Those unfamiliar with "Knightmare" or wanting to indulge in nostalgia should visit here first:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U2...
Treguard: Enter .... Stranger
*MON, Zat Knight and Steve Sidwell stroll confused into the stonewalled room*
Sidwell: I'm not so sure this is Malaga boss?
Treguard: Welcome noble three, what be what your kinship call thee?
Knight (whispering): Who's that? He smells like whisky and cat pee.
MON: I don't know Zatiyah. Hello sir, I'm Martin O'Neill, this is Steve Sidwell and Zat Knight we're from Aston V....
Treguard: Ah so you be the Knight brave sir?! Don this helmet
*Treguard thrusts an oversized, horned helmet at Zat*
Knight: No way, it stinks for a start and ....
*Treguard draws a sword and points it shaking at Zat's adam's apple*
Knight: OK, OK calm down.
*Zat puts on the helmet*
Knight: I can't see a thing
*Treguard pushes Zat through a large pair of self closing doors with his velvet boot before turning to MON and Sidwell*
Treguard: now daring duo cast your eye on your companion and guide him through the mystical glass portal.
Sidwell: You mean tell 'im what to do through this telly?
Treguard: Aye !
*They all look at the screen*
MON: OK Zat you're in a room with loads of holes in the floor and a door at the other end so listen carefully to where Steve leads you.
Knight: OK boss.
Sidwell: Right Zat, take two steps to the left.
*Zat takes two steps to the right*
Sidwell: I said to the left!
*Zat takes another two steps to the right*
Sidwell: I said ****in' left!
*Zat turns to the right*
....later.....
Zat Knight has successfully navigated a room full of pitfalls
*the lads are celebrating*
MON: OK Zat you've entered another room there's a big apple.
Knight: Right? Anything else
Sidwell: it's in front of a spider
Knight (screeching): A spider!?!? Big one!? Small one!?
Sidwell: It's about ten foot.
Knight: What the ****?!
*Zat runs panic stricken into a wall*
Sidwell: Zat we're probably going to need the apple
Knight: **** the apple Sidders. I can't see you in here with a ten foot spider.
Sidwell: It doesn't even look interested in you, I get the impression it's a resized recording of a tarantula minding it's own business
Knight: Where's the door?
sidwell: but the apple...
Knight: DOOR!
Sidwell: (sigh!) 3 steps to the right then straight ahead.
*Zat enters the next room*
MON: You're in a room with a camp looking jester and a big locked door
Jester: Forsooth! Riddle you me, riddle me you, give me the apple and I'll let you through.
Sidwell: What did I say about the apple Zat?!
Knight: Whatever!
Jester: Riddle me you, riddle you me, bring me the apple and ye shall have the key.
Knight: I'm not going near that spider, where's the jester?
MON: About four steps forward and one to the right.
*Zat follows MON's instructions*
Knight: How tall is he?
MON: About 5'8 maybe 5'9, why?
*Zat attacks the jester with a succession of well aimed uppercut punches delivered with the style and speed of a professional boxer rather than a professional footballer. and proceeds to search him for the key*
Knight: I've got the key, lets go.
Sunday 26 July 2009
The Unveiling
We Join the media frenzy as MON has called another of his infamous press conferences.
Press #2: Wow, exciting times at Villa Park eh?
Press #1: I guess, if you call immobile players exciting. I just hope Martin's not going to come out here and sing again.
Press #2: Oh come on, Downing's a quality player and I loved MON's rendition of "Patience", it brought a tear to my eye.
Press #1: What do you think this is about anyway? Another signing?
Press #2: Got to be surely, Mart's on a roll ... Oh shhhh he's coming.
*MON steps out from behind the stage with a telling grin on his face*
Press #2: Look at that grin, it's got to be a signing, a world-class signing.
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: The temperature's rising ....
Press #1: He's singing "it's raining men", I'm off....
Press #2: No wait
*John Robertson adjusts the air conditioning, Press #1 breathes a sigh of relief*
MON: Hello ladies and gentlemen of the press, before this window opened I made a promise to you and the fans.
Press #2: Promise?
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: Yes, a promise to scour Europe and bring back the finest european players to Villa Park.
Press #2: This is going to be amazing, Huntelaar? Ibrahimavic? Viera?
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: Today I show you that Martin' O'Neill is a man of his word.
Press #2: I think I'm going to wet myself!
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: You can come out now!
*Stewart Downing hobbles out from behind the stage in full Middlesbrough kit*
Press #1: Downing?!
*Downing takes a seat next to MON, press #2 raises his hand*
Press #2: Martin, isn't that just Stewart Downing wearing a beret and a garlic necklace?
Downing: I've got a bread stick in tha' back like.
MON: Yes, he also has no sense of humour. Stewart, two blondes walk into a bar ..... You'd have thought one of 'em would've noticed it.
*Downing sits in silence, unflinching*
MON: See? You don't get more european than that.
*The press start to leave in their droves*
MON: Wait, wait he is european, look I have his passport
*MON waves Downing's passport at the leaving crowd*
Press #2: Wow, exciting times at Villa Park eh?
Press #1: I guess, if you call immobile players exciting. I just hope Martin's not going to come out here and sing again.
Press #2: Oh come on, Downing's a quality player and I loved MON's rendition of "Patience", it brought a tear to my eye.
Press #1: What do you think this is about anyway? Another signing?
Press #2: Got to be surely, Mart's on a roll ... Oh shhhh he's coming.
*MON steps out from behind the stage with a telling grin on his face*
Press #2: Look at that grin, it's got to be a signing, a world-class signing.
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: The temperature's rising ....
Press #1: He's singing "it's raining men", I'm off....
Press #2: No wait
*John Robertson adjusts the air conditioning, Press #1 breathes a sigh of relief*
MON: Hello ladies and gentlemen of the press, before this window opened I made a promise to you and the fans.
Press #2: Promise?
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: Yes, a promise to scour Europe and bring back the finest european players to Villa Park.
Press #2: This is going to be amazing, Huntelaar? Ibrahimavic? Viera?
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: Today I show you that Martin' O'Neill is a man of his word.
Press #2: I think I'm going to wet myself!
Press #1: Shhhhhhh!
MON: You can come out now!
*Stewart Downing hobbles out from behind the stage in full Middlesbrough kit*
Press #1: Downing?!
*Downing takes a seat next to MON, press #2 raises his hand*
Press #2: Martin, isn't that just Stewart Downing wearing a beret and a garlic necklace?
Downing: I've got a bread stick in tha' back like.
MON: Yes, he also has no sense of humour. Stewart, two blondes walk into a bar ..... You'd have thought one of 'em would've noticed it.
*Downing sits in silence, unflinching*
MON: See? You don't get more european than that.
*The press start to leave in their droves*
MON: Wait, wait he is european, look I have his passport
*MON waves Downing's passport at the leaving crowd*
Negotiations
We join an intrepid MON with Zat Knight and Stilyan Petrov cutting through smog approaching a mansion.
*MON wipes his steamed glasses and raps on the large lion-head door knocker*
Knight: I'm scared boss, I can't see a thing.
MON: there there Zat, we'll be fine.
*A grotesque hunched over figure anwers the door*
Knight(High pitched): Aaaaaaaaaarrrgh!
MON: Zat get off my leg! Hello Gareth, is Steve around?
Southgate: Yesssssss (slather) Maaaaaarster!? (slobber) Maaaaaarster!? You have guests!
Gibson: a Premier League manager!? Players scatter!
*Boro's players all dash to find hiding places except Stewart Downing who is immobilised by his injury and fear*
Gibson: Aye pet, send 'em up.
*Southgate bows, bidding the lads entrance, leads them to Steve Gibson and scuttles over to him, Gibson gives Southgate a pat on the head*
Gibson: So, interested in the boy Downing are you? £18m
*MON chokes, as much at the ridiculous valuation as the thinness of air*
MON: Are you out of your mind? You're a championship team now Gibson.
*Zat gingerly pops his head out from behind MON*
Knight: Yeah!
*Zat shaking, disappears back behind MON*
Gibson: Sorry lads, I cannae do anything for you, that's the market nowadeeeys I'm afraid.
MON: Right, I didn't want to do this but .... STAN
*Petrov making no sound strides toward Downing*
Downing: Gibbo?!? Boss?!? Get him away from me .... Get him away from me !!!
*STAMP!!!*
Downing: Aaaarrrrrrrggggghhh!! You Monster!
MON: See he's worth nothing now .... £12 miliion?
Gibson: Fine, fine take him and get out!
*Tuncay trembles peeping through the slightly open cupboard he's hiding in*
*MON wipes his steamed glasses and raps on the large lion-head door knocker*
Knight: I'm scared boss, I can't see a thing.
MON: there there Zat, we'll be fine.
*A grotesque hunched over figure anwers the door*
Knight(High pitched): Aaaaaaaaaarrrgh!
MON: Zat get off my leg! Hello Gareth, is Steve around?
Southgate: Yesssssss (slather) Maaaaaarster!? (slobber) Maaaaaarster!? You have guests!
Gibson: a Premier League manager!? Players scatter!
*Boro's players all dash to find hiding places except Stewart Downing who is immobilised by his injury and fear*
Gibson: Aye pet, send 'em up.
*Southgate bows, bidding the lads entrance, leads them to Steve Gibson and scuttles over to him, Gibson gives Southgate a pat on the head*
Gibson: So, interested in the boy Downing are you? £18m
*MON chokes, as much at the ridiculous valuation as the thinness of air*
MON: Are you out of your mind? You're a championship team now Gibson.
*Zat gingerly pops his head out from behind MON*
Knight: Yeah!
*Zat shaking, disappears back behind MON*
Gibson: Sorry lads, I cannae do anything for you, that's the market nowadeeeys I'm afraid.
MON: Right, I didn't want to do this but .... STAN
*Petrov making no sound strides toward Downing*
Downing: Gibbo?!? Boss?!? Get him away from me .... Get him away from me !!!
*STAMP!!!*
Downing: Aaaarrrrrrrggggghhh!! You Monster!
MON: See he's worth nothing now .... £12 miliion?
Gibson: Fine, fine take him and get out!
*Tuncay trembles peeping through the slightly open cupboard he's hiding in*
Friday 10 July 2009
Faith
We join Mon holding his promised conference of Villa fans, support groups and media.
MON: Right any questions before I start?
Fan #1: Well I guess it would be nice....
Fan #2: If you could sign somebody
Fan #1:You know not ev'rybody, can sign somebody like you.
*Ashley Young nods*
MON: But I've got to think twice, before I get strengthening away, I know the game managers play, because I'm playing them too.
Journo #1: You've not got time for, that emotion, you need to get squad numbers off the floor!
MON: I'll only sign players that have devotion, and that takes a strong man baby so I'm showing you the door
*security drag out Journo #1*
Journo #1: Get your hands off me!!
MON: 'cause you gotta have faith
*Petrov jumps on the conference desk with leather jacket/ jean combo and guitar*
MON: Right any questions before I start?
Fan #1: Well I guess it would be nice....
Fan #2: If you could sign somebody
Fan #1:You know not ev'rybody, can sign somebody like you.
*Ashley Young nods*
MON: But I've got to think twice, before I get strengthening away, I know the game managers play, because I'm playing them too.
Journo #1: You've not got time for, that emotion, you need to get squad numbers off the floor!
MON: I'll only sign players that have devotion, and that takes a strong man baby so I'm showing you the door
*security drag out Journo #1*
Journo #1: Get your hands off me!!
MON: 'cause you gotta have faith
*Petrov jumps on the conference desk with leather jacket/ jean combo and guitar*
Phone Tap
You have reached the phone of "Martin O'Neill" please leave your message after the tone
((BEEP!))
Message Number 1
Mama O'Neill: Hello Martin, it's your mum. I suppose you know that don't you? .... From my voice, because I'm your mum. Anyway don't forget it's your auntie Sylvie's birthday Wednesday, bye love.
Message Number 2
Benitez: D'you think you can get away with dealing around me?! Me! Benitez! You Crazy O'Neill! You Crazy!.... Crazy! ( beep, beep, beep) My money she runs out on this phone O'Neill but you can guarantee that ..... (dead tone)
Message Number 3
Redknapp: 'allo Mart me old china 'ow's about your Johnny Carew for 8 .... no, 5 large? Deal? ...... Deal? ...... Deal? Right I'll get on to the papers then.
Message Number 4
Lerner: Heeeeeey Marty, I was wondering can you sub me like 5 bucks? I get paid on Monday, you'll get it right back this time I promise.
Message Number 5
Sidwell: Oh ... I wasn't expecting the machine .... I hate talking on these things .... I saw we're playing Oxford on the BBC website, any chance I can play boss, please?
((BEEP!))
Message Number 1
Mama O'Neill: Hello Martin, it's your mum. I suppose you know that don't you? .... From my voice, because I'm your mum. Anyway don't forget it's your auntie Sylvie's birthday Wednesday, bye love.
Message Number 2
Benitez: D'you think you can get away with dealing around me?! Me! Benitez! You Crazy O'Neill! You Crazy!.... Crazy! ( beep, beep, beep) My money she runs out on this phone O'Neill but you can guarantee that ..... (dead tone)
Message Number 3
Redknapp: 'allo Mart me old china 'ow's about your Johnny Carew for 8 .... no, 5 large? Deal? ...... Deal? ...... Deal? Right I'll get on to the papers then.
Message Number 4
Lerner: Heeeeeey Marty, I was wondering can you sub me like 5 bucks? I get paid on Monday, you'll get it right back this time I promise.
Message Number 5
Sidwell: Oh ... I wasn't expecting the machine .... I hate talking on these things .... I saw we're playing Oxford on the BBC website, any chance I can play boss, please?
The Rocket Club
We join an excited Moustapha Salifou, John Carew and Jon Tickle approaching The Rocket Club carrying a number of colourfully decorated empty plastic bottles, wearing homemade astronaut helmets fashioned from tin-foil and wire hangers.
Tickle: Goodness I've never been to a club with such security, saying that the physics crowd can get a bit rough.
Strippers: Hello lads.
Carew: Strippers?! Where's the rockets?
Salifou: *covering his eyes and dropping the PVA glue* Naked women?! You said we were going to make rockets!
Carew: I thought we were
Salifou: I've got PVA glue all over my trousers now!
*security apprehend Salifou*
Salifou: Unhand me! It's PVA Glue!!
*Salifou is uncermoniously launched into a back alley way with a bump followed minutes later by Steve Sidwell holding a large glass bowl*
Salifou: Did you spill PVA Glue on your trousers too Steve?
Sidwell: No, salad dressing. I thought I'd get tips on rocket salad for my new TV cookery show.
Salifou: Cookery show?
Sidwell: Yeah it's my agents idea, it's called "Sidder's Summer Salads". I even had a catchprase for the end of each episode "And they said red and green should never be seen"
*Salifou slightly embarrassed by the idea says nothing until Ashley Young is also launched into the alley*
Salifou: Ashley? Did you get PVA glue on your trousers?
Sidwell: Or salad dressing?
Young: er .... Yeah
Salifou: Which One?
Young: I said yeah didn't I!? Lets get out of here.
Tickle: Goodness I've never been to a club with such security, saying that the physics crowd can get a bit rough.
Strippers: Hello lads.
Carew: Strippers?! Where's the rockets?
Salifou: *covering his eyes and dropping the PVA glue* Naked women?! You said we were going to make rockets!
Carew: I thought we were
Salifou: I've got PVA glue all over my trousers now!
*security apprehend Salifou*
Salifou: Unhand me! It's PVA Glue!!
*Salifou is uncermoniously launched into a back alley way with a bump followed minutes later by Steve Sidwell holding a large glass bowl*
Salifou: Did you spill PVA Glue on your trousers too Steve?
Sidwell: No, salad dressing. I thought I'd get tips on rocket salad for my new TV cookery show.
Salifou: Cookery show?
Sidwell: Yeah it's my agents idea, it's called "Sidder's Summer Salads". I even had a catchprase for the end of each episode "And they said red and green should never be seen"
*Salifou slightly embarrassed by the idea says nothing until Ashley Young is also launched into the alley*
Salifou: Ashley? Did you get PVA glue on your trousers?
Sidwell: Or salad dressing?
Young: er .... Yeah
Salifou: Which One?
Young: I said yeah didn't I!? Lets get out of here.
"The Hare"
We Join Gabby Agbonlahor, Ashley Young and Marlon Harewood watching "Midlands Today".
TV: ...Finally news is that Nottingham Forest and Leicester City are courting Aston Villa's Marlon Harewood ....
Harewood: Gabby, you smart. What is courting mean?
Gabby: It's that bit before they get pregnant Marlon.
Harewood: Pregnant? I not pregnanted anyone in Nottingham or Leicester?
Young: Do you pair know anything? Courting means they're in talks with you or they're interested Marlon.
Harewood & Gabby: Oh.
Harewood: so what is "infested"?
Young: INTERESTED. They like you, you know like you like....
Harewood: Peppa Pig!?
Young:*sigh* Yeah like you like Peppa Pig
Harewood: and Dora Explorer!?
Young: yes and Dora the Explorer.
Harewood: Ashley ...?
Young: Yeah.
Harewood: Can I watch Peppa Pig?
Young: Whatever, I'm going on the laptop.
TV: ...Finally news is that Nottingham Forest and Leicester City are courting Aston Villa's Marlon Harewood ....
Harewood: Gabby, you smart. What is courting mean?
Gabby: It's that bit before they get pregnant Marlon.
Harewood: Pregnant? I not pregnanted anyone in Nottingham or Leicester?
Young: Do you pair know anything? Courting means they're in talks with you or they're interested Marlon.
Harewood & Gabby: Oh.
Harewood: so what is "infested"?
Young: INTERESTED. They like you, you know like you like....
Harewood: Peppa Pig!?
Young:*sigh* Yeah like you like Peppa Pig
Harewood: and Dora Explorer!?
Young: yes and Dora the Explorer.
Harewood: Ashley ...?
Young: Yeah.
Harewood: Can I watch Peppa Pig?
Young: Whatever, I'm going on the laptop.
Monday 6 July 2009
Mission Improbable
We join James Milner and Ashley Young sneaking around in MON's Office under cover of darkness.
Milner: I cannae hold the suspense man!
Young: Ssssh, y'know the boss keeps his transfer business under wraps.
Milner: I dinnae understand why we had to wear these lycra suits though like!?
Young: Why are you shouting? and the lycra suits are to help us sneak.
Milner: buts surely black would've been better like?! I mean I doon't see why I've got yellow and you've got pink like!?
Young: Jim can you at least lower your voice a little?
Milner: I cannae man, we only talk at one volume in Newcastle pet! I'm just sayin' I feel like a bloody power ranger in this like!
Young: Well your the one who said we should wear helmets! Look all I know is the boss has been frantically jotting notes lately so I'm thinking he's got some big transfer plans, lets find his pad.
*James and Ashley turn the office upside-down*
Milner: MINT!!
Young: You've found it Jim? Great
Milner: Aye, lets take a gander like!
*James and Ashley thumb through MON's large notepad*
Young: Hang on ... He's not been making transfer plans at all, this is a film screenplay!
Milner: Aye and not a good one!
*Ashley turns the book to the first page*
Young: "GOAL! IV: Zidane's Revenge"?
*James reads the summary from the back page*
Milner: "After Zidane wreaks his vengence on the italian world cup winners Northern Ireland look to seize the opportunity in 2010 with only one manager for the job."?
*Enter Moustapha Salifou wearing a security guard uniform (complete with hat and torch)*
Salifou: Who goes there!!
Milner: I cannae hold the suspense man!
Young: Ssssh, y'know the boss keeps his transfer business under wraps.
Milner: I dinnae understand why we had to wear these lycra suits though like!?
Young: Why are you shouting? and the lycra suits are to help us sneak.
Milner: buts surely black would've been better like?! I mean I doon't see why I've got yellow and you've got pink like!?
Young: Jim can you at least lower your voice a little?
Milner: I cannae man, we only talk at one volume in Newcastle pet! I'm just sayin' I feel like a bloody power ranger in this like!
Young: Well your the one who said we should wear helmets! Look all I know is the boss has been frantically jotting notes lately so I'm thinking he's got some big transfer plans, lets find his pad.
*James and Ashley turn the office upside-down*
Milner: MINT!!
Young: You've found it Jim? Great
Milner: Aye, lets take a gander like!
*James and Ashley thumb through MON's large notepad*
Young: Hang on ... He's not been making transfer plans at all, this is a film screenplay!
Milner: Aye and not a good one!
*Ashley turns the book to the first page*
Young: "GOAL! IV: Zidane's Revenge"?
*James reads the summary from the back page*
Milner: "After Zidane wreaks his vengence on the italian world cup winners Northern Ireland look to seize the opportunity in 2010 with only one manager for the job."?
*Enter Moustapha Salifou wearing a security guard uniform (complete with hat and torch)*
Salifou: Who goes there!!
Friday 3 July 2009
Following Orders
We join MON in his office listening to Abba's greatest hits.
MON: If I had a little money, it's a rich man's....
*Isaiah Osbourne bursts into the office wearing his tracksuit and sweatband*
MON: Saints preserve us! Isaiah what're you doing? Who are they?
Osbourne: The guy I pushed in in the wheelchair is Bob and the guy who followed me in with crutches is Steve.
Bob & Steve: Hi Martin.
Osbourne: What did I tell you? It's Mr.Martin.
Bob & Steve: Sorry Oz, hi Mr.Martin.
MON: Hi ... Wait a minute why are they here? What's that they're wearing? Hospital robes?
Osbourne: They're patients Mr.Martin.
MON: Patients?
*Osbourne starts doing star jumps*
Osbourne: C'mon guys hup two .... hup two.
*Steve collapses in a heap*
Bob(flapping his arms up and down): I'm not back on my feet yet Oz, is this alright?
MON: Hold on! What is all this?!
Osbourne: You said we're going to have to excercise patients over the transfer window boss.
MON: What!? I said excercise patience!
Osbourne (stretching side to side): Yer boss like I said.
MON: Patience!!
Bob & Steve: Yes Mr.Martin ?
MON: No not you pair I mean ...
*Moustapa Salifou bursts into the office with a man on a hospital bed and a yoga mat*
Salifou: right boss where shall I set up?
*MON sighs*
MON: If I had a little money, it's a rich man's....
*Isaiah Osbourne bursts into the office wearing his tracksuit and sweatband*
MON: Saints preserve us! Isaiah what're you doing? Who are they?
Osbourne: The guy I pushed in in the wheelchair is Bob and the guy who followed me in with crutches is Steve.
Bob & Steve: Hi Martin.
Osbourne: What did I tell you? It's Mr.Martin.
Bob & Steve: Sorry Oz, hi Mr.Martin.
MON: Hi ... Wait a minute why are they here? What's that they're wearing? Hospital robes?
Osbourne: They're patients Mr.Martin.
MON: Patients?
*Osbourne starts doing star jumps*
Osbourne: C'mon guys hup two .... hup two.
*Steve collapses in a heap*
Bob(flapping his arms up and down): I'm not back on my feet yet Oz, is this alright?
MON: Hold on! What is all this?!
Osbourne: You said we're going to have to excercise patients over the transfer window boss.
MON: What!? I said excercise patience!
Osbourne (stretching side to side): Yer boss like I said.
MON: Patience!!
Bob & Steve: Yes Mr.Martin ?
MON: No not you pair I mean ...
*Moustapa Salifou bursts into the office with a man on a hospital bed and a yoga mat*
Salifou: right boss where shall I set up?
*MON sighs*
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