a new one.
*Gabby unfolds the pitch which was covering most of the players, he scans the the selection of Sunderland and Aston Villa figures, then gasps with horror*
Gabby: My legs!?
*The Gabby subbuteo player has had the base and legs broken off, Gabby touches his actual legs to confirm that they are intact*
Heskey: Yeah.... I ..... You're injured.
Carew: And what injury is it that I have!?
*Carew picks up his figure, only identifiable by the 'Carew 10' on the back .... The head has been removed*
Heskey: I .... Um.....
*Carew snatches the ball of paper from Heskey, shaking his head whilst lifting the Heskey player which literally has the ball glued to it's feet.*
Carew: And whats this ... The score?..... Aston Villa 8 - Sunderland 3? ...... You scored all our goals, won man of the match? ..... And .... I scored an Own Goal Hatrick!?
Heskey: You had a tough time out there, you're playing injured.
*Gabby holds up a dictaphone*
Gabby: What's this?
*Gabby presses play, the 'Em Heskey, Heskey' chant comes to an end, the tape continues*
Dictaphone-Heskey (with a commentator's voice): And can anyone stop Heskey? He's cutting through the Sunderland defence like a hot knife through butter.
*Carew and Gabby look sceptically at Heskey*
Heskey: What? His words not mine.
Dictaphone-Heskey (with a high pitched/ girl's voice): We love you Emile!
Dictaphone-Heskey (with a gruff, burly voice): You're useless Carew, absolutely useless!
*Gabby and Carew look at Heskey, eyebrows raised*
Heskey: What? You can't argue with the fans they ARE the club.
*MON enters the dressing room he's cleaning his glasses*
MON: Right Emile so are we ready to finish our preview of the mat..... Gabriel? John? .... You're .... Early.
Gabby: I like goals.
Carew: I know Gabby, I know.
Gabby: Yeah ..... Like when you kick it in and the crowd goes 'Yay!'
Carew: Yeah, yeah. That's nice, sometimes I just like to relax out there too you know? Watch a game go by but it's is pretty cool to score.
Gabby: ... and you're all like 'Yippee!' and they're all like 'you're the daddy!' and you're like 'Again?'
*Carew looks confused*
Carew: O...K
*The lads can hear singing from the dressing room as they approach it.*
Heskey: Emile Heskey, Heskey. He's bigger than you or me, he's gonna score two or three, Em Heskey, Heskey!
Gabby: Is that Emile?
Carew: He's nicking my song!
*Gabby and Carew hurry to the doors, as they enter Heskey scrambles to screw a piece of paper in his hand into a ball and tidy away a subbuteo set*
Gabby: Wow subbuteo! Can I play?
Heskey: er... No the games over, sorry.
Gabby: That's OK we can start a new one.
*Gabby unfolds the pitch which was covering most of the players, he scans the the selection of Sunderland and Aston Villa figures, then gasps with horror*
Gabby: My legs!?
*The Gabby subbuteo player has had the base and legs broken off, Gabby touches his actual legs to confirm that they are intact*
Heskey: Yeah.... I ..... You're injured.
Carew: And what injury is it that I have!?
*Carew picks up his figure, only identifiable by the 'Carew 10' on the back .... The head has been removed*
Heskey: I .... Um.....
*Carew snatches the ball of paper from Heskey, shaking his head whilst lifting the Heskey player which literally has the ball glued to it's feet.*
Carew: And whats this ... The score?..... Aston Villa 8 - Sunderland 3? ...... You scored all our goals, won man of the match? ..... And .... I scored an Own Goal Hatrick!?
Heskey: You had a tough time out there, you're playing injured.
*Gabby holds up a dictaphone*
Gabby: What's this?
*Gabby presses play, the 'Em Heskey, Heskey' chant comes to an end, the tape continues*
Dictaphone-Heskey (with a commentator's voice): And can anyone stop Heskey? He's cutting through the Sunderland defence like a hot knife through butter.
*Carew and Gabby look sceptically at Heskey*
Heskey: What? His words not mine.
Dictaphone-Heskey (with a high pitched/ girl's voice): We love you Emile!
Dictaphone-Heskey (with a gruff, burly voice): You're useless Carew, absolutely useless!
*Gabby and Carew look at Heskey, eyebrows raised*
Heskey: What? You can't argue with the fans they ARE the club.
*MON enters the dressing room he's cleaning his glasses*
MON: Right Emile so are we ready to finish our preview of the mat..... Gabriel? John? .... You're .... Early.
Monday, 22 March 2010
Match 29: Post Wolves
*We join John Carew who has been called for a meeting with MON after the draw with Wolves*
MON: Hi John,
Carew: Hi boss.
MON: Take a seat. Look, people are questioning whether you were offside for your two goals.
Carew: What? Even after the referreeing decisions at the league cup final?
MON: Yeah I know, I said that, ridiculous. But nonetheless football is a 'business' now, so like a business if you are seen to flagging in an area you must be re-trained.
Carew: Re-trained? But I score goals, well when I feel like it I do.
MON: Don't worry John, it won't be anything intensive just a bit of offside training, we'll be adopting the 'explaining offside to your girlfriend' method.
Carew: What's that?
*MON pushes forward a number of random items on his desk.*
MON: OK John, now you are this 1979 European Cup winners medal. The one I almost single handedly won.
Carew: O...K
MON: and the salt is a defender.
*MON holds up a salt shaker, Fabian Delph sticks his head around the door*
Delph: Assault a defender?!
MON: No Fabian.
*Delph groans and hangs his head.*
MON: Hang on, what's that in your hands?
Delph: This? It's Kevin Doyle's leg, Stilyan thought I might like it.
MON: Fabian! Give that back to Kevin at once! Right, what was I saying? Salt, last defender .... Oh ... John imagine my glasses case is Ashley Young.
Carew: Hi Ashley. How are you? Thanks for setting me up with that cross and....
MON: No, I mean just that it's a player and he has the ball.
Carew: Right.
MON: now if he plays you ... the medal ... (that I won) the ball when you're past the salt....
Carew: Here you go boss.
*Carew hands MON the salt*
MON: No, no I don't want the salt.
Carew: Why did you ask for it then?
MON: I didn't, I was just .... Forget it! Just score goals out there.
Carew: Right you are boss.
*Carew stands up to leave*
MON: Oh and don't forget your certificate.
*MON hands Carew a certificate*
Carew: A GNVQ in offside?
MON: Congratulations.
MON: Hi John,
Carew: Hi boss.
MON: Take a seat. Look, people are questioning whether you were offside for your two goals.
Carew: What? Even after the referreeing decisions at the league cup final?
MON: Yeah I know, I said that, ridiculous. But nonetheless football is a 'business' now, so like a business if you are seen to flagging in an area you must be re-trained.
Carew: Re-trained? But I score goals, well when I feel like it I do.
MON: Don't worry John, it won't be anything intensive just a bit of offside training, we'll be adopting the 'explaining offside to your girlfriend' method.
Carew: What's that?
*MON pushes forward a number of random items on his desk.*
MON: OK John, now you are this 1979 European Cup winners medal. The one I almost single handedly won.
Carew: O...K
MON: and the salt is a defender.
*MON holds up a salt shaker, Fabian Delph sticks his head around the door*
Delph: Assault a defender?!
MON: No Fabian.
*Delph groans and hangs his head.*
MON: Hang on, what's that in your hands?
Delph: This? It's Kevin Doyle's leg, Stilyan thought I might like it.
MON: Fabian! Give that back to Kevin at once! Right, what was I saying? Salt, last defender .... Oh ... John imagine my glasses case is Ashley Young.
Carew: Hi Ashley. How are you? Thanks for setting me up with that cross and....
MON: No, I mean just that it's a player and he has the ball.
Carew: Right.
MON: now if he plays you ... the medal ... (that I won) the ball when you're past the salt....
Carew: Here you go boss.
*Carew hands MON the salt*
MON: No, no I don't want the salt.
Carew: Why did you ask for it then?
MON: I didn't, I was just .... Forget it! Just score goals out there.
Carew: Right you are boss.
*Carew stands up to leave*
MON: Oh and don't forget your certificate.
*MON hands Carew a certificate*
Carew: A GNVQ in offside?
MON: Congratulations.
Friday, 19 March 2010
Match 29: Wolverhampton Wanderers
*We join the lads preparing to play Wolves.*
MON: OK lads OK, lets calm down. Now the March hoo-doo has been dealt with I expect us to 'march' on to triumph!
*MON pauses for a laugh. There isn't one*
Carew: Boooooooo!
MON: Boo!? Did someone boo my joke?
*The lads all point at Heskey, MON cuts him an icy stare*
Heskey: What!? It wasn't .... I mean I didn't ... erm..... I wasn't booing I said 'Boorilliant'...... I was doing a Black Country accent.... Because we're playing Wolves.
MON: Oh... Right. Anyway, against Wolves these two are the pair we're really going to have to look out for.
*MON extends a telescopic pointer and taps on two pictures on the board. Ashley Young points to the first*
A.Young: Who's that?
MON: Who's that? It's Steve Bull! "Bully", look at him there with his cheeky smile.
A.Young: Who?
MON: Steve Bull, you know Wolves player, played for England, great striker.
A.Young: Never heard of him.
MON: That's because he has what few players have nowadays. Loyalty, like Alan Shearer he didn't wander to one of the 'big teams' for glory.
Collins: So basically they were scared of the challenge and failure?
*MON points the pointer at Collins*
MON: Bingo.
Milner: and who's tha other wun like?
MON: This? This is Noddy Holder.
Milner: Does he play football like?
MON: Heavens no, their players aren't going to be a threat, I just thought I'd give you something to look for out there when you're tired of giving Wolves a hiding.
*MON pauses again*
Carew: Boooo!
MON: Thankyou. Now people have questioned whether I will rotate the team like I said I would. First team, stand up.
*The familiar first team line-up stand up*
MON: Now turn 180 degrees.
*They all turn, Gabby is spinning in circles like dog chasing it's tail, Heskey takes considerably longer to make the turn*
MON: And again.
*They all turn again facing MON once more*
MON: And sit. Rotation complete.
MON: OK lads OK, lets calm down. Now the March hoo-doo has been dealt with I expect us to 'march' on to triumph!
*MON pauses for a laugh. There isn't one*
Carew: Boooooooo!
MON: Boo!? Did someone boo my joke?
*The lads all point at Heskey, MON cuts him an icy stare*
Heskey: What!? It wasn't .... I mean I didn't ... erm..... I wasn't booing I said 'Boorilliant'...... I was doing a Black Country accent.... Because we're playing Wolves.
MON: Oh... Right. Anyway, against Wolves these two are the pair we're really going to have to look out for.
*MON extends a telescopic pointer and taps on two pictures on the board. Ashley Young points to the first*
A.Young: Who's that?
MON: Who's that? It's Steve Bull! "Bully", look at him there with his cheeky smile.
A.Young: Who?
MON: Steve Bull, you know Wolves player, played for England, great striker.
A.Young: Never heard of him.
MON: That's because he has what few players have nowadays. Loyalty, like Alan Shearer he didn't wander to one of the 'big teams' for glory.
Collins: So basically they were scared of the challenge and failure?
*MON points the pointer at Collins*
MON: Bingo.
Milner: and who's tha other wun like?
MON: This? This is Noddy Holder.
Milner: Does he play football like?
MON: Heavens no, their players aren't going to be a threat, I just thought I'd give you something to look for out there when you're tired of giving Wolves a hiding.
*MON pauses again*
Carew: Boooo!
MON: Thankyou. Now people have questioned whether I will rotate the team like I said I would. First team, stand up.
*The familiar first team line-up stand up*
MON: Now turn 180 degrees.
*They all turn, Gabby is spinning in circles like dog chasing it's tail, Heskey takes considerably longer to make the turn*
MON: And again.
*They all turn again facing MON once more*
MON: And sit. Rotation complete.
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