Tuesday 23 June 2009

Press Conference

We join a press gang awaiting an "urgent" conference called by MON.

Press #1: I hear he's got a big message for the fans.

Press #2: Yeah, that's what I heard, what do you think? Big name signing?

Press #1: Yeah, it's gotta be .... My money's on Owen, or maybe that Defour bloke.

Press #3: He's probably just telling us who he's NOT signing ... Again.

*The press comes to a hush as smoke from a fog machine clouds behind the conference stage and Metallica's "Enter the Sandman plays*

Press #2: How exciting ... It's got to be a signing.

Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!

*MON, Isaiah Osbourne, Moustapha Salifou and John Robertson emerge from the smoke wearing matching claret and blue suits and take seats at the stage*

MON: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I've called you all here as I have an important announcment to make to the fans.

Press #2: Signing I'm telling you

Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!

*MON pulls out a sheet of paper and adjusts his glasses*

MON: Just have a little patience, I'm still hurting from a love I lost.

Press #2: Eh?

Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!

MON: I'm feeling your frustration. Any minute all the pain will stop.

Press #2: So is he unveiling a signing or ..

Press #1: Ssshhhhhh!

MON: Just hold me close inside your arms tonight, *Salifou wraps an arm around MON* don't be too hard on my emotions.

Osbourne, Salifou & JR: 'Cause IIIIIIIII!

MON: need

Osbourne, Salifou & JR: Tiiiiiiiiiiime

MON: My heart is numb, has no feeling, so while I'm still healing
Just

Osbourne, Salifou & JR: Trrrrrrrryyyy

MON: and have a little patience.

*The press gang scratch their heads*

Press #2: *claps solitarily* Yeaaaah, wooooooo !!!

MON: That is all, Thanks for coming.

*The Villa lads leave the stage whilst the press gang sit in stunned silence.*

Thursday 18 June 2009

Hacks!

We join MON finally returning from his Jamaican holiday, his car pulls up outside his office and he emerges

MON: Pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side, pass the dutchie 'pon the left hand side, it agga bun ... WHAT!?!

*MON's tuneful rendition is rudely interrupted by hoardes of journalists and Papparazzi. Journo #1 thrusts a microphone towards MON*

Journo #1: Martin, The Sun here, Nice tan..

MON: Why thank you I did ...

Journo #1: Pass to the left-sided dutchman? Arjen Robben or Royston Drenth?

MON: Roy who? I was singing Musical Youth's "Pass the...

Journo #1: Right got the headline "Royston Villa" oooh or "Royston of the Rovers"

MON: Wait I didn't say I was interested and the rovers one doesn't make any....

*Journo #2 thrusts a microphone in towards MON*

Journo #2: Hello Martin, Daily Express here, nice rastafarian hat.

MON: Well I had my hair braided with extensions and...

Journo #2: You're not planning on signing foreigners are you Martin? Ruining our country they are.

MON: What I ....

*Journo #3 thrusts a microphone in towards MON*

Journo #3: alright Martin, Daily Star.

MON: Hi I..

*Journo #3 Unfolds a double page poster of a topless glamour girl*

Journo #3: Check out the norks on that!

MON: Er.... Very nice ... Any football related questions?

Journo #3: Nah, we'll just copy The Sun

Journo #1: Hey!

*Harry Redknapp thrusts a microphone in towards MON*

Redknapp: 'Arry Redknapp, Tottenham Hotspurs

MON: Harry, I know who you are, why are you outside with the media lot? Why do you have a microphone?

Redknapp: The Bentler, the Hudd and Jenny what's your best price?

Journo #4: Hi Mart, Daily Sport here.

MON: Right?

Journo #4: BOOBS!!!!

MON: That's it I'm going to my office!

'Aribo

We join MON returning to his office after an enthralling game of bridge with Alex Higgins.

*MON opens his door to find Aaron Lennon running laps in his office*

Lennon: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!

MON: Harry, what're you doing here? And why are you wearing a sheepskin coat it must be 25 degrees?

Redknapp: Maaaartin! *puts his arm around MON* First things first, can I interest you in a job lot of sunglasses?

*Harry points to a large box on MON's desk*

MON: No thanks Harry .... hey they all have one lens missing.

Redknapp: Yeah .... They're gonna be all the rage with the kids.

*Lennon stops running and jogs on the spot*

Lennon: Is Gabby home Mr.Martin? Is Gabby home? Does he want to race?

MON: No lad, he's not.

*Lennon pouts and begins running in circles again.*

Lennon: Wheeeeeeeeee!!!

MON: Harry have you perhaps thought of letting Aaron have a diet of something other than Haribo Starmix?

Harry: Look in my day footballers ate what they want, I once stood in a field in full 'ammers kit chewing a cow's leg with a pint of bitter and ....

MON: What's Jamie doing!?

Harry: He's playing tennis on the Wii

*Jamie Redknapp frantically swings and grunts in the corner*

MON : But I don't have a Wii? There's not even a TV in my office .... Anyway why are you here?

Harry: Sunglasses?

MON: No!

Harry: Bentley?

MON: Bentley? No

Harry: Sunglasses?

MON: No!

Harry: Bentley?

MON: Fine! I'll take Bentley!

Harry: Smashin' he'll be at your gaffe with a bow on, July 1st.

*MON sighs*

Harry: Come on Jamie, come on Aaron, we've got deals to wheel.

*Harry,Jamie and Aaron leave MON's office*

MON: Ah well, when has a Spurs signing ever let me down?

*Isaiah Osbourne sticks his head around the office door*

Osbourne: Hi boss checkout my cool new sunglasses.

*MON sighs*

Thursday 11 June 2009

Zat for Sale!?

We join MON returning to his office after a thrilling game of backgammon with James Nesbitt.

*MON sings to himself as he approaches his office door*

MON: ...will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know turn out the lights and I'll glow to the extreme I rock the mic like a .... Zatiyah!?!?

*MON opens the door to find Zat Knight in full Villa Kit, floods of tears holding a rolled up copy of The Sun*

Knight: Don't think I can't feel that there's something wrong

*pointing to his Birmingham City link in the sports pages*

MON: Zat what the ...

Knight: You've been the sweetest part of my life so long

MON: Look lad...

Knight: I look in your eyes, there's a distant light and you and I know there'll be a storm tonight

MON: Well I'd not checked the weather but...

Knight: This is getting serious

*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*

Davies: this is serious

Knight: Are you thinking 'bout you or us?

MON: Look, I..

*Zat places a finger on MONs lips*

Knight: Don't say what you're about to say

*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*

Davies: No, no, no, no

Knight: Look back before you leave my life

*Curtis Davies sticks his head round the door*

Davies: Don't leave his life

Knight: Be sure before you close that door, before you roll those dice. Martin think twice ...

Wednesday 10 June 2009

The Market

We join MON strolling through the town market whistling Chaka Khan's "I'm every woman" to himself

MON:*whistle* ... it's all in me ...de de de...

Market Trader 1: Fresh Fish?

MON: No thanks, I don't like fish .... except cod, cod's terrific.

Market Trader 1: So .... You want cod?

MON: No.

Market Trader 2: Fresh Fruit sir? Get your fresh fruit?

MON: No... Actually yes

*The market trader looks at MON expectedly, MON stares back at him.*

Market Trader 2: So... what do you want bananas, apples, cherries?

*MON eyes up a bunch of grapes*

Redknapp: He wants those bananas and those apples.

MON: Harry!? Where did you come from? I categorically deny I want bananas or apples and shall say thusly on the club's official site!

Redknapp: I'll have the grapes Mart's staring at, bananas and apples please.

MON: Hey I was just ....

Market Trader 2: Here you go Harry that'll be £9.70

Redknapp (handing over cash): There you go guv'nor I've given you a bit extra get yourself something nice *wink, wink*

MON: Fine, I'll have those grapes.

Market Trader 2: The slightly battered ones we have left sir?

MON: Yes .... I do love grapes.

"The Boss"

We Join MON tentatively approaching Randy Lerner's office, as he approaches Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" can be heard thumping from the stereo.

*MON knocks and opens the door*

Lerner: ...Imma cool rockin' daddy in the U.S.Aaaaheyhey, Born in the .... Oh hi Marty!

*Randy turns down the volume and takes the tie off his head*

Lerner: sit down, sit down. How can I help you?

MON: I .... er ... was wondering ..

Lerner: Spit it out Marty, remember time is money.

MON: Right, I was interested in Owen and ...

Lerner: Owen? Owen Wilson, are you sure? He's a little old, his younger brother Luke is probably in better shape and funnier have you seen "Old School"? Great movie

MON: I ... er ....no .... but ...

Lerner(on phone): ... Yeah Luke Wilson's agent, find out where I can....

MON: Boss I didn't mean Owen Wilson I meant ....

Lerner(hangs up): Sorry Marty, I'm "rushin' in there" again aren't I?

*Lerner punches MON in the shoulder, MON winces with pain smiling politely as his eyes well up*

MON: Yes. I mean no I ....

Lerner: I'm pretty sure Jesse Owens passed on a few years back, not sure he did soccer anyway.

MON: I meant Michael Owen.

Lerner: Who?

MON: Michael Owen used to play for England, he's at Newcastle...

Lerner: .... The crutches guy? (see Newcastle United part II)

MON: Yes boss.

Lerner: The one always trying to sell Nestle's Sporties, Lucozade and Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 to everybody?

MON: Yes boss.

Lerner: He actually plays soccer?

MON: Well he used to, I mean yeah he still does sometimes.

Lerner: This isn't another one of your projects of mercy is it Marty? We can't keep taking in strays.

MON (shuffling uncomfortably): No boss. Honest boss.

Lerner: What's that behind your back ... A kitten!?

MON: ... It followed me here boss, can we keep it?

Lerner: (sigh)

Monday 8 June 2009

Swapsies

We join MON singing to himself as he returns to his office from a bout of darts with Eddie Irvine.

MON: Whooooa we're half way there, whoooo-ooa livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it I swear whooo... WHOA! Moustapha!?

*MON arrives to find Salifou spinning in his secretary's chair*

MON: What in the name of Bon Jovi are you doing in Rachel's chair?

Salifou: She had an emergency boss, I said I'd hold the fort.

MON: (Jesus)we've not had any calls have we?

Salifou: No boss, oh wait there was one from an "Arry Redknapp"?

MON: Harry? He didn't try to sell you a car did he?

Salifou: No boss.

MON: A Wii? His son's autobiography?

Salifou: No boss, he asked if you'd be interested in swapping John and Ashley for Huddlestone and Bentley.

.....20 minutes later.

MON(wiping a tear from his eye): Oh ho, oh my, Moustapha I've not laughed like that for years. What did you say?

Salifou: I knew you'd be pleased boss I said yes straight away.

MON: You said WHAT?!

Salifou: Well I know you're only short those two and the Hull City shiny for Premier League Panini stickerbook.

MON: How many times have I told you not to touch my stickerbook!?

Eng-er-land Part II

We join the lads in the Post-match Kazakhstan dressing room as internal tension mounts ...

Upson: Look at them sitting there with their top hats and monacles, makes me sick it does.

*Gareth Barry and Ashley Cole count out large piles of cash whilst smoking cigars*

Barry: ... So I said I'll have all ten!

*Barry and A.Cole snort/laugh loudly*

*on noticing Upson, Cahill and Heskey are talking about him Barry tips his top hat to them*

Barry: Y'aright our kids?

Cahill: No I'm not "aright", what happened to integrity, honour and heroism in the game?

A.Cole: I sold mine, got this ring with the proceeds, see?

*Ashley Cole holds out his hand flaunting a large ring*

Barry: Oooooh that's nice. Is it white gold?

A.Cole: Platinum.

Barry: Really? Very nice.

A.Cole: Yeah, thanks.

Heskey: Barrington tisn't like your goodself to trade virtue for the coin, forsooth.

Barry: Eh? Listen sunshine I put up with that Friar Tuck rubbish while I was at Villa, but your not David Harewood, you're Emile Heskey and it's 2009.

*Heskey runs sobbing into the arms of Upson*

Heskey: He's so (sob), (sob) mean.

Upson: Now look what you've done, you've made Emile cry!

*Barry throws a £50 note at Heskey*

Barry: Dry yer eyes on that our kid.

Gerrard: eh, eh, eh, eeerrm, cyarm down lads, cyarm down eeerrm.

Friday 5 June 2009

Eng-er-land

We join our nation's finest players in their Kazakhstan hotel lobby ...

*John Terry sits next to a nervous Gary Cahill*

Terry: You OK mate? Welcome to the squad, want me to give you some tips from my experience?

*Cahill timidly nods pulling out a notepad and pen*

Terry: You've got to hold and give

*Cahill scribbles down*

Terry: But do it at the right time

Cahill: Right time, right gotcha

Terry: You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line

Cahill: Get to the line ... hang on what line?

Terry: They'll try to hit you ...

Cahill: Wait, wait what line? .... Hit me?

Terry (nodding): and hurt you, defend and attack....

.....

*Gareth Barry and Steve Gerrard are in heated exchange*

Barry: But you said I move you move!

Gerrard: Errrm

Barry: Don't give me that, you said if I take the jump you'll do your best to come.

Gerrard: Eeeeerrrm

Barry: What do you mean!? We both knew that it'd be difficult.

Gerrard: Errrm

Barry: Merseyside is your home you don't think you'll ever leave!?

Gerrard: Eeeerrm

Barry: It's too late for your sorries now Stevie!

Gerrard: Eeeeeerm

Barry: No an "open letter" of apology would not make me feel better!

.....

Carson: So who do you think's better Gerrard or Lampard?

SWP: Christ not this again Carson, you're so boring.

Lampard: Lampard!

Walcott: I think Gerrard actually he's a bit more versatile and ...

*Lampard cuts Walcott a deathly stare*

Walcott: Did I say Gerrard? I meant Lampard, y'know that Gerrard's a Jack of all trades master of none and all that.

.....

*Beckham returns to the group*

Beckham: It's well odd here, the toilets don't have seats.

*Everyone turns to Glen Johnson*

Johnson: What? ... It was one time!

......

*Fabio Cappello marches into the lobby*

Cappello: Good morning England

Whole team (robotically): Good morn-ing Mr Cap-ello

*Cappello presents the register*

Cappello: Beckham?

Beckham: Yes sir.

Cappello: Cahill?

Cahill: Yes sir.

Cappello: Carson?

Carson: Here sir.

Cappello: Cole? ..... Cole? ..... Cole? .....Where is this Ashley Cole?

Neville: He's sitting on the phone sir.

Cappello: Sitting on phone? Mio dio! The papparazzo they will have field day!

Neville: sitting TALKING on his phone sir.

*Cappello mops his brow with a handkerchief*

Cappello: Oh, you scare me ugly man.

Neville: Sorry sir.

Thursday 4 June 2009

MON on 606

We Join MON returning from a bout of badminton with Eamonn Holmes:

*MON's singing to himself as he heads to his office*

MON: I've got that boom, boom pow these chickens jockin' my style they're tryin' ta copy my swagger I'm on that next sh...Oh sweet Jesus! Ashley what have I told you about using my PC?

A.Young: It's a Mac boss.

MON: You know what I mean! If you think I'm hiring another tech geek to clear the filth and viruses you've...

A.Young: Relax boss, I'm on 606

MON: You're on what? Oh sweet Lord I'm going to have to ring the Priory again aren't I? We'll call it an "ankle problem" and ...

A.Young: No boss it's where footie fans voice their opinions and post quite frankly hilarious transcripts of us lot.

MON: Lets have a look at that ..... Ha looks like Barry's getting both barrels, What? Me slow in the market? Need more quality ? 4-5-1 !? Pah what do they know about football anyway!?

A.Young: Well you could say the fans are the lifesblood of ....

MON: Have they played in a European Cup final?

A.Young: Well boss to be fair you don't have to have done that to ...

MON: Have they!?

A.Young: Well I guess not.

MON: Flippin' WUMs! Isaiah get in here!

Osbourne (appearing in doorway saluting): Yes boss!

MON: One star for every article with a bad word about me.

Osbourne: But boss there are hundreds of articles and I've got to get my fitness up for next season.

*The office erupts with laughter*

MON (wiping a tear from his eye): Oh Isaiah, that's why I keep you around.

Osbourne: So I'm back to training boss?

MON: Of course not, take a seat, log in and don't get banned.

Wednesday 3 June 2009

Goodbye, Old Friend

We join the whole squad filing into the dressing room after all having recieved a text message from MON "sad Nus abt Barry come 2 da drssng rm kwik". On entering:

*MON stands at the front of the dressing room in a black suit next to a large framed portrait of Gareth Barry, darkened sunglasses cover his teary eyes. Cuellar plays "Amazing Grace" softly on the bagpipes.

Carew: Got here as soon as I could boss, sad news about Gareth? Is he injured or ..... dead?

MON: It's worse ..... He's joined Man City.

Gardner: Oh God!

*Gardner breaks into a hysterical wailing*

Osbourne: Oh no, this is terrible.

Gardner: Whyyyyyyyy !?!? (sniff, sniff)

*The door opens, everyone turns*

The Dressing Room: Gareth?!

*Gareth Barry strolls into the dressing room wearing a blue and white tea towel on his head*

Barry: Y'aright ar kids, just droppin' by t'dressing room to pick up some stuff like.

Gardner(hugging on MON's leg): Why is he talking like that? and why's he walking with that ape like swagger?

MON: Because that's how they act Craig.

*Gardner sobs into MONs trouser leg*

Barry: Look lads, it's not you it's me.

Gardner: That doesn't make it any easier (sob, sob)

*Barry leaves*

MON: Did anyone just hear unzipping ? ..... Where's Isaiah!?

*cut to the toilets, Isaiah Osbourne is swinging his tracksuit jacket around his head*

Osbourne(singing with glee): Villa's number 6!, Osbourne Villa's number 6!

*dropping his jacket and pelvic thrusting with vigour*

Osbourne(singing with unbridled joy): Who's that starting ev-ery match is it Isaiah? Is it Isaiah?

*Back in the dressing room, MON presses play on the portable CD player*

MON (patting Gardner's back): Listen little Craig, there will come a day, when you will be able, able to say never mind the pain or the aggravation. You know there's a better way for you and me to be.

Petrov: Look for the rainbow in every storm. Fly like an angel, Heaven sent to me

All: Goodbye My Friend

Salifou: I know you're gone you said you're gone but I can still feel you here

All: It's not the end

Salifou: you gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear

Gabby: So glad we made it, time will never change it no no no

All: no no no no

....

Mancs!

We join MON returning to his office after a bout of squash with Roy Walker.

*MON whistling opens his office door*

MON: Hughes?! What're you doing here? Get your feet off my desk!

Hughes: Y'aright ar kid?

*Salifou walks in with two mugs of coffee*

MON: Moustapha? What're you doing?

Salifou: They said they were thirsty boss I was....

MON: I'm the boss around here!

Salifou: But they threw rolls of money at me boss.

*MON growls, Salifou backs out of the room*

Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan: So foo' what you sayin' 'bout sellin' me some player !?!

MON: Sheikh Mansour ?!? Where did you come from? And why do you sound like MR.T?

Sheikh: I'm so rich I can sound like who I like now gimme some player before I slap the taste out your mouth with a money roll.

MON: I ... er .... Who do you want? Moustapha? He's great

Sheikh: Moustapha?! I pity the foo' !

Salifou: (from behind the door) It's SALIfou

.....

A Trip to Staples

We join MON, Ashley Young, Isaiah Osbourne and John Carew on a car journey to Staples.

Osbourne (to the radio): I'm just a love machine, feeding my fantasy, give me a kiss or three .... And I'm fine. I need a squeeze a day ...

MON: Enough Isaiah, enough. We're here, right lads, we need to pick up a few bits and bobs for setting up the war room.

The lads: Yes boss.

MON: Let's not make it like January's debacle, don't let me spend the whole of the transfer fund on stationary again OK?

The lads: Yes boss.

*Carew grabs a trolley and the lads begin shopping*

A.Young: Wow boss, look at that stapler.

Osbourne: It's so shiny.

MON: We'll have that for a start.

Later...

*MON bumps into Rafa Benitez, Xabi Alonso, Pepe Reina and Cheech Marin*

Benitez: Hello O'Neill you engleesh pig (spits)

*Benitez's bandito's chuckle*

Osbourne: You can't speak to the boss like that!

*a wildly flailing Osbourne is restrained by Carew*

Carew: Leave it Isaiah, leave it.

*Benitez's bandito's point and chuckle*

MON: Raphael I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I'm not english.

Benitez: Well you look engleesh and you smeeeell engleesh

*Benitez's bandito's chuckle*

A.Young to Carew: (I thought he was spanish, what's with the sombrero, poncho and mexican accent?)

Carew to A.Young: *shrugging his free shoulder*(I dunno?)

Benitez: So O'Neill are you getting paperclips for your pathetic war room? Ha Ha Ha!

*Benitez's bandito's chuckle*

Benitez: Shut up you idiotas!

MON: I was picking up a few things, yes what brings you here?

Benitez: I have a leest of facts ... I mean things I must get.

*Rafa casts his eye on the glittery stapler in MON's trolley*

Benitez: Madre de Dios! Thees stapler, she is beautiful.

MON: Yes it is isn't it, last one too.

Osbourne (still swinging, kicking and being restrained by Carew): and you can't have it!

Benitez: We'll see about that, I offer you 50 peso's and this pencil case with Bolt the Dog on for you're rubbish stapler which I am not even interested in.

MON: I already have a Bolt the Dog pencil case, you can have it for ..... £18 million.

Benitez (On Phone): Hello meester Hicks, can I have £18 Million for the finest stapler you... No .... But you have not seen the stapler boss she is ..... OK OK.

Benitez: You win this time O'Neill! Banditos ándale!

Carew: You showed him boss.

MON: Aye that I did, lets finish up and get back.

Later.....

Till Cashier: That'll be £30 million please.

MON: Not again!

BBQ

We re-join the lads at their annual Barbeque at Bodymoor Heath.

Shorey: .... I believe in honesty, said you don't know a thing about me

Heskey: Well it's a question of faith. Take it home Nicholas.

*Shorey ends the song with a lengthy clarinet solo.*

*The BBQ applauds*

MON: I tell you what lads if there's a better Lighthouse Family cover band that plays the lute and clarinet I'm yet to hear them.

Heskey: Many thanks Martin, forsooth tis the very least we can do to entertain our brethren of the pitch.

*A.Young rolls his eyes*

MON: Right we're all set, got the beer, got the meat. Moustapha after your perfomances over the season I think you deserve the honour of tending the grill.

Salifou: Honest boss? I love barbeques and I do cook a mean ...

MON: Of course not, you're mopping up the Away end of Villa Park.

*MON holds out a mop to Salifou*

*The BBQ erupts with Laughter*

Salifou: But boss there were buckets of Geordie tears it could take me all day, I'll miss the barbeque.

MON: Ah you're probably right, it'd probably take even two men all day. Isaiah grab the bucket and help Moustapha

*The BBQ erupts with Laughter*

Osbourne: But boss I ..

MON: and where's your tracksuit jacket?

Osbourne: But boss it's 25 degrees.

MON: What have I told you about that jacket?

Osbourne: "you can only take it off if your number's on the board"

MON: Is your number on the board Isaiah?

Osbourne: What board? There's not even a board up.

MON: Exactly! Now get on your jacket and start mopping.

Later ...

MON: Did I ever tell you all about the time I won the European Cup

*The BBQ groans*

MON: I'll take that as a no, anyway I was superb, 1980 it was, I'd missed the previous final through injury but this year I was....

Gabby: Boss, boss my sausage is burning boss.

MON: Well Gabriel I've told you a million times if you're going to mess around with all these girls you're bound to...

Gabby: No I mean my sausage boss

*pointing at BBQ grill*

*The BBQ erupts with Laughter*

Return Journey

We re-join the lads on the coach returning from their Glaswegian getaway.

Petrov: I should have known better than to cheat a friend, and waste the chance that Id been given. So I'm never gonna dance again, The way I danced with yooooooou.

*The coach stands applauds and whoops*

MON: That was brilliant Stilyan, what an excellent voice you have, fantastic.

A.Young: Shame it was "Jitterbug" playing really.

MON: Aye but still he sang ever so well.

A.Young: I still don't get why he has to do his Wham songs in white speedos and sunglasses though.

MON: There's no need to be jealous Ashley, you can't sing but you're a genius on the pitch.

A.Young: I'm not jealous and I can sing, give me the microphone. Next track driver

*Young strides to the front of the coach*

A.Young: Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next ....

*the coach boos loudly*

A.Young: Hey who through that?! Fine, whatever!

*Ashley returns to his seat arms folded and stares out the window*

Osbourne: Can I have a go boss?

MON: Yes you and Moustapha can lead the rest of the singing home

Osbourne & Salifou: Really boss? That's great, we've been working on ..

MON: Of course not, silence you pair

*the coach erupts with laughter*

MON: Gets them everytime. Isaiah where's your tracksuit jacket? Put it on!

Osbourne: But boss it's hot and ...

MON: I said silence!

*Gabby applauds Petrov*

Holiday!

We Join the lads as the team coach pulls up at an amusement arcade in Glasgow.

Guzan: see i don’t understand how you’re

Friedel: number one!

Gabby: when it was just a fling before now, you’re the one

A.Young: see all i did was blink twice,

Shorey: from my homie to my only

Friedel: number one!

MON: Ho ho, you were right Nathan, that Dappy lad is a musical genius.

Delfouneso: I wasn't lying boss.

MON: Right lads we're here.

Carew: Where boss?

MON: Glasgow

*The coach groans*

A.Young: Glasgow, again boss?

MON: Aye lads, it's two birds with one stone. We get a holiday and gave our scouts a lift

The scouts: Cheers boss, see you in August.

*The scouts and their guide dogs leave the coach*

MON: I promised the fans of this great club players from outside of England and that's what they'll get. Right get out there and make me proud lads, Moustapha you're in charge.

Salifou: Really boss? I'm honoured, I'd just like to say....

MON: Of course not, you're staying on the coach

*the coach erupts with laughter*

MON: Gets him everytime. Isaiah you needn't laugh put your tracksuit jacket on.

Osbourne: But boss we're not even playing a match.

MON: I said put on your sub jacket.

*Osbourne mutters to himself as he zips up his jacket*

later....

*Delfouneso is sitting in the Daytona Racing arcade race car "Insert Coin" flashing on the screen as he frantically steers left and right*

Delfounso: Look at me boss, I'm driving!

MON: Very good Nathan, very good.

*on the other side of the arcade*

Barry (sobbing on his knees): I can't believe I've lost it all

L.Young: What's up Gaz?

Barry (still sobbing): I've blown all my cash on the 2p sliders, they're all there hanging over the edge, it's almost like they're taunting me I can't resist, they should just fall surely.

Cuellar: yiz cannae change the laws of physics captain.

L.Young: It's not a problem mate I'll sub you some spending cash, how much did you lose anyway?

Barry: £3 million

L.Young: £3 million!? We've only been here half an hour.

*Gabby laughs at Salifou joke*

End of Season Coach Trip

We join the Villa lads preparing for their annual team holiday with a coach sing-a-long.

MON: We're all going on a summer holiday, Carew!

Carew (with bassy tone): No more working for a week or two

MON: Brads!

Guzan & Friedel: Fun and laughter on a summer holiday.

MON:Everybody!

Whole Coach: No more worries for me and you. For a week or two.

MON: Ha, great stuff lads. Y'know it's always sad at the end of the season but it's nice to have a break. You must be worn out Moustapha.

*the coach erupts with laughter*

Delfouneso: Can we put my N-Dubz CD on now boss?

MON: I've already told you three times we're not having that noise on.

Delfouneso: It's not noise boss, Dappy in particular has one of the greatest musical minds of our time.

Carew: Can we have my Tina Turner's Greatest Hits CD on then boss?

*The coach groans*

MON: Oh no John, I'm not falling for that one again, who could forget the four hour coach trip to Cornwall with "Private Dancer" on repeat?

Carew: It's a classic boss.

MON: Aye it was the first 30 times.

Osbourne: Are we there yet?

MON: Right, who told Isaiah there was a coach trip?

NRC: It was me, sorry boss.

MON: Hang on, who are you?

NRC: It's me Nigel, I've literally grown a beard sitting on the bench.

MON: Oh Right, anyway hands up if you can guess where we're going.

*Carew eagerly raises his hand*

MON: It's not Amsterdam.

*Carew deafetedly lowers his hand*

*Ashley Young runs frantically up and down the coach"*

A.Young: Has anyone seen my Laptop charger!?!?

Shorey: Can I have my Cliff CD back now boss?

*Gabby laughs at Salifou joke*

MON: Gabby where did you just disappear to?

Gabby: the coach toilet boss

MON: But this coach doesn't have a toilet ...

Newcastle United Post-Match

MON: Great performance lads, brilliant win. It's just a shame Newcastle had to go down.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: OK, OK joking aside, Moustapha you didn't put a foot wrong today.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: Ah the classics are the best. We've done well this season, especially without a right back.

L.Young: I'm a right back boss.

MON (whispering to John Robertson): who's he?

John Robertson: Luke Young, our right back boss.

MON: Yes Luke of course you are and a fine right back you are too

*MON scribbles on a notepad "Luke Young = right back" and underlines it*

MON: In many ways we owe our season to Emile, since I bought him in he's been a revelation.

Carew (mumbles): Yeah like biblical Revelations.

Heskey: Twas nothing good sirs, many a knave didst think I Emile Ivanhoe an improper signing forsooth! I didst surely show them incorrect!

A.Young: I still don't get why you talk like that or why you wear that Robin Hood outfit.

*Gabby laughs at Newcastle joke*

Newcastle United Part II

After MON has eventually calmed Knight and Gardner down Michael Owen hobbles past the dressing room on crutches.

MON: Looks like Owen's injured for the match then lads, that's a bonus.

*Owen pops his head around the door*

Owen: I'm not injured

*the dressing room stares at him in silence*

Owen:.... Oh! The crutches, well you know you get so used to them and...

MON: Whatever move along

Owen: Right sorry, actually while I'm here have you tried Nestle's Sporties they're a great way to start the day.

*Owen hands Delfouneso a bowl of Sporties*

Delfouneso: He's right boss, they're delicious.

MON: Nathan put those down, Owen get out.

Owen: Lucozade anyone ...

MON: Out!

Owen: Makes you a better athlete...

MON: OUUUUT!

Gabby: Oh look, Michael Owen's on crutches, looks like he's injured boss.

Newcastle United

The lads gather once more in the dressing room to discuss tactics:

MON: Right lads, we're going to have keep our full concentration, Newcastle are a big club.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: OK, OK joking aside .... Moustapha you're starting in the middle.

Salifou: Really boss?

MON: Of course not.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: Gets him every time, middle of the bench maybe. Anyway back to business ....

*Zat Knight and Craig Gardner burst through the door.*

Knight: What's this about us going to City boss!?

MON: What? I don't know what you're talking about?

Gardner: It's in all the papers you're shipping us across to the $%"£!

MON: It's just paper talk lads, I really...

Knight: What's that you're hiding behind your back?

*MON shifts uncomfortably*

MON: Nothing, I've got nothing.

Garner: Nothing? It's a giant novelty cheque from Birmingham City, like the ones they get on Comic Relief Zat!

Knight: I can see it Craig it's got "For Zat Knight and Craig Gardner" written on it!!

*Isaiah Osbourne bounds into the room*

Osbourne: Mr.Martin, Mr. Martin I've been working on my skills look what I can do!

*Osbourne proceeds to do three keepy uppies before the ball flies off and breaks the window*

*Gabby laughs at Newcastle joke*

Villa's got Talent

Ant: Alreet pet, welcome back from the breaks man
Dec: Aye man, next we gaan doon ta Birmingham.

Ant: Alreet lads, who are you like?

Heskey: Good day Anthony and Declan I'm Emile Ivanhoe

Shorey: and I'm Nicky

Heskey: together we're the Outhouse Family

Ant: like the Lighthouse Family like?

Shorey: Yes my grammatically challenged friends. I play clarinet and Emile plays the lute.

Dec: reeto then good luck.

*Emile and Nicky take to the stage and sing a lute/clarinet composition of "Lifted"

Simon Cowell: You have to ask yourself as a judge "are people going to buy a lute and clarinet Lighthouse Family cover band's album" and the answer is quite obviously yes. A yes from me.

Amanda Holden (through tears): Look at me, I've got goosebumps. Yes.

Piers Morgan: You guys walked on here in your serial adaptation of Robin Hood costumes and your lute and clarinet and showed us Villa has talent. It's a definite yes from me.

Simon Cowell: Three yes' you're through.

*Cue Lighthouse Family's Lifted.

Middlesbrough Post-Match

Returning to the dressing room from the 1-1 draw.

Cuellar: That was a toap notch effort lad, take a bow son, take a bow.

*Carew smiles politely, nods and looks at Cuellar's interpreter blankly*

Cuellar's Interpreter: Nice goal

Carew: Oh Right. Thanks.

*MON storms into the dressing room enraged*

MON: What do you call that? (pointing) Where were you first half !?!

NRC: I was on the bench boss?

MON: What?

NRC: I was a sub, you subbed me on 70 minutes in.

MON: Sub? That doesn't sound like something I'd do, 30 laps at training.

NRC:...But ...

MON: 40 laps! Gabby.

Gabby:....

MON: Gabby!

Gabby:....

MON: GABBY!

Gabby:....

MON: (sighs) James you're a rubbish right back

*Milner pulls out his earphones the faint sound of Paul Gascoigne's "Fog on the Tyne" can be heard*

Milner: I toold ye man, I doon't pleey right back like. Hows aboot Heskey, he did abolutely nowt like.

MON: Don't cha be blaming me Emile, he wasn't even playing.

Heskey: Yes I was boss.

MON: WHAT?!

Gabby: Yes Boss?

*O'Neill's rant is cut short by the sounds of a lute*

MON: Who's that making a racket

*Heskey prances to the front of the crowd*

Heskey: Tis I Martin, forsooth.

MON: Eh? Why are you talking like that? why are you dressed like that?

Heskey: Tis how I've talked for many moons. My attire is due to my part in BBC's thrilling serial adaptation of Robin Hood.

Middlesbrough Part II

We rejoin the Villa team during the pre-Boro team selection in the dressing room

Team so far:

GK:
RB: Sidwell
CB: Davies
CB: Cuellar
LB:
RM:
CM:Gardner
CM:
LM:
FW:
FW:Carew

MON: Right, Carlos can you stop with the bagpipes I can't hear myself think.

Cuellar: Aye boss if ye dinnae mind, now I've been picked I want te go and watch Trainspotting agin.

*MON stares blankly at Cuellar's interpreter*

Cuellar's interpreter: I'd like to go and watch Trainspotting if you don't mind.

MON: Again? Fine you can go. Gabby

Gabby: .....

MON: Gabby

Gabby: .....

MON: GABBY!

Gabby: .....

MON: Saint's preserve us, Brad you're in goal

Friedel: Which Brad

MON: Which one are you?

Friedel: Friedel

MON: Are you any good?

*Zat Knight shakes his head behind Friedel's back*

Friedel: Yeah I'm great.

MON: Fine you're in, what's with the cowboy hat?

Friedel: I'm american.

MON: Right. Moustapha You're in.

Salifou: Really boss? That's fantastic!

MON: Of course not.

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: Gets him every time

Gabby: Yes boss?

Middlesbrough

MON: Right then lads, you've done me proud there's not much we can do in table now so I'm going to let the kids have a crack at this one.

*Bannan & Albrighton play Bill and Ted-esque air guitars*

MON: You pair pack in that racket. Curtis, Ashley you're in the squad

Curtis Davies & Ashley Young: Yessssssssssss!

Bannan: Aww what? ye play them every week!

Albrighton: and we didn't make a sound we were playing air guitar

MON: I said pipe down or it's bed with no supper

Bannan & Albrighton: Oooooooh!

MON: Anyway we're going to have to have our wits about us, Middlesbrough are a big club

*the dressing room erupts with laughter*

MON: OK, OK joking aside .... Steve, you're playing right back

*the dressing room erupts with laughter again*

MON: What's funny?

Sidwell: Good one chief, me a right back.

MON: Yes, you - a right back

Sidwell: Are you serious? I'm a box to box midfielder

MON: Well you should be twice as good covering just the one box then. Davies you'll be paired with Carlos.

Davies: Again? He doesn't even speak english boss.

Cuellar: I dinnae ken what ye talkin boot laddie I speak english.

Davies: See !?!