*We join the lads preparing to play Wolves.*
MON: OK lads OK, lets calm down. Now the March hoo-doo has been dealt with I expect us to 'march' on to triumph!
*MON pauses for a laugh. There isn't one*
Carew: Boooooooo!
MON: Boo!? Did someone boo my joke?
*The lads all point at Heskey, MON cuts him an icy stare*
Heskey: What!? It wasn't .... I mean I didn't ... erm..... I wasn't booing I said 'Boorilliant'...... I was doing a Black Country accent.... Because we're playing Wolves.
MON: Oh... Right. Anyway, against Wolves these two are the pair we're really going to have to look out for.
*MON extends a telescopic pointer and taps on two pictures on the board. Ashley Young points to the first*
A.Young: Who's that?
MON: Who's that? It's Steve Bull! "Bully", look at him there with his cheeky smile.
A.Young: Who?
MON: Steve Bull, you know Wolves player, played for England, great striker.
A.Young: Never heard of him.
MON: That's because he has what few players have nowadays. Loyalty, like Alan Shearer he didn't wander to one of the 'big teams' for glory.
Collins: So basically they were scared of the challenge and failure?
*MON points the pointer at Collins*
MON: Bingo.
Milner: and who's tha other wun like?
MON: This? This is Noddy Holder.
Milner: Does he play football like?
MON: Heavens no, their players aren't going to be a threat, I just thought I'd give you something to look for out there when you're tired of giving Wolves a hiding.
*MON pauses again*
Carew: Boooo!
MON: Thankyou. Now people have questioned whether I will rotate the team like I said I would. First team, stand up.
*The familiar first team line-up stand up*
MON: Now turn 180 degrees.
*They all turn, Gabby is spinning in circles like dog chasing it's tail, Heskey takes considerably longer to make the turn*
MON: And again.
*They all turn again facing MON once more*
MON: And sit. Rotation complete.
Friday, 19 March 2010
Match 28: Post Wigan
*We join the lads celebrating victory over Wigan, MON is pelvic thrusting with gusto at the front of the room*
MON: Oh Yeah! A league win in March! How do you like me now!? In your face Robbo, and you said we'd never win in March!
Robertson: Martin, I said no such....
MON: In your face! Now James where are you? What a cracking goal, brilliant, world class, genius....
Milner: Well thanks boss, I just found the space, picked me spot and hit it like.
MON: What? I'm not talking to you, where is he? Where's James McCarthy the lovely man?
Dunne: He doesn't play for us bass, he's a Wigan man.
MON: Come again? But he hammered it home beautifully.
Collin: Yeah, own goal, happens to the best of us, well the best of us and James McCarthy.
*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*
MON: Wigan eh...?
*MON flips through a notepad with 'SUMMER' written on the front, he comes to a page titled 'GOAL PROBLEM?' underneath it he writes 'JAMES MCCARTHY - WIGAN (better even than Emile?)'
MON: ..... and British is he?
Dunne: Aye Boss, he was born in Scotland.
MON: Excellent.
*MON underlines his name on the notepad*
Dunne: But he plays for Ireland.
MON: Ah, Double british!
*MON underlines his name again*
MON: Which Ireland? The better one?
Dunne: Yeah bass.
MON: Ah from my neck of the woods eh? Great stuff it's good to see the motherland producing such talent.
Dunne: Wait.... I thought you meant....
*Fabian Delph interrupts Dunne, tugging at his shirt*
Delph: Great game Mr.Dunne sir.
Dunne: Thanks bud!
Delph: Yellow card ..... Nice.
Dunne: It's not like I enjoy getting cards.
*Delph raises an eyebrow at Dunne*
Dunne: 'right, maybe I do a bit.
*Dunne and Delph discuss their all time favourite bookings and dismissals*
Delph: ....and I was like 'Pow!' and he was like 'My spleen! My beautiful spleen!' then the ref was like 'you, Delph, off' and I was like 'What!? I didn't even see him there!' then the ref was all 'You're still standing on him!'
MON: So.... No goals again John?
*Carew barely raises his eybrows above the book he's reading*
Carew: Huh?
MON: Goals?
Carew: Oh, Nah not today.
MON: I....um.... OK.
MON: Oh Yeah! A league win in March! How do you like me now!? In your face Robbo, and you said we'd never win in March!
Robertson: Martin, I said no such....
MON: In your face! Now James where are you? What a cracking goal, brilliant, world class, genius....
Milner: Well thanks boss, I just found the space, picked me spot and hit it like.
MON: What? I'm not talking to you, where is he? Where's James McCarthy the lovely man?
Dunne: He doesn't play for us bass, he's a Wigan man.
MON: Come again? But he hammered it home beautifully.
Collin: Yeah, own goal, happens to the best of us, well the best of us and James McCarthy.
*The Dressing Room erupts with laughter*
MON: Wigan eh...?
*MON flips through a notepad with 'SUMMER' written on the front, he comes to a page titled 'GOAL PROBLEM?' underneath it he writes 'JAMES MCCARTHY - WIGAN (better even than Emile?)'
MON: ..... and British is he?
Dunne: Aye Boss, he was born in Scotland.
MON: Excellent.
*MON underlines his name on the notepad*
Dunne: But he plays for Ireland.
MON: Ah, Double british!
*MON underlines his name again*
MON: Which Ireland? The better one?
Dunne: Yeah bass.
MON: Ah from my neck of the woods eh? Great stuff it's good to see the motherland producing such talent.
Dunne: Wait.... I thought you meant....
*Fabian Delph interrupts Dunne, tugging at his shirt*
Delph: Great game Mr.Dunne sir.
Dunne: Thanks bud!
Delph: Yellow card ..... Nice.
Dunne: It's not like I enjoy getting cards.
*Delph raises an eyebrow at Dunne*
Dunne: 'right, maybe I do a bit.
*Dunne and Delph discuss their all time favourite bookings and dismissals*
Delph: ....and I was like 'Pow!' and he was like 'My spleen! My beautiful spleen!' then the ref was like 'you, Delph, off' and I was like 'What!? I didn't even see him there!' then the ref was all 'You're still standing on him!'
MON: So.... No goals again John?
*Carew barely raises his eybrows above the book he's reading*
Carew: Huh?
MON: Goals?
Carew: Oh, Nah not today.
MON: I....um.... OK.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Match 28: Pre Wigan Athletic
*We join the lads preparing to play Wigan*
MON: Alright lads settle down, settle down. Now it's normally the way that a striker returning to his old club is bound to score against them. Unfortunately for us the player returning is Emile.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: .... Where is Emile?
*Ashley Young raises his hand*
A.Young: He went off with his banjo boss, said something about seeing a farm on the way here.
MON: Right.
*Heskey arrives with a pristine banjo*
MON: Ah Emile, glad you could join us.
Heskey: You know you'd be surprised how agile cows actually are.
MON: Quite. Now it's revenge time, these fellas beat us on the first day of the season, the fans raised questions about me. Me! Martin O'Neill! Can you believe that? I mean have I ever told you I've won the european cup!?
A.Young: Yeah you tell us every week boss.
MON: Tell you what?
Downing: That you won tha European Cup like.
MON: That's right, I won it, so don't you forget it.
Carew: It's hard to forget when you make us wear these shirts when we're not playing.
*holds up one of the lads T-Shirts with 'Martin O'Neill European Cup Winner '79 & '80' and a picture below of a young Martin hands aloft in a Notts Forest kit*
MON: Fine shirts, fine shirts and John nobody's forcing you to wear them.
Collins: It's in our contracts!
MON: Enough about how much you love to wear my t-shirts. Defence there's every chance you'll come up against Jason Scotland tonight so if you're struggling to make a clearance, pass it to him.
*The defence chuckle*
Heskey: Ah It'll be nice to see Jason again.
MON: Yes, it's obvious he's reaping the benefits from your expert tutelage.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: Alright lads settle down, settle down. Now it's normally the way that a striker returning to his old club is bound to score against them. Unfortunately for us the player returning is Emile.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON: .... Where is Emile?
*Ashley Young raises his hand*
A.Young: He went off with his banjo boss, said something about seeing a farm on the way here.
MON: Right.
*Heskey arrives with a pristine banjo*
MON: Ah Emile, glad you could join us.
Heskey: You know you'd be surprised how agile cows actually are.
MON: Quite. Now it's revenge time, these fellas beat us on the first day of the season, the fans raised questions about me. Me! Martin O'Neill! Can you believe that? I mean have I ever told you I've won the european cup!?
A.Young: Yeah you tell us every week boss.
MON: Tell you what?
Downing: That you won tha European Cup like.
MON: That's right, I won it, so don't you forget it.
Carew: It's hard to forget when you make us wear these shirts when we're not playing.
*holds up one of the lads T-Shirts with 'Martin O'Neill European Cup Winner '79 & '80' and a picture below of a young Martin hands aloft in a Notts Forest kit*
MON: Fine shirts, fine shirts and John nobody's forcing you to wear them.
Collins: It's in our contracts!
MON: Enough about how much you love to wear my t-shirts. Defence there's every chance you'll come up against Jason Scotland tonight so if you're struggling to make a clearance, pass it to him.
*The defence chuckle*
Heskey: Ah It'll be nice to see Jason again.
MON: Yes, it's obvious he's reaping the benefits from your expert tutelage.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
Monday, 15 March 2010
Match 27: Post Stoke City
*We join the lads mulling over their 0-0 draw against Stoke, MON is celebrating like he's won the world cup*
MON: Yippee!!
*Milner whispers to Ashley Young*
Milner: Why's the boss celebrating like that man?
A.Young: Because it's the middle of March and we've not lost yet.
*MON immediately stops celebrating and his face contorts with rage*
MON: Who said it!? Who said the name of the month I said was never to be said in the dressing room!?
*The lads all sheepishly point at Heskey*
Heskey: What!? I didn't ... I mean.... It wasn't.
MON: Emile! A man of your age and discernable lack of striking ability should know better.
Heskey: Don't put me on the chair boss, please, I didn't even say "March".
MON: That's it! "Funny man" are you!? Do I need to remind you what happened to Nigel!?
.....
*Nigel Reo-Coker is handcuffed to a radiator in a dank room somewhere in bodymoor heath, there appears to be nothing in the room but a saw, tears are streaming down his face*
NRC: I only suggested that we play a right back at right back.
.....
Heskey: Sorry boss.
MON: As this is a day for celebration I'll show mercy Emile but know this....
*MON points to his eyes with two fingers then at Heskey with them*
MON: Anyway, OK game lads, we couldn't possibly be expected to win with that wind.
Gabby: Sorry boss, don't think my stomach's right yet.
MON: No, I mean, nevermind. John where were the goals?
*Carew doesn't look up from filing his nails*
Carew: Nah, not today.
MON: I ... um .... OK.
MON: Yippee!!
*Milner whispers to Ashley Young*
Milner: Why's the boss celebrating like that man?
A.Young: Because it's the middle of March and we've not lost yet.
*MON immediately stops celebrating and his face contorts with rage*
MON: Who said it!? Who said the name of the month I said was never to be said in the dressing room!?
*The lads all sheepishly point at Heskey*
Heskey: What!? I didn't ... I mean.... It wasn't.
MON: Emile! A man of your age and discernable lack of striking ability should know better.
Heskey: Don't put me on the chair boss, please, I didn't even say "March".
MON: That's it! "Funny man" are you!? Do I need to remind you what happened to Nigel!?
.....
*Nigel Reo-Coker is handcuffed to a radiator in a dank room somewhere in bodymoor heath, there appears to be nothing in the room but a saw, tears are streaming down his face*
NRC: I only suggested that we play a right back at right back.
.....
Heskey: Sorry boss.
MON: As this is a day for celebration I'll show mercy Emile but know this....
*MON points to his eyes with two fingers then at Heskey with them*
MON: Anyway, OK game lads, we couldn't possibly be expected to win with that wind.
Gabby: Sorry boss, don't think my stomach's right yet.
MON: No, I mean, nevermind. John where were the goals?
*Carew doesn't look up from filing his nails*
Carew: Nah, not today.
MON: I ... um .... OK.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Match 27: Stoke City
*We join the lads preparing for their match against Stoke City*
MON: Right lads we're going to need to defend like lions here I ..... Hang on, where are all the defenders?
*The lads look all around, there are no defenders to be seen, the song 'Blame it on the Boogie' can be heard approaching the dressing room from the hall.*
MON: What the devil?
*The door bursts open and Luke Young, James Collins, Richard Dunne and Stephen Warnock stride in, Collins is holding a large portable radio*
L.Young: Don't you blame it on the sunshine...
Collins: Don't blame it on the moonlight....
Dunne: We're flying without wings .... I mean ... Damn it!...
Warnock: Blame it on the boogie!
*Delph stands*
Delph: I just can't control my feet!
*Delph boots Sidwell in the shins, Sidwell screams loudly.*
Warnock: Hey nice catching the lyrics there Fabian.
Delph: What lyrics?
MON: Enough of this tomfoolery! James switch that ghetto blaster off at once.
Collins: My what boss?
*The dressing room erupts with laughter as Collins turns off the stereo*
MON: Now what is all this? Why are you four dressed as the Jackson 5!?
*MON eyes the defenders from their flares to their unfeasibly large afros, Collins is combing out his ginger mane*
Collins: You said we'd have to match Rory Delap's 'fro boss.
MON: Yes I said you have to match Delap's throw.
*the defender's point to their ''fros'*
MON: His LONG throw!
Warnock: Our 'fros are pretty long.
*MON is now seething*
MON: No! His....
*Carlos Cuellar strolls in*
Cuellar: Och, sorry I'm late boss.
MON: Carlos I thought better of you, joining this rabble and dressing as a member of the Jackson 5 and with that ridiculous hair!
Cuellar: Dressing as who? This is what I wear every week?
MON: Right lads we're going to need to defend like lions here I ..... Hang on, where are all the defenders?
*The lads look all around, there are no defenders to be seen, the song 'Blame it on the Boogie' can be heard approaching the dressing room from the hall.*
MON: What the devil?
*The door bursts open and Luke Young, James Collins, Richard Dunne and Stephen Warnock stride in, Collins is holding a large portable radio*
L.Young: Don't you blame it on the sunshine...
Collins: Don't blame it on the moonlight....
Dunne: We're flying without wings .... I mean ... Damn it!...
Warnock: Blame it on the boogie!
*Delph stands*
Delph: I just can't control my feet!
*Delph boots Sidwell in the shins, Sidwell screams loudly.*
Warnock: Hey nice catching the lyrics there Fabian.
Delph: What lyrics?
MON: Enough of this tomfoolery! James switch that ghetto blaster off at once.
Collins: My what boss?
*The dressing room erupts with laughter as Collins turns off the stereo*
MON: Now what is all this? Why are you four dressed as the Jackson 5!?
*MON eyes the defenders from their flares to their unfeasibly large afros, Collins is combing out his ginger mane*
Collins: You said we'd have to match Rory Delap's 'fro boss.
MON: Yes I said you have to match Delap's throw.
*the defender's point to their ''fros'*
MON: His LONG throw!
Warnock: Our 'fros are pretty long.
*MON is now seething*
MON: No! His....
*Carlos Cuellar strolls in*
Cuellar: Och, sorry I'm late boss.
MON: Carlos I thought better of you, joining this rabble and dressing as a member of the Jackson 5 and with that ridiculous hair!
Cuellar: Dressing as who? This is what I wear every week?
Monday, 8 March 2010
F.A Cup: Post Reading F.C
*We join the lads rejoicing after their 4-2 victory over Reading. Most of them are cleaning tea off the walls and sweeping up broken china from half-time.*
MON: See lads, that wasn't so hard was it?
*MON packs away his blow torch, Gabby emerges from the toilets*
Gabby: Is it over? How'd you guys get on?
A.Young: We won Gabby, but why didn't you play?
Gabby: I'm no good at reading.
A.Young: Reading? What's that got to do with ...... Oh, we weren't "reading"... like books Gab.
Carew: I was reading the defenders like books.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON (wiping a tear away): Oh John when you're not totally disrespecting the team and everything it stands for with lacklustre, disinterested performances you're amazing.
Carew: Well, you know me.
*Carew shrugs his shoulders with an amusing frown, everyone hugs him whilst laughing*
All the lads: We love you John.
Carew: Yeah, yeah I know.
Heskey: What about me? I had a hand in every goal and won us possession about 90% of the time out there.
*Heskey grins widely whilst holding his arms out for a "team hug"*
MON: Sssssh Emile, look John's flexing his biceps.
Carew: Oh Yeah! check out the gun show!
*The lads ignore Heskey and are applauding and whooping the "show"*
Heskey: I mean I know I didn't score but I....
MON: Emile! Now that's enough out of you! Sit on the "No Goal" chair!
Heskey: But...
MON: Chair!
*Heskey saunters over to a chair facing the wall which crudely has "No Goals" written on the back, He slumps into it, folds his arms and kicks the wall*
Heskey: Stupid Carew and his stupid goals I should...
MON: What are you mumbling over there Emile!?
Heskey: Nothing boss!
MON: See lads, that wasn't so hard was it?
*MON packs away his blow torch, Gabby emerges from the toilets*
Gabby: Is it over? How'd you guys get on?
A.Young: We won Gabby, but why didn't you play?
Gabby: I'm no good at reading.
A.Young: Reading? What's that got to do with ...... Oh, we weren't "reading"... like books Gab.
Carew: I was reading the defenders like books.
*The dressing room erupts with laughter*
MON (wiping a tear away): Oh John when you're not totally disrespecting the team and everything it stands for with lacklustre, disinterested performances you're amazing.
Carew: Well, you know me.
*Carew shrugs his shoulders with an amusing frown, everyone hugs him whilst laughing*
All the lads: We love you John.
Carew: Yeah, yeah I know.
Heskey: What about me? I had a hand in every goal and won us possession about 90% of the time out there.
*Heskey grins widely whilst holding his arms out for a "team hug"*
MON: Sssssh Emile, look John's flexing his biceps.
Carew: Oh Yeah! check out the gun show!
*The lads ignore Heskey and are applauding and whooping the "show"*
Heskey: I mean I know I didn't score but I....
MON: Emile! Now that's enough out of you! Sit on the "No Goal" chair!
Heskey: But...
MON: Chair!
*Heskey saunters over to a chair facing the wall which crudely has "No Goals" written on the back, He slumps into it, folds his arms and kicks the wall*
Heskey: Stupid Carew and his stupid goals I should...
MON: What are you mumbling over there Emile!?
Heskey: Nothing boss!
Monday, 1 March 2010
Post Carling Cup Final
*We join the lads glum after their narrow defeat in the final*
MON: I want to see chins up lads, you're all champions to me and the fans out there!
Gabby: Does that mean we get the cup boss?
MON: No Gabriel.
*Gabby frowns then removes a large bag of pears from his shorts and sets them on a table, the lads look at each other confused*
Gabby: Well, that didn't work then.
MON: Gabriel, why did you bring a bag of pears on the pitch?
Gabby: I was watching Match of the Day before we went out and Alan Shearer said 'The real threat to Man United will be Agbonlahor's pears'
MON: Pace Gabriel, pace. It's just his regional accent.
*Gabby looks confused*
Gabby: Accent? I thought you had to be english to play for England?
MON: Gabriel he's .... Ah nevermind. Anyway lads I can only apologise, I had concentrated so much of our pre-match preperation on Wayne Rooney I hadn't even considered Manchester United's most potent threat. Phil Dowd.
Dunne: He was just everywhere on the pitch bass, unplayable.
MON: I know Richard, I know. He's a quite a talent.
*The door knocks, MON opens the door to Sir Alex Ferguson and Phil Dowd arm in arm Ferguson with the Carling Cup full of champagne, Dowd is holding the bottle.*
MON: Hi Sir Alex congrat....
SAF: That's Sir Alex!
MON: I said ...
SAF: Don't interrupt when I'm talkin' ta ye I'm a sir! Anyway ... What was I saying?
Dowd: Woooooooo! United! .... er .... I mean Wooooooo! Unbiased fairness!
SAF: Aye that was it, I thought you might want to congratulate me and Phil.
MON: I just tried to con ....
SAF: Will ya stop interruptin' me Martin'?
MON: You'd stopped talking Sir Alex. Besides why would I congratulate Phil Dowd?
Dowd: I got Man of the Match. Can I celebrate now Mr.Sir Alex sir?
SAF: Yes, dance .... The Charleston.
*Phil Dowd dances the Charleston on the spot whilst constantly looking for Ferguson's approval, MON closes the door.*
-----------
Hello all, I usually don't put my own opinions on these things but I thought I'd just say I was proud of the lads on Sunday, we played some decent football and never looked in awe of what was a big game, on a big stage, against one of the biggest teams in the world. Of course for us Villa fans the match may have been a little tainted by some bad referreeing decisions but we're a relatively young team and a lesson to take out of the final was if life gives you lemons, use your pears. Anyway ...... We're getting there. U.T.V!
MON: I want to see chins up lads, you're all champions to me and the fans out there!
Gabby: Does that mean we get the cup boss?
MON: No Gabriel.
*Gabby frowns then removes a large bag of pears from his shorts and sets them on a table, the lads look at each other confused*
Gabby: Well, that didn't work then.
MON: Gabriel, why did you bring a bag of pears on the pitch?
Gabby: I was watching Match of the Day before we went out and Alan Shearer said 'The real threat to Man United will be Agbonlahor's pears'
MON: Pace Gabriel, pace. It's just his regional accent.
*Gabby looks confused*
Gabby: Accent? I thought you had to be english to play for England?
MON: Gabriel he's .... Ah nevermind. Anyway lads I can only apologise, I had concentrated so much of our pre-match preperation on Wayne Rooney I hadn't even considered Manchester United's most potent threat. Phil Dowd.
Dunne: He was just everywhere on the pitch bass, unplayable.
MON: I know Richard, I know. He's a quite a talent.
*The door knocks, MON opens the door to Sir Alex Ferguson and Phil Dowd arm in arm Ferguson with the Carling Cup full of champagne, Dowd is holding the bottle.*
MON: Hi Sir Alex congrat....
SAF: That's Sir Alex!
MON: I said ...
SAF: Don't interrupt when I'm talkin' ta ye I'm a sir! Anyway ... What was I saying?
Dowd: Woooooooo! United! .... er .... I mean Wooooooo! Unbiased fairness!
SAF: Aye that was it, I thought you might want to congratulate me and Phil.
MON: I just tried to con ....
SAF: Will ya stop interruptin' me Martin'?
MON: You'd stopped talking Sir Alex. Besides why would I congratulate Phil Dowd?
Dowd: I got Man of the Match. Can I celebrate now Mr.Sir Alex sir?
SAF: Yes, dance .... The Charleston.
*Phil Dowd dances the Charleston on the spot whilst constantly looking for Ferguson's approval, MON closes the door.*
-----------
Hello all, I usually don't put my own opinions on these things but I thought I'd just say I was proud of the lads on Sunday, we played some decent football and never looked in awe of what was a big game, on a big stage, against one of the biggest teams in the world. Of course for us Villa fans the match may have been a little tainted by some bad referreeing decisions but we're a relatively young team and a lesson to take out of the final was if life gives you lemons, use your pears. Anyway ...... We're getting there. U.T.V!
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