Match 16: Manchester United

*We join the lads nervous before their confrontation at Old Trafford, they're hustling to see who's on the team sheet*

Friedel: Yes! Yeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaa!

*Friedel over enthusiastically celebrates, Sidwell rolls his eyes*

Sidwell: *sigh* Every week this is. Am I on it? I have a feeling I'll be in this week.

Petrov (sniggering): Yes Steve, you are on the list.

*Sidwell pumps his fist and works his way to the sheet running his finger down the list*

Sidwell: Hey! I'm not in the first team Stilyan ...... Wait.... I'm not even on the subs bench ...... "Ballboy: Sidwell"!?

*MON Enters*

MON: Have you not read the team sheet Steven? What are you doing here?

Sidwell: but ....

MON: Off you toddle.

*Sidwell leaves the dressing room and joins the ballboys and girls getting their briefing*

Ballboy#1: alwright guvna!?

Ballboy#2: 'Ow's ya doin' me auld china?

Sidwell: Great it's like "Oliver!" in here!

*Back in the Dressing Room.....*

MON: Chins up lads, now I know we usually write off this tie as a loss, but this time things will be different!

Young: How so boss?

MON: Moustapha! Wheel them in!

*Salifou wheels in gas canister after gas canister*

Young: What's that?

MON: It's Oxygen!

*Gabby scratches his head*

Agbonlahor: How's getting rid of spots going to help us beat Man U boss?

MON: Not Oxy 10, Oxygen! I've been watching tapes and we're running out of steam after the 130th minute. With this Oxygen we'll have the boost to deal with whatever length of time Sir Alex imposes on the match.

Salifou: Boss, I'm tired of just delivering you the "secret weapon" and being the butt of your jokes. I'm an international footballer, I deserve respect and I want to play.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

Salifou: What? I'm not joking.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter again*

Salifou: I demand respect!

*the dressing room falls about*

MON (lifting his glasses to wipe the tears from his eyes): Oh Moustapha, you're magnificent.

Salifou: So I start?

MON: No.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter once more, Brad Friedel is still pelvic thrusting with gusto in the background*

Friedel: In the team! Oh yeah baby! Number 1!